Share your story.

[Rin]

Lets share our experiences and healing here.

[daylilies]

HI everyone. I am so glad we got this section! (I vaguely remember having it before, but I think that was before I even had Josh) (however can I suggest a plain ol' "depression" subforum?
I have struggled with depression since I was a teenager. I had a major suicidal phase around then. I never tried it, but I wrote a lot of suicide notes and thought about it a lot. I still remember all the notes I wrote, mainly blaming my parents for everything and basically saying "Look what you made me do." I felt like I would be doing everyone a favor by just not existing anymore. Sometimes I still feel this way.
I don't know if I can really categorize my depression as PPD since it existed before I had Josh. But it got a whole lot worse when he came. I would (and still do sometimes) cry every morning when DH left for work because I didn't want to face another day alone with Josh. It got a lot harder when he stopped sleeping all day and I lost all my "me time" which I am very used to. I am quite a loner. I'm actually surprised I ever got married and had a baby. LOL
So I still struggle sometimes and I think I also have some anger issues and maybe am a little bit of a control freak. :rolleyes: I haven't gotten my butt to another therapist (after trying pills and counseling a few months ago). I don't have anyone who can consistently watch Josh. I feel very isolated a lot of the time. I've always been pretty antisocial but at the same time I'm dying for some friends and to be the center of attention just once in a while.
Well I should post this before Josh comes up and deletes it :p

[LisaJ2224]

I had PPD with my DD. It was just so hard having two under two. I was so overwhelmed.

I have been depressed off and on since childhood. I have also been on and off antidepressants. Right now I am off...but I am doing acupuncture as well as exercise and eating healthy.

[missychrissy]

I too struggled with depression throughout my childhood and adolescence. I always blamed it on having a crazy, sometimes psychotic mother. Perhaps that is what it was...who knows?

I attempted suicide when I was 16. I ate an whole bottle of extra strength Tylenol & went to bed. I did not know I'd wake up hours later vomiting my guts out. I couldn't hide the partially dissolved capsules-they were the yellow/red gel ones. My mom called an ambulance & I had to have my stomach pumped and be put in ICU for a few days. I think I was in the hospital for 7 days-I nearly did myself in for real.

Things didn't magically get better after that. I had Bobbie almost exactly 1 year later. That's when I went through the PPD. I know it was PPD, because it was even worse than when I attempted suicide. I still can't talk about the details too much from that time...I was a mess.

Thankfully, I changed. I changed how I look at life and I changed how I made choices. I became proactive instead of reactive. I always look at the bright side of everything...and, I tell myself daily, if good things happen to other people, they can happen to me too. And they have.

[Lore's Mama]

My first "real" bought of depression came when I lost Ally back in November of 07. I fought antepartum depression in the beginning of my pregnancy with Lorelai because of guilt and fear.

I'm pretty sure I know what started the PPD, DH being the main cause, believe it or not. I just felt so horribly about myself. I was being rejected by my DH because of the way I looked and then my baby refused to BF. I felt like a complete and utter failure. I lost one baby, had another early, who refused my breast and a hubby that couldn't bear to touch me. I pumped around the clock and had two freezers full of EBM. I was a robot. I was guilty, and everytime I looked at Lorelai I would think of Alessandra and wonder if she would have looked like her. Lorelai was born early, and any NICU mama out there KNOWS how depressing and frightening THAT can be.

I took Zoloft for about a month, with little change. Some days I would start feeling better and then it was back to the pits. I am mega-embarrassed to say this here but I even contemplated suicide... but then realized how selfish and wrong that would be to the little miss.

I'm not sure what brought my spirits back up. I think it may have been the eliminating of pumping and getting a bit more Mommy Time in helped a bit.

So, anyone with PPD, try to get as much sleep as you can. Let the housework go. Sleep can work wonders with depression, I've found.

[Callycat]

I also have suffered from depression as far back as I can remember. I've tried therapy and so many meds that I've lost track. It's just been a part of my life for so long it sometimes seems "normal". It runs in my family so sometimes it feels like there's no hope. With every m/c and other losses I've had it seems to get worse. I was on 3 meds when I found out I was pregnant with DS. I came off them asap because I was so afraid of what could happen to the pregnancy. This is the longest I've ever been without meds and it's really catching up with me the last several of months. APA is about as much socializing as I get. I hate being out around people yet I hate being alone. I feel myself slipping but because I'm BF I'm scared to go back on anything right now. Most days it's so hard to get out of bed but DS keeps me going (as I'm sure you all can relate). I am so blessed to have my son because we tried for years for him and he has done more for me then most meds have. I just try to focus on him and know he needs me here.

[newmami]

I had PPD with my son.
He was an unplanned, unexpected pregnancy. DH didn't wanted another baby, I did, but we were not making any decisions until DD was at least 1 year old.... but it happened... Dh was not happy, so I couldn't enjoy the PG at all. At 20 weeks we were told it was a girl, that made me happy; then at 30 weeks, another u/s showed baby was a boy... I was devastated, I wanted my little girl back!

Once the c/s was scheduled, I got excited about the baby. Got some boy clothes and everything.
I was at home dealing with a new baby, trying to BF and uncooperative baby and dealing with a toddler... I was a mess (even though my mom was helping). I was upset and angry towards Chris, I resented him from not cooperating, and then from taking my time with Danielle, so I overcompensated spending time with her.... I got upset every time I tried to BF, and when Chris cried, I just wanted to scream!! I had zero patience and I just wanted Chris gone.... for the first couple weeks, I didn't told him that I loved him, I was just happy that he was sleeping and leaving me alone.... that is when I hit bottom and realized there was something very very wrong with me, and I told DH I had PPD. I talked to a therapist who did NOTHING for me, so I went to see the OB and told him how I was feeling, with tears in my eyes.
He put me on Zoloft and it made a huge difference, I was more patience and I was able to handle things better, the change was amazing. After like 5 months I decided to wean myself from Zoloft and I haven't taken any for the last 2 months. I am back to the old me, I love my son more than anything in life, and I am glad I talked to my OB about it.

Another hard decision I made was to stop BF and go to formula. It also made things easier for everybody. Chris was eating correctly, Danielle was being taken care of, and Mami was not frustrated. I hate myself for not trying harder with BF, but giving the circumstances, FF was the best decision I could have made

[Rin]

I got pregnant with Aidan unexpectedly when I was 22. I had just finished my first year of college and I was working 2 jobs. I wasn't ready for a baby, but really had no choice right? So in the next 5 months, I got engaged, bought a house, new car and a dog. When he came, I didn't know what I was doing. His labor was 40 hours long and extremely traumatic, my recovery took 8 weeks. Nursing was miserable but I was so determined I ended up pumping full time. I was depressed and consumed with feeding him what was best, but in turn sacrificed my bond with him. I pumped every 3 hours for the first 3 months, then slowly started weaning down hour by hour until he was 6 months old and I quit. It helped to quit, but I still stuggled. I just wasn't there, I gained a ton of weight, I hid in my home. It sucked. Eventually it kind of went away, then I discovered I had PMDD, pre-menstrual dysmorphic disorder. Then I got pg with Liam.

It's been much easier this time. He was planned, I was prepared. Nursing still didn't work out but I was ok with that. I'm just pumping part time now. But I still don't feel quite right. I am really unmotivated and distracted. I can't get anything done for the life of me. And I'm fighting the feeling of just being sad in general. It comes and goes I guess.

[momof3-1/2]

I struggled with bouts of seasonal depression staring in high school...I go off and on paxil usually....then after my 3rd child(2 babies in 12 months) I had pp depression. It was horrible. I didn't want to get out of bed..hardly bathed, didn't even brush my hair...cryed all the time, was always irritable and fought constantly with dh....oh and got fired....I could barely make it to work...my shift starts at 3 and I would drag my butt out of bed at 2:30...sometimes not at all.....I finally got to the dr...he put me on paxil...said it was safe while breastfeeding(baby was about 2-21/2 months I think when it started)got a note to say I would be out of work for 2 months while the meds kicked in) anyways work didn't like that idea and started calling me everyday asking when I was coming back...I wasn't answering the phone...didn't want to talk to anyone...boss said if I didn't get back to her she would say job abandonment.,..even though she had the note...anyways ended up getting a message on the machine saying if I had been fired...LUCKILY I am in a union and they fought for me(I DID have a Dr note afterall) and I got my job back....during all this the paxil wasn't working...so the dr switched me to effexor? and told me I couldn't BF on it...so that really made me even more depressed but I took it anyways and stated FF Mia..and it worked....I've felt fine since...and I have a new baby (2 moths old yesterday) and although I can sometimes feel it on the verge I can fight it now...I will open the blinds(I have a bad habit of keeping them closed so that I'm always in the dark) call my mom to just talk or try to get out, even just to the corner store) which is really hard with 3 kids 2 and under but I know it's for the best.
Even my husband is always saying to keep the blinds open cause"we don't want to go through that again"he doesn't think he could make it through again..LOL I gotta laugh..I know it WAS hard on him..poor baby...well that's my story..I haven't taken anything since I found out I was pregnant with Jailyn...so 10 or 11 months...I think pregnancy helps me too...I've never really felt depressed while pregnant(dr thinks it must be hormonal...maybe I am lacking in some and the pregnancy balances me out)ANYWAYS..thanks for listening to my story.

[LuTruPeMo]

I think I was moderately depressed in high school, or it may have just been stress and hormones and the fact I ate about 600 calories a day to stay skinny... I don't know. When I was 20, my grandpa was murdered by my uncle, just before I was getting married, it was a hard time and by the time my wedding rolled around I was taking Prozac and feeling better. Then panic attacks started a few months after I got married so I switched to Paxil and a sedative and went to therapy for awhile. Helped.

I didn't get PPD until after my 3rd child was born. She was born 13 months after the second, so it was an extremely hard time for me. I was also living away from my family for the first time ever, wasn't feeling very supported by our church here, and had few friends to ask for help. However, I waited until five months pp to see a doctor for medication. The reason I finally did see a doctor is that I considered killing myself. I went to the doctor the next day.

I took Lexapro for 2 months but stopped because I could not tolerate the side effects. I have been off it several months now, no plans to go back on that stuff. I am trying to eat really, really well and exercise every day, and that seems to be helping. I know diet/exercise won't help all cases of depression, but for me, part of my problem was that I was not taking time to care about myself. That included taking time to plan what to eat and taking time to exercise. I've made myself more of a priority and that's helped a lot.

[Natasha]

I had depression after I lost Yara. It was so hard and I didnt want to do anything. God, I barely ate. I never went out. My parents had to FORCE me to go on vacation with them. I was so broken. Eventually I worked my way through it with my therapist and then around September I got seasonal depression. It was so hard because I was depressed about Yara all over again and then everything with high school and my new semester and grade 12. I didnt want to go out, and I always made excuses not to hang out with my friends. It was so hard especially being in high school but with my therapist we worked through it. I refused to go on meds because I do not like meds. I NEVER want to go through this again but unfortunately I doubt that you can try and avoid it.

[lexsmama]

I have stuggled with depression for a few years now.

I had a m/c in July of 05, around 7 wks. It about drove me under. Dh too. But, we knew it would happen again, just not exactly when. 6 months later, I found out about our sweet little boy. However, it all got really bad after I had lex.

My Mimie passed while I was pg, and it ate me up. I understood and had peace with why she left, I was lonely, you know?

I went through 12 hours of labor to find out that I couldn't deliver, which made things hard. My mom was in l&d with dh and I, which made things worse. After I got back to my room, they brought lex in to give him to me, and she took him straight from my arms, almost immediately. After that, SHE sent out birth announcements with pics of her and lex to may family. wth?! I didn't feel like I had a chance to bond with lex for nearly a month with my mommy dearest and the c/s, so it really got to me. That, and Mimie was supposed to be there with me to take care of things. She was my mom for all intensive purposes. She raised me.

Dh and my counselor got concerned, so I was put on lexapro. It did amazing things, but it started reacting with some other medicines I was on, so the swapped me to prozac. I even get to "graduate" soon from counseling.

[Cesy75]

I don't know what I'm dealing with, but I am borderline rationalizing just leaving. I am so unhappy. My husband can't stand me, my daughter lashes out at me. i love them, but i can't help feeling they'd be happier w/out me. and my husband in essence said the same.

[Rin]

I don't know what I'm dealing with, but I am borderline rationalizing just leaving. I am so unhappy. My husband can't stand me, my daughter lashes out at me. i love them, but i can't help feeling they'd be happier w/out me. and my husband in essence said the same.

Oh hun... :hugs:

[Jenny]

I don't know what I'm dealing with, but I am borderline rationalizing just leaving. I am so unhappy. My husband can't stand me, my daughter lashes out at me. i love them, but i can't help feeling they'd be happier w/out me. and my husband in essence said the same.

Aw Honey. :hugs: Have you spoken to your OB or any other medical professional about these feelings? You are an amazing woman and they would be miserable if you left and you'd be miserable without them too. :hugs: How long have you been feeling like this? Since Adam's birth?

[cbrown122606]

i have been feeling depressed for a while now but it took my husband cheating on me to realize that i needed help with it so i went to the doctor today and she put me on zoloft.

[CraziiRabbbit]

With my first daughter I went through a really bad stage of ppd, After I got home from the hospital I pretended like nothing was wrong, but it actually started as soon as I had her. When they brought her to me to hold for the first time, I told the nurse, 'not right now' and then later the same night after giving birth the nurses said she was not allowed to sleep in the same bed as me, so they put her in a bassinet across the room. When she would start crying I would struggle my way to her and struggle my way back to the bed, and then fall asleep as I was breastfeeding, then the nurse would come in the room and reprimand me for holding her while I slept.
So after we left the hospital, my mom, my baby, and I, We had to travel like four hours to get back home, which was a pretty good trip, except anytime I was alone, I would cry. (I was very good at hiding how I felt)
After we got home, I stayed in bed for a few days because I tore pretty bad and it was just hell to walk anywhere! So my mom took care of the baby, unless she needed to be fed, and then my mom would bring her to me.
We lived super far out in the country in Oklahoma and there was no one for miles and miles. All of my former friends in Arkansas weren't my friends anymore because I didn't have a car and I was too much of an inconvenience to come and get, especially now with a baby. So I was completely alone from 6am to 8pm when my mom would get home from work. She worked like an hour away.
So, after I got a car, which wasn't too long after I had the baby, all of my former friends had better things to do than hang out with an unmarried mother of a newborn, so I just stayed home anyways.
When I realized I had a problem was when one day I was sick, so sick that I couldn't get out of bed, but the baby (she was maybe 6 months old) was crying and there was no one there to help me, so I forced myself out of bed to get her and I brought her into my mom's bedroom which was darker because she had heavy curtains. So I tried to console her, but I just fell asleep. Then I heard this loud thump and Maui, my baby started SCREAMING! She had fallen off the bed and was now on the floor, but I didn't move. I don't remember how long she was on the floor, but I know it had to have been a long time.
After that I gave up custody to my parents, I was only 17. I couldn't even look at her after what I had done. It kills me today to think about what happened and know what a horrible mother I was, but I hope that now I will be able to realize if I have a problem before it becomes too serious. And this time I am married and my husband has a business at home so he'll be there to help out always.

[CraziiRabbbit]

I have stuggled with depression for a few years now.

I had a m/c in July of 05, around 7 wks. It about drove me under. Dh too. But, we knew it would happen again, just not exactly when. 6 months later, I found out about our sweet little boy. However, it all got really bad after I had lex.

My Mimie passed while I was pg, and it ate me up. I understood and had peace with why she left, I was lonely, you know?

I went through 12 hours of labor to find out that I couldn't deliver, which made things hard. My mom was in l&d with dh and I, which made things worse. After I got back to my room, they brought lex in to give him to me, and she took him straight from my arms, almost immediately. After that, SHE sent out birth announcements with pics of her and lex to may family. wth?! I didn't feel like I had a chance to bond with lex for nearly a month with my mommy dearest and the c/s, so it really got to me. That, and Mimie was supposed to be there with me to take care of things. She was my mom for all intensive purposes. She raised me.

Dh and my counselor got concerned, so I was put on lexapro. It did amazing things, but it started reacting with some other medicines I was on, so the swapped me to prozac. I even get to "graduate" soon from counseling.

I took lexapro for a long time and I found that it does nothing but give you a blank mind so that you just can't feel anything instead of just not feeling the pain

[scrapper05]

I just found this forum and I'm glad to see it! I didn't really think there would be one for this topic. My daughter is 16 weeks today and I was diagnosed with ppd when she was about 5-6 weeks old. I have never dealt with depression myself before, so this is all new to me. I have family members who have depression, so I'm aware of it, but haven't had it myself before.

I don't really know where to begin. I wasn't expecting the ppd. DH and I planned to have our daughter and everything went really well health-wise. But when we got her home and she would cry and cry, I just couldn't handle it! I was BF'ing, but after about 5-6 days, I decided to just pump. Well that was almost more work than nursing! But I did that for another 10 days or so before DH and I decided that just wasn't for us. I've been having a hard time accepting the fact that BF'ing didn't work out for us. I didn't enjoy it, there was no bonding gonig on with me and Carly and frankly, it made me squeamish. I was so happy to have my body back to myself when my milk dried up, but still felt bad that I couldn't do it.

I cried every day, picked fights with DH and was so unhappy. People would come over and just gush about what a happy event this was and I just wanted to kill them, you know?! I wasn't happy! But why? So I faked a lot of it. Once we got Carly stable on formula and were getting her fed as much as she wanted, things improved with her, but not with me. I still cried. Getting out of the house did not help me - I was angry to see other people in the world looking happy! I felt out of control and knew it wasn't the real me. I talked to DH, my mom and others about ppd and finally swallowed my pride and made a dr. appt. He was wonderful about it! I didn't feel dumb and he put me on Celexa (generic: Citalopram) and recommended counseling. I still see the counselor, which really helps and was allowed to wean off the medication after two months. When I started the med the clouds were immediately lifted and I felt like I had come out of the dark.

It has been a week since my last dose of medication and I'm not sure if I'm doing alright or not. This week I have found myself wanting to cry more again, unable to handle Carly's fussy times and feeling down and somewhat trapped again. I don't know if this is normal for the time just off the medication or not. I'm going to give it another week and see how I'm doing. DH is very in tune to me and I told him to please also let me know if he thinks things have gotten too bad again too.

[mommajess]

Hi Ladies, Just figured I would check out this room and introduce myself. I just had my 3rd and final baby(I got my tubes tied) almost 2wks ago. When I was pg with my second child I suffered from PPD although I didn't realize it at the time, it wasn't until after I was getting better that I started to see what was going on but I still didn't accept it. After I got pg with Savy my DH was the one that brought up the issue of ppd with my dr, I was still not really accepting the fact that I had ppd. But thankfully for my dh and then for all the lovely ladies in my DD room I was able to talk about it and accept it. I started on 10mg of Lexapro at 36wks pg and immediately was seeing a huge difference. At 40wks pg I gave birth to Savy. So far I have been doing pretty good but only time will tell. So I guess that is my little story.

[ITZALLFORME]

I only had it with one baby my last and it was Bad! I would have dreams of doing bad things to the baby and it was even worst she refused to breast feed I didnt wanna have anything to do with her after a while my dh had to care for her then my older children. Then my ob started me on some pills and I got better it took its toll on me though and I dont feel as close to her as I do my other children and I think its because I didnt care for her the first few weeks you know.

[abbylynne]

Hi Ladies

I am new to this part of apa. I just recently became aware of how different I was and how bad my mood swings were getting to be. I gave birth by cesarean to twin girls, Olivia and Isabel. They are almost 7 months old now and looking back, I can see this started pretty soon after they came home. I have felt so overwhelmed and out of touch with everyone that I didn't know how to ask for help. I also felt like I needed to be supermom. I am now seeing a therapist and dealing with my issues and even after just a few sessions, I am starting to see little glimpses of who I used to be. Some days I feel so lonely even when I am surrounded by people. I have a good support network here with my MIL and my husband and my dad and a few close friends but I feel the need to reach out to other moms who are "in it" with me.