Stupid Comments Vent Thread

[ClarisseMarie]

All of us who have lost babies have received idiotic comments. So I thought I'd post this thread for us to be able to vent!

What kind of stupid comments have you received?

I'll start.

The most recent comment I had was this: "At least she won't get the chance to grow up, make bad decisions, and end up losing her salvation. At least now you know she made it to heaven." What the heck?????

I also hate when people say "hearing your story made me so grateful for my own children. As soon as I read about your loss I went home and snuggled my healthy babies." That's great, and you should feel that way, but thanks for reminding me what I don't have!


I'm sure I'll think of more to add.

Anyone else????

I must be going through the angry phase of my grief because I have needed to vent a LOT today!

[squirrelgurl07]

:hugs: People tend to say alot of stupid stuff but yours by far is the worst of what Ive heard! I cant believe someone would say that to you. The most that po'd me is when my brother wouldnt talk to me for 3 months after Tristan died because he said it was "My fault".

[altigger74]

Well let's see, These have all been from my boss:shocker:
It must have been meant to be, if there was something wrong with the baby you won't have a retarded baby to deal with.

this was about us TTC again;
You need to wait for at least a year or your baby will be retarded or die again and that will be on you.

Nice huh! Of course she adds that with I'm only saying this cause I care about you. Ok! I'm in a dropp mouthed, holy sh*t did you really say that, stupor! I know how I want to respond but...

[haydensmom]

Nothing as bad as some of you have described! :( Hugs ladies!

[altigger74]

My family has been amazing to us but not everyone.

[3andMe]

"At least she died when she was young so you weren't as attached to her."

Luckily it was a family friend I don't see very much, because I don't think I'll ever forget that. Those stupid comments, no matter how well-meant they are, really don't help the anger and the hurt.

[misfit]

I dont think anyone has ever said anything to that sort to me, but if they did I probably have a mental block in place. :(

[haydensmom]

"At least she died when she was young so you weren't as attached to her."

Luckily it was a family friend I don't see very much, because I don't think I'll ever forget that. Those stupid comments, no matter how well-meant they are, really don't help the anger and the hurt.

:shocker: :pokey: Seriously? :hugs:

[handsdown]

There were a lot of stupid comments people told me after my miscarriages. There is the stock answer "Well there must have been a reason, there was something wrong with the baby." Another great one was from my boss about two months after my 3rd miscarriage when he asked me "Where did happy Janelle go? What is your deal?" Oh yeah and this was right after I heard he and his wife were expecting...

[cheeksy]

I remember when I miscarried in 1999, my ex said: "I am so relieved now. What if this baby had a problem, what we'd do then?" DUH!
And the comment of his mother: "Well, it was meant to be. Anyway you aren't financially stable enough to have a child".

Yes, I knew it was meant to be. And there are many ifs in this case. But it HURTS SO MUCH! And people are just insensitive.

[DucksLikeRain]

"At least she died when she was young so you weren't as attached to her."

Luckily it was a family friend I don't see very much, because I don't think I'll ever forget that. Those stupid comments, no matter how well-meant they are, really don't help the anger and the hurt.

:ohno:

Very similar to me being told that I was lucky she stayed in the NICU the whole time because I didn't really get a chance to bond with her the way I would have with a "normal" baby.

I HATE being told that "she's in a better place." I don't care what amount of faith a person has, as a mom, no place is better than with me.

I've been told I was lucky that I didn't have all the normal pregnancy weight to lose because I had her so early.

"Aren't you glad you just have two?" That's been said to me so many times when I've been out with my girls. Often by people who don't know me from Adam, so they have no clue how it cuts. But it's been said by my brothers, people at church, family friends, etc. People who should know better. I mean, I've thought similar things myself when in the throes of some meltdowns with the girls, but it's totally different for me, the mom, to think that than for someone else to tell me that I'm basically lucky that my baby died. :pokey:

[altigger74]

I always "loved" the comment, at least you still have your boys. Yes true, thank God but it doesn't help heal the pain, I should have had 3 boys.

[altigger74]

There were a lot of stupid comments people told me after my miscarriages. There is the stock answer "Well there must have been a reason, there was something wrong with the baby." Another great one was from my boss about two months after my 3rd miscarriage when he asked me "Where did happy Janelle go? What is your deal?" Oh yeah and this was right after I heard he and his wife were expecting...


Yeah, not even a month after my loss my boss said" your just not the same anymore, what happened to the person that knew her job and was happy" umm gee let's see.....
And yes I go the "there must have been a reason or something wrong with the baby" Um no he was perfect and an IC was the reason.

[Aubrey]

Hugs to all of you. I've never lost, but I sure know that, as a mother, there is a huge hole no matter if you were 6wks pg or your baby is 25yrs old... WTH are these people thinking? If they don't know what to say, they should simply say, sorry or nothing at all.

[altigger74]

You know I honestly believe that people who have never been through it say things in order to see "the bright side of things" That's all well and good if it's something that has nothing to due with your heart and soul.:ohno:

[Aubrey]

You know I honestly believe that people who have never been through it say things in order to see "the bright side of things" That's all well and good if it's something that has nothing to due with your heart and soul.:ohno:
Maybe that's the pessimist (sp?) in me. I've never BTDT, but I don't need to for me to understand that it's the most difficult, by far, to have to deal with.

[penguin89]

The two 'best' I have got were:

1) A long email from a friend who gave birth two weeks after my sons were born going into endless detail about her delight in her newborn, his every sound and smell... I mean, who sends that to a mother whose children have just died?

2) And just last week, an old room mate sent me a doozy where she explained how when her daughter was born a few months ago, she felt such a rush of love for her, so once my daughter was born I'll feel that love too and it will "resolve a lot of feelings about [my] sons". WTF?! :pokey: What makes her think that I didn't love my sons? Or that I'll be all "Oh, now that I have a living baby I LOVE and I'm a "real mother" I can forget all about those silly troublesome unloved dead babies" W?T?F?

If there's one thing I can't stand, it's being advised or lectured about motherly love, as though I hadn't had children and loved them as much as any mother. I wanted to write back and say 'Well, after that rush of love, how would you have felt if you had to watch your daughter die?"

But I just didn't reply at all. What would I say? :ohno:

Mostly people have been pretty good though. I think the best thing is when people say "I can't even imagine how it feels, but I'm thinking of you and wish you comfort." That always makes me feel less lonely and more understood, even when the person is basically saying that they don't understand.

ETA: can I just point out that I just noticed that according to my ticker, I'm only 10 days form term. Holy smokes and hallelujah!

[haydensmom]

I always "loved" the comment, at least you still have your boys. Yes true, thank God but it doesn't help heal the pain, I should have had 3 boys.

This comment really cuts me deep, too. Because yes, I do have two beautiful children, but that doesn't mean they make me forget about my pain or my baby. I'm so thankful for them, but it doesn't mean it hurts less.


:ohno:


I HATE being told that "she's in a better place." I don't care what amount of faith a person has, as a mom, no place is better than with me.



I really hate this comment, too. "Bean's with God, with our grandparents, etc... in a good place.." I know that. But I don't feel that so stop TELLING ME. :pokey: A baby should be with mom. Period.

[ClarisseMarie]

Hugs to all of you. I've never lost, but I sure know that, as a mother, there is a huge hole no matter if you were 6wks pg or your baby is 25yrs old... WTH are these people thinking? If they don't know what to say, they should simply say, sorry or nothing at all.

This is what is so hard for me to understand. When these comments come from someone who has never experienced motherhood, maybe it's easier to brush off. But if you've been a mother at all, you should know better than to say some of these things! A coworker who has never experienced a loss reads my blog, and she said even though she hasn't gone through what I have, being a mother is enough for her to understand the things I say and feel my pain.

I also get irritated with the people who have told me "well, most people go on to have a healthy baby, some way or another". That's great, and I am glad about that, but those children will NEVER replace Madelyn. Madelyn is my firstborn, always will be. Most people would even go so far as to say that when their pet dies, a new pet will never replace their old one. Do they not understand how much more this is true with a child?

I have found the very best thing anyone can say is a simple "I'm so sorry" or "we will always remember Madelyn."


ETA: can I just point out that I just noticed that according to my ticker, I'm only 10 days form term. Holy smokes and hallelujah!
:hooray:

[Woogelaide]

People tend to say stupid things when you lose a pregnancy, huh? :eyeroll:

I've gotten some of the same stuff in the past about my earlier losses. The "oh well it just wasn't meant to be" and "you're better off since there must have been something wrong with the baby."

With this recent one I've gotten the classic, "at least you have 1 healthy kid." Yep. And I also have a dead, unhealthy kid. Thanks for reminding me, and now that you mention it, no it really doesn't make me feel any better at all. :pokey: :ohno:

[Aelith]

:ohno:


I HATE being told that "she's in a better place." I don't care what amount of faith a person has, as a mom, no place is better than with me.

This.

And similar, "God has a plan." I refuse to believe God's plan was to smite my little ones when they were so wanted and loved, and let people who don't care about their children pop out healthy babies without issue.

[mom2disney6]

The two worst ones I got still hurt to this day. I'm not sure I'll ever get completely over the hurt they caused. The first came from a lady at church who had her baby 2 days after I lost Hannah. She walks over to me, holding her newborn and says "at least you have your other kids". Honestly, part of me wanted to punch her lights out! And the other came from my mom. I had a necklace made for Hannah that I always wear. Shortly after I got it, one of my sisters asked about it. I showed them (both of my sisters and my mom were standing there) Hannah's initials on the back. My mom says "Hannah? Who?". Then she must of realized and said "oh that". I just walked away. I've never said anything to her, but it hurt me deeply. She was her grandchild for crying out loud. And never was a "that".

[DucksLikeRain]

Oh, Pam :ohno: I am so sorry your mom said that to you. It has hurt when my mom has told me that I cannot have a picture of Taela on the living room wall-even one of the NICU ones that Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep edited to get all the tubes and wires, etc out of. She told me it was morbid and in the next breath that it was "too sacred" to be out in the general public and should be in an private place like my bedroom. In otherwords...SHE didn't want to look at it.

[mom2disney6]

Thanks Tif. It would be nice if our families were able to provide the support that we so desperately needed, but I'm thankful that I found APA. Someone who has never been through a loss, really has no clue how deep the pain runs. And sadly many try to push off the loss of a baby as unimportant or not of consequence. But we know better and that allows us to be better able to help someone else through it.

[ClarisseMarie]

Wow - I can't believe your mom would say that, mom2disney. (((hugs)))

[handsdown]

My MIL made a real doozie of a comment tonight. First she starts by saying "You know there are some people that had it even worse then you two with their kids. I have this story but I am not going to tell you because it will make you cry." I was thinking to myself, okay if you are not going to tell me why even bring it up? So then she tells DH and I the story anyway. *rollseyes* The sister of a girl she works with had a full term still birth with her first child. Her second child was born healthy but got diagnosed with luekemia when he was five and is dying. And then the mom is pregnant again but the baby didn't develop hands or feet and will not survive birth. After telling us all this she said that my DH and I should have been thankful that we didn't have it worse with Tyler and that she thinks our next baby will be perfectly healthy.

WTH? I mean I of course really feel for this family and hate that they have had to go through this pain. But why would you EVEN TELL ME THIS? And I should be thankful that my son died? Um no. I don't think I will ever be "thankful" for that. She also has a tendency to tell me things like "It was God's plan". I HATE hearing that. I don't care if it was God's plan, my baby still died and I have a right to mourn him!!

On the way home DH and I talked about it and he couldn't believe she told the story either. Ugh.

[mom2disney6]

Ugh, so sorry.

[AGDiaz]

Hi Ladies,

I don't post here much so here is my short story. I lost my son in May after 6 long months of struggles in the NICU, he was born at 24 weeks and went through so much his lungs colapsed just whent we thought he was comming home. That said...I have heard every quote you guys have mentioned.
1-My husband on the very same week my son died asked me "when are you going to get better?"
2-My MYL !! This woman! When my son was delivered at 24 weeks told me "well, at least you did not gain that much weight and now you can recuperate better", when it came to my son being in the NICU: "Oh, at least you get some "ME" time"
3-My MOM!!!, You should forget about it and never talk about it again...like nothing happened! I deleted all the pictures so I don't have to think about it"

With those comments I stopped talking about my son and just grieve alone and I left clear I don't need support (at least not the kind they are offering) Is hard..every single day.

[ClarisseMarie]

gigglynell - I agree so much with what you say about people saying it was "God's will" or "God's plan". For one thing, I don't really buy into the fact that God "wills" babies to die, leaving their parents behind to suffer in the worst kind of agony imaginable. Further, as you say, it doesn't help to hear that, so why say it?

AGDiaz - I'm very sorry for your loss. I'm also sorry you didn't have the support you needed from those who are closest to you. I think it would have taken everything in me to keep from hitting my mother if she said that to me, and I'm not a violent person at all. I'm just so sorry.

[ClarisseMarie]

Yesterday I was on the phone with my cousin and he said to me "maybe you weren't ready for a baby yet. Maybe it wasn't your time." !

I know SO many people who DEFINITELY are not ready to be parents, but get to keep their babies! DH and I have stable incomes, a stable home, and would love and cherish our children, and we're not ready, but my (other) cousin who has 2 children she doesn't take care of at all and has already had them taken away from her by CPS once IS ready??? This comment didn't make me as angry as some of the others, but I still find it absolutely ridiculous!

[newmami]

Wow.... just wow :ohno:

I am so sorry you lovely ladies have to deal with all this morons... I am at loss of words after reading all this things. And most of all I am sorry you had lost your little ones, my heart aches with each of you :(

And I thought my Uncle was insensitive when he told my cousin (after she M/C) "maybe you are not meant to be a mother: :pokey:

[LisaJ2224]

MIL, on several occasions after the blighted ovum:

"Well Michael (DH) seemed almost relieved when he told me. Maybe you guys just weren't ready."

Which is why I do not care if I ever see or speak to that person again. She doesn't even know I am pregnant this time, and her grandchild is due n less than 2 months.

DH was devastated...she said this over and over to ME just to cause issues.

[WinterTR]

2-My MYL !! This woman! When my son was delivered at 24 weeks told me "well, at least you did not gain that much weight and now you can recuperate better", when it came to my son being in the NICU:


All of these are horrible, and I have mainly heard just the basic "well at least you weren't that far along" and etc. But if my MIL would have said this to me I don't think I would be able to refrain from slapping her right there. I would take all the weight gain in the world to have my child back.

[farmmama]

I can't imagine why anyone would ever say anything but "I am so sorry for your loss, It must be very hard for you and I can't imagine what your going through!"
I am sorry people are so stupid!

[AmeriBrit]

I was out with some people from work the other day and one colleague was talking about how hectic her life is with 2 young toddlers. Once colleague turned to me and said, "Aren't you glad you don't have 2?" It stung a little as I'd only just had my miscarriage 2 weeks before (no one at work knows about it though).

[roseycheeks75]

The worst I have gotten from my m/c were: "it was nature's way, blah blah." and "well you're always so stressed out, blah blah." They always seem to come from the people who've never lost.

But I can't believe how insensitive some of these quotes I read here were. How horrible? What's wrong with just a sincere "I am so sorry" and "My prayers are with you."

[amanda82]

I'm probably getting kicked out of my due date room....but

people saying that God doesn't give us more than we can handle or that if there's a problem God will take care of "it" when it's time must not understand that everyone greives differently. I believe in God and I got very close with that relationship when my son died but empty words about him are just that.

[ALLO]

I'm so sorry for each persons loss!
I am offended that people said such offensive remarks to you all!
Even if you were pregnant for 4 weeks...you were still someones mother! You gave your child love and did whatever you could to nurture that baby and to help it grow!
I too have miscarried, but I told very few people and no one said anything like that to me. And if they did, I would have slapped them. I have friends who have had miscarriages and I offer them support if they need to talk about it or whatever. I would never say it's part of God's plan or anything like that!
I was someones mother and just because my baby isn't here doesn't mean I'm not a mother. It still hurts to watch so many women who are pregnant and are able to have and hold their babies when I will never get to.
My heart really breaks for everyone on here because no one should say anything so rude!
I guess I will post a little thing. It wasn't a comment. My friend who has 2 kids is on CafeMom. So I joined. One day I couldn't log in or anything. They sent me an e-mail saying that I wasn't a real mom and CafeMom is for real moms only and that they knew I would understand.
So I really don't care for that site!

[ClarisseMarie]

Amanda - someone at my work just said something similar. They said "well you really wouldn't want her to have lived a life with that syndrome would you?" Well yes! I want my baby here, ALIVE! The fact that she would have faced challenges means nothing to me. I KNOW she is in a wonderful place, and I cling to that, but it doesn't make me grieve for her or hurt any less because of it.

ALLO - wow! I'm so sorry you had that experience - so rude!

[Aelith]

I guess I will post a little thing. It wasn't a comment. My friend who has 2 kids is on CafeMom. So I joined. One day I couldn't log in or anything. They sent me an e-mail saying that I wasn't a real mom and CafeMom is for real moms only and that they knew I would understand.
So I really don't care for that site!

This makes me so angry! :pokey: I'm glad you posted that so I never go to that horrible, mean, ignorant site!

Big :hugs: to you!

[handsdown]

I had to bump this back up because of a comment today by my boss. He was talking about how his daughter (She is around 13 months) has croup. When he was talking about her cough he said about three times "She sounded like she was going to die!". Um yeah, I was sitting about 3 feet from him as he is saying this. It took everything I had to not lash out and say you have no idea what it sounds like when they die, I do :(

[srh38]

I got several insensitive comments really:

My grandmother told me I just needed to forget about my m/c and move on.
My sister told me I was taking my grief out on everyone. (She was pg at the time which was hard for me)

People in general said:
At least you know you can get pg
At least it was early (did that make me love my babies less)
God has a plan. (Do you think it comforts me for you to tell me that God's plan was for my children to not be with me?)


I wrote an article about what not to say to someone after they had a m/c and they pulled it from my work newsletter because a board member said it was harsh and judgemental. It covered most of the things stated by all of us in this thread.

[squirrelgurl07]

when I was in the middle of switching specialists while I was pregnant this time around i told one of the dr's I lost my son when he was 4 months to what they thought was SIDS and all she said was "Oh well, guess that's too bad maybe you'll have better luck this time." I would have kicked her but she backed away too quick

then I finally found out last week that my son died from seizures caused by a severe allergic reaction to his shots and the lady who was watching him (who had been my best friend but now we hardly ever talk)I told her and all she did was e-laugh (it was through an email) and say "lol, hahaha, Thanks for telling me, oh well I've had seizures too it's all good."

:angry: I swore I'd punch her in the face the next time I saw her but it was in meijer and since Im trying to get my job back there I didnt think that was a great idea. o.o but shes lucky I havent gone after her for negligence if she had been actually watching him hed still be alive

[MrsB]

gosh... I didn't know this thread was here before!!

[eenchoo]

I'm so sorry that any of us have to/had to endure any of these comments!!
Here are a few for me:
A d&c is a simple operation it's just like an abortion :shocker: - (said by mil and sil)
At least you weren't further along and become attached :shocker: - (said by my aunt)
What is wrong with you, why do you keep m/c-ing :shocker: (said by dh)
The list goes on and on I just don't want to even remember anymore of them!

[LilMama]

I always "loved" the comment, at least you still have your boys. Yes true, thank God but it doesn't help heal the pain, I should have had 3 boys.

This!!! This was the very first stupid comment I got via email from a church lady. She said "Well.. I guess you should just be grateful for the two boys you already have." :shock: I wanted to write her back and say "What makes you think I'm not already appreciative of them, and why the hell am I not "allowed" to have more children b/c everyone else thinks two's enough???" :eyeroll:

A lady asked me while we were in Mexico (trying to heal) how far along I was when I lost the baby. I told her and she said "ohhh welll... that's not so bad then eh?" I could have effing punched her in the mouth. Thankfully my dh came to my rescue and defense and said "Actually it IS "so bad" b/c this was a baby we had both really wanted and prayed for, for the past 2 years."

Why do people assume you've not bonded or connected with your baby at any given age in utero? That pisses me off so badly. They never stop to think that it may just be harder having NOT seen, held, kissed or rocked your baby. :ohno: There's no service, there's no memorial, there's no body, and there's ultimately no real closure.

[handsdown]

Today my boss and a co-worker started talking about dealing with the funeral home over funeral arrangements. I had to stop them because it brought back memories of planning Tyler's service and I thought I was going to have a panic attack.

[WishingNWaiting]

:hugs: It never seems to go away....

[LilMama]

Today my boss and a co-worker started talking about dealing with the funeral home over funeral arrangements. I had to stop them because it brought back memories of planning Tyler's service and I thought I was going to have a panic attack.

Ugh..:hugs: I'm so sorry honey. That's got to be awful. :hugs:

[Häschenhaar]

I just want to offer :hugs: to all of you.
It breaks my heart that people made/make those comments to you. :(

[Bean]

At my last doctor appointment they asked how many pregnancies I've had. I said 4, including this one. She looked at Lola and G and said "only two births?" and I said yes. She said "what happened with the third?" I said "I took a couple of pregnancy tests over the course of a few days, all of them positive. Then I started my period." She kind of looked at me for a minute then said "oh, well that doesn't really count then, does it?"

[LilMama]

At my last doctor appointment they asked how many pregnancies I've had. I said 4, including this one. She looked at Lola and G and said "only two births?" and I said yes. She said "what happened with the third?" I said "I took a couple of pregnancy tests over the course of a few days, all of them positive. Then I started my period." She kind of looked at me for a minute then said "oh, well that doesn't really count then, does it?"

I guess people figure if there's nothing tangible to hold on to then it doesn't really exist. :headbang:

Last Sunday a girl (new mom of a 2 mo) said to me while i held her baby for the first time "It's probably a good thing you lost your baby b/c it could have been born with downs syndrome and who wants a downs syndrome child??"

As a mother I know what the facts are but it doesn't erase my aching heart any to have it thrown in my face all the time.

[Marquette Fan]

Today my boss and a co-worker started talking about dealing with the funeral home over funeral arrangements. I had to stop them because it brought back memories of planning Tyler's service and I thought I was going to have a panic attack.
I'm so sorry Janelle - :hugs:

[barbara_s]

gosh... I didn't know this thread was here before!!

Me either!! Where have I been??? :laugh:

The worst lately for me was someone the other day who doesn't know about my situation said within earshot something about not respecting infertility treatments and "I just think people who can't have babies probably aren't meant to be parents."

I turned to him and said "Do you also think that people who grow tumors shouldn't seek medical attention because they aren't meant to live?" He just looked at me, incredulously. I said "Of course not. They seek help because there have been great advancements in medicine that can cure them."

People are so stupid. :pokey:

[Inca]

I just hate when people say it happened for a reason... right, then tell me the reason. '

Another one I got yesterday was "You know, you can go to counseling" (Because I started to cry when she hugged me)

Bleh...

[Mommabird]

When we lost a twin in our last pg my grandmother said to me "Well, you can't even handle the two you already have, so I am glad that you are not getting two more.." :( I didn't speak to her again for about 2 months.

[ClarisseMarie]

gosh... I didn't know this thread was here before!!

Maybe we should sticky this one?

Wow...I'm just amazed at how many ways people come up with to kick us while we're down, either intentionally or not. People really just don't think.

[LilMama]

When we lost a twin in our last pg my grandmother said to me "Well, you can't even handle the two you already have, so I am glad that you are not getting two more.." :( I didn't speak to her again for about 2 months.

WOW! There's grandmotherly compassion for you...

I'm so sorry she said that to you. :hugs:

[Marquette Fan]

The worst lately for me was someone the other day who doesn't know about my situation said within earshot something about not respecting infertility treatments and "I just think people who can't have babies probably aren't meant to be parents."

I turned to him and said "Do you also think that people who grow tumors shouldn't seek medical attention because they aren't meant to live?" He just looked at me, incredulously. I said "Of course not. They seek help because there have been great advancements in medicine that can cure them."

People are so stupid. :pokey:
Wow - sorry you had to hear that. I know there are people who feel that way about infertility treatments but have been fortunate not to hear any actual negative comments.

[Heavynsmommy]

My remark came from my father. Seeing as he is the guy who is notorious for his double-edged compliments, I shouldn't be surprised. Here goes:
My older sister lost a daughter when she first got married. Just hours after I decided to take my 3 month old son off of life support and watched him die, my father says to me, "At least you got to hold your baby. Pam never did." Now, I'm not comparing my pain to hers because I've had a miscarriage as well. It hurts all the same. But why in the world would he make it about my sister after the hell I just went through just a couple of hours ago? My mom is still a good one. Everytime I talk to her, I get some story about some sick people kidnapping, raping, and killing kids. Thanks for the upbeat news. Really needed it. <rolls eyes>

[LilMama]

My remark came from my father. Seeing as he is the guy who is notorious for his double-edged compliments, I shouldn't be surprised. Here goes:
My older sister lost a daughter when she first got married. Just hours after I decided to take my 3 month old son off of life support and watched him die, my father says to me, "At least you got to hold your baby. Pam never did." Now, I'm not comparing my pain to hers because I've had a miscarriage as well. It hurts all the same. But why in the world would he make it about my sister after the hell I just went through just a couple of hours ago? My mom is still a good one. Everytime I talk to her, I get some story about some sick people kidnapping, raping, and killing kids. Thanks for the upbeat news. Really needed it. <rolls eyes>

wow :shock: I'm fairly certain I wouldn't be allowing that sort of "support" around me again. I'm so so sorry for the loss of your sweet boy hon. :hugs: I've never lost an infant after birth, but I've had a m/c and pain is pain is pain - but YOU had every right to have yours without him putting someone elses before you. I'm so sorry again hon..

[AGDiaz]

Now that I am close to my due date and Gabriel's passing aniversary is coming I keep getting the following comment "Wow, wouldn't it be great if this baby would be born on the same date Gabriel passed away?" Ughh..it is so irritating.

[eenchoo]

Now that I am close to my due date and Gabriel's passing aniversary is coming I keep getting the following comment "Wow, wouldn't it be great if this baby would be born on the same date Gabriel passed away?" Ughh..it is so irritating.
:ohno::ohno:I wish people would just shut their traps when they have no idea what to say! :hugs::hugs:

[Marquette Fan]

Now that I am close to my due date and Gabriel's passing aniversary is coming I keep getting the following comment "Wow, wouldn't it be great if this baby would be born on the same date Gabriel passed away?" Ughh..it is so irritating.
I'm sorry that people are making that comment to you - big :hugs:

[3andMe]

Now that I am close to my due date and Gabriel's passing aniversary is coming I keep getting the following comment "Wow, wouldn't it be great if this baby would be born on the same date Gabriel passed away?" Ughh..it is so irritating.

I had the same due date with my twins as I did with Esme, and a lot of people commented on it. I can see where that would be irritating. On the up side, I am actually happy about the timing because I end up being so distracted that time of year that the anniversaries (due date, birth, death) pass by fairly easily.

[Stormgrl81]

I got a few...
1) how are you doing are you doing okay?
2) There was probably something wrong with the baby to being with
3) if you look at your religious views..god needed it more then you..and! God has a plan
4) it's in a better place
5) it was not meant to be
6)Oh can't forget this one at the OBGYN..the doc. said doesn't need the ultrasound CD so here you can have it back

yeah all of those question just makes me feel so much better, and just reminds me that I just lost the most wonderful thing that you could be blessed with. I am thank-ful I do have a wonderful little girl but she'll never get to know/meet her brother/sister.

[Tsuuriki]

I didn't lose my baby, but she was premature and very little. But I got one from my stepdad a couple weeks after Bec was born. 'At least she was small. If she were any bigger, you would have been HUGE.' And I remember hearing 'At least you don't have to take her home right away, you can focus on getting better.'

[AmyM]

:hugs:Ladies.... I just want to give you all big big big:hugs:. I've read this entire thread and I'm just sick by what people have said. I too have had losses... 3 miscarriages. I can't remember exactly the things that people had said to me... but some of the comments I've read here ring bells. It truly amazes me how heartless people can be... I'm so sorry.

[Aelith]

I'm surprised I never posted this.

After my second miscarriage, my BFF (who's never been known for tact) says to me, "Maybe you need to use a surrogate." :shocker:

Not just once did she say this, but twice. Once when I called her to tell her I miscarried, and the second time when I was trying to talk to her about how depressed I was and how I was going through fertility treatments.

[handsdown]

I just had a co-worker that sits 3 feet away from me talk for 15 minutes about all of the things she bought for her future grandchild. She got her bfp like two weeks ago and they are already getting a crib. I wanted to say boy I wish I could be that excited two weeks after a bfp but I have to worry if I will even make it past the first trimester and then if my baby will live past a month old. Not to mention the fact that this month I had to do 13 days of Follistim, an Ovidrel shot, and an IUI just to hope to maybe be pregnant. Ugh. I am having a bitter day.

[brittanybise]

I just had a co-worker that sits 3 feet away from me talk for 15 minutes about all of the things she bought for her future grandchild. She got her bfp like two weeks ago and they are already getting a crib. I wanted to say boy I wish I could be that excited two weeks after a bfp but I have to worry if I will even make it past the first trimester and then if my baby will live past a month old. Not to mention the fact that this month I had to do 13 days of Follistim, an Ovidrel shot, and an IUI just to hope to maybe be pregnant. Ugh. I am having a bitter day.

I understand! Seems that everyone around me is having a baby. I just received a baby shower invitation in the mail, and while she is a super close friend of mine, I can't help but feel 'irritated'. I'm happy for her, but I'm envious because I can't seem to get past the first trimester (for the second time now). People who are on drugs or who really don't 'want' a baby seem to conceive and carry with ZERO problems...which leads me to question what I've done wrong in life.

:ohno:

[eenchoo]

My dh is a piece of work I tell you!! Today he told me and I quote: "You need to stop f***ing around and get pregnant. Our kids are already going to be too far apart as it is!" REALLY?? Yeah it was my choice to lose our precious angels!! Since my last loss I have lost 50 lbs and gotten in shape (I guess that's what he considers flucking around!!
We are currently not on speaking terms and it is going to stay that way until he kisses my @$$!!!!!!!! I was in tears after that comment and he has NO idea why!!

[srh38]

So sorry, hon. He was completely out of line! As if you make babies on your own...

[Marquette Fan]

My dh is a piece of work I tell you!! Today he told me and I quote: "You need to stop f***ing around and get pregnant. Our kids are already going to be too far apart as it is!" REALLY?? Yeah it was my choice to lose our precious angels!! Since my last loss I have lost 50 lbs and gotten in shape (I guess that's what he considers flucking around!!
We are currently not on speaking terms and it is going to stay that way until he kisses my @$$!!!!!!!! I was in tears after that comment and he has NO idea why!!
:shocker: - I can't believe he said that to you. I'm so sorry - :hugs:

[Aelith]

My dh is a piece of work I tell you!! Today he told me and I quote: "You need to stop f***ing around and get pregnant. Our kids are already going to be too far apart as it is!" REALLY?? Yeah it was my choice to lose our precious angels!! Since my last loss I have lost 50 lbs and gotten in shape (I guess that's what he considers flucking around!!
We are currently not on speaking terms and it is going to stay that way until he kisses my @$$!!!!!!!! I was in tears after that comment and he has NO idea why!!

Wow - I probably wouldn't have been able to restrain myself from kicking him. I'm sorry - what a jerk! :hugs:

[eenchoo]

Wow - I probably wouldn't have been able to restrain myself from kicking him. I'm sorry - what a jerk! :hugs:
You said it sister, I wholeheartedly agree with you!! It took every ounce of power I have in my being to control myself from physical harming him!!

[Josephs_mommy]

well just two days ago i was at Party city getting some stuff for my daughters b-day party and there was an employee crying by a back room i asked if she was ok and she told me that she had a miscarriage i told her my story and i gave her my # if she ever needed to talk then one of her co-workers came out and said "are u still crying its no big deal u would have sucked as a mom anyway, if u lost the baby its cuz u did something wrong and your being punished!" i fipped out i told her she sucked as a person!

[ClarisseMarie]

My dh is a piece of work I tell you!! Today he told me and I quote: "You need to stop f***ing around and get pregnant. Our kids are already going to be too far apart as it is!" REALLY?? Yeah it was my choice to lose our precious angels!! Since my last loss I have lost 50 lbs and gotten in shape (I guess that's what he considers flucking around!!
We are currently not on speaking terms and it is going to stay that way until he kisses my @$$!!!!!!!! I was in tears after that comment and he has NO idea why!!

That's awful! I'm so sorry!

[ClarisseMarie]

well just two days ago i was at Party city getting some stuff for my daughters b-day party and there was an employee crying by a back room i asked if she was ok and she told me that she had a miscarriage i told her my story and i gave her my # if she ever needed to talk then one of her co-workers came out and said "are u still crying its no big deal u would have sucked as a mom anyway, if u lost the baby its cuz u did something wrong and your being punished!" i fipped out i told her she sucked as a person!

She deserved that! :hugs:

[mattiehatter]

I didn't know this existed until I got bored and started poking around on here. I didn't outwardly grieve my first 3 angels, but I outwardly grieved my fourth and was met with the following. Some of these things were repeated back to me by my ex.

"I bet she wasn't even pregnant. You guys have been having problems and I bet she made it all up!" Ex's mother

"Are you sure it was yours?" Ex's sister and since then I've wanted to knock her flat on her overly inflated behind. I never gave him a reason to question my fidelity to him.

"At least you won't be spending new year in the delivery room." Someone I worked with. My DD was January 1, 2008. I was with DH at the time and neither of us celebrated the New Year because we were both grieving (I, the loss of my Charlie and DH, the anniversary of his cousins death).

"You aren't ready for kids and I'm not ready to be a grandmother." MY Mother!

"At least you know you can get pregnant." I've heard this one more times than I can count since I started TTC with DH.

"At least we don't have anything that forces us to be tied together now." MY EX during our final breakup. I would have been more than happy to raise that baby by myself and DH told me that he would have been happy to raise it as his own.

"You did this on purpose to make me stay didn't you?" My ex again when I finally told him about the mc. We were having relationship problems at the time we conceived and I was terrified to tell him that I was pregnant for fear of this comment. Guess I was right.

"Where's the proof you were pregnant?" My ex who wanted to discredit me. I didn't have anything to give him so automatically I was a liar.

It amazes me just how insensitive people can be. My younger stepsister Tif got pregnant a couple years ago and lost her daughter Alexis at 13 weeks. Her sister who was due a week later with her healthy son Josh said "at least we don't have to worry about going into labor on the same day" and "at least you aren't going to get fat" and "at least you don't have stretchmarks like I do". Tif and I talk a lot during her grieving process of her daughter and I refused to talk to KC for a long time afterwards. It shocks me because KC knew better after having a mc at 16 with her first pregnancy (which I helped her through I might add).

[desertgirl]

Hi, I've spent like an hour reading all these posts and I am so sorry people have been so insensitive, I dont understand. I dont know if I should really post, its still really hard for me to talk about this. I lost my son when I was 15 and I get comments when I tell people that that its 'a good thing because [i] was so young' or I couldnt take care of him so its good that he's with God and not me. The worst comments Ive ever got came from my mother and father. My mother kicked me out after I came out about abuse in the house and sent me to live in SD with my father (who left us when I was 5)

My mother when I found out I was pregnant and called her 'NOOOOOOO!! Do you have money? Ill send you some for the abortion!' I said 'I'm not having an abortion, I dont believe in it' and she hung up on me

When I was 6 months pregnant my father found a pack of cigarettes in my room (I wasnt smoking at that time but had before) and brought me downstairs, held me down into a chair and shoved the whole pack down my throat, I went into labor that night and my grandmother brought me to urgent care but had to call my father to bring me to ER 60 miles away. He picked me up and I labored all the way there, being shushed from the front seat. Finally at the hospital he just told them I was having stomach pain and they put me in a dark room and my father locked himself in there with me and wouldnt let anyone come in. I gave birth and they took the baby, he died and I have no idea what they ever did with him, I dont even know if he was buried. On the drive home, my son had been dead less then 24 hours and I was numb and my father said 'Because of this stupid pregnancy thing I've wasted more gas then the past year' and 'I hope you didnt tell any of your friends you were ever pregnant, so just tell them you really werent'

I called my mother and told her and she said 'well thats good' when I came back to live with her, she said 'I had 2 miscarriages and I am glad because I would have 6 kids if I didnt, you should be happy, we all are'. My little sister once told me 'your such a sl**, got pregnant by a cripple, no wonder you had a miscarriage' (1st: it wasnt a miscarriage, he was born alive and died, 2nd: I never told my mother who his father was but he wasnt handicapped)

I had a miscarriage when I was 11 and never told anyone but the person who abused me and got me pregnant calls me every name he can think of 'sl**, wh***, spread open' when I have seen him and my mother says I'm a 'sl**' too. I dont talk or see any of these people anymore but as much as my loss still hurts the comments come to me randomly and tear me up inside.

[PreggoinWV]

Hi, I've spent like an hour reading all these posts and I am so sorry people have been so insensitive, I dont understand. I dont know if I should really post, its still really hard for me to talk about this. I lost my son when I was 15 and I get comments when I tell people that that its 'a good thing because [i] was so young' or I couldnt take care of him so its good that he's with God and not me. The worst comments Ive ever got came from my mother and father. My mother kicked me out after I came out about abuse in the house and sent me to live in SD with my father (who left us when I was 5)

My mother when I found out I was pregnant and called her 'NOOOOOOO!! Do you have money? Ill send you some for the abortion!' I said 'I'm not having an abortion, I dont believe in it' and she hung up on me

When I was 6 months pregnant my father found a pack of cigarettes in my room (I wasnt smoking at that time but had before) and brought me downstairs, held me down into a chair and shoved the whole pack down my throat, I went into labor that night and my grandmother brought me to urgent care but had to call my father to bring me to ER 60 miles away. He picked me up and I labored all the way there, being shushed from the front seat. Finally at the hospital he just told them I was having stomach pain and they put me in a dark room and my father locked himself in there with me and wouldnt let anyone come in. I gave birth and they took the baby, he died and I have no idea what they ever did with him, I dont even know if he was buried. On the drive home, my son had been dead less then 24 hours and I was numb and my father said 'Because of this stupid pregnancy thing I've wasted more gas then the past year' and 'I hope you didnt tell any of your friends you were ever pregnant, so just tell them you really werent'

I called my mother and told her and she said 'well thats good' when I came back to live with her, she said 'I had 2 miscarriages and I am glad because I would have 6 kids if I didnt, you should be happy, we all are'. My little sister once told me 'your such a sl**, got pregnant by a cripple, no wonder you had a miscarriage' (1st: it wasnt a miscarriage, he was born alive and died, 2nd: I never told my mother who his father was but he wasnt handicapped)

I had a miscarriage when I was 11 and never told anyone but the person who abused me and got me pregnant calls me every name he can think of 'sl**, wh***, spread open' when I have seen him and my mother says I'm a 'sl**' too. I dont talk or see any of these people anymore but as much as my loss still hurts the comments come to me randomly and tear me up inside.

What happened to you was so horrible! I don't know what to say except I am so very sorry :hug:

I am appalled and offended for each of you on this forum. I can't believe people have said such unfeeling, insensitive things to you all.

I am sorry for everyone's loss. You each have the right to grieve in your own way for however long it takes you.
God Bless!

[darkwater]

Wow, desertgirl, you are dealing with so many different kinds of emotional trauma, it is a wonder you are still standing. My one miscarriage seemed to drive me to the edge of sanity and sadness, I can't imagine if I had been through what you have. Hope you have someone in your corner because you need a good support system. Please know that your past does not determine your future unless you let it. Hopefully, you will be in a position to have another beautiful, healthy child and have some healthier people in your life.

[Aelith]

Hi, I've spent like an hour reading all these posts and I am so sorry people have been so insensitive, I dont understand. I dont know if I should really post, its still really hard for me to talk about this. I lost my son when I was 15 and I get comments when I tell people that that its 'a good thing because [i] was so young' or I couldnt take care of him so its good that he's with God and not me. The worst comments Ive ever got came from my mother and father. My mother kicked me out after I came out about abuse in the house and sent me to live in SD with my father (who left us when I was 5)

My mother when I found out I was pregnant and called her 'NOOOOOOO!! Do you have money? Ill send you some for the abortion!' I said 'I'm not having an abortion, I dont believe in it' and she hung up on me

When I was 6 months pregnant my father found a pack of cigarettes in my room (I wasnt smoking at that time but had before) and brought me downstairs, held me down into a chair and shoved the whole pack down my throat, I went into labor that night and my grandmother brought me to urgent care but had to call my father to bring me to ER 60 miles away. He picked me up and I labored all the way there, being shushed from the front seat. Finally at the hospital he just told them I was having stomach pain and they put me in a dark room and my father locked himself in there with me and wouldnt let anyone come in. I gave birth and they took the baby, he died and I have no idea what they ever did with him, I dont even know if he was buried. On the drive home, my son had been dead less then 24 hours and I was numb and my father said 'Because of this stupid pregnancy thing I've wasted more gas then the past year' and 'I hope you didnt tell any of your friends you were ever pregnant, so just tell them you really werent'

I called my mother and told her and she said 'well thats good' when I came back to live with her, she said 'I had 2 miscarriages and I am glad because I would have 6 kids if I didnt, you should be happy, we all are'. My little sister once told me 'your such a sl**, got pregnant by a cripple, no wonder you had a miscarriage' (1st: it wasnt a miscarriage, he was born alive and died, 2nd: I never told my mother who his father was but he wasnt handicapped)

I had a miscarriage when I was 11 and never told anyone but the person who abused me and got me pregnant calls me every name he can think of 'sl**, wh***, spread open' when I have seen him and my mother says I'm a 'sl**' too. I dont talk or see any of these people anymore but as much as my loss still hurts the comments come to me randomly and tear me up inside.

Oh wow :hugs: I am so sorry you went through all of that. :hugs:

[desertgirl]

Wow, desertgirl, you are dealing with so many different kinds of emotional trauma, it is a wonder you are still standing. My one miscarriage seemed to drive me to the edge of sanity and sadness, I can't imagine if I had been through what you have. Hope you have someone in your corner because you need a good support system. Please know that your past does not determine your future unless you let it. Hopefully, you will be in a position to have another beautiful, healthy child and have some healthier people in your life.

Thank you. I no longer have any contact with any of these people involved (my father, mother and family) and have since had 2 beautiful little boys and am married to my hero who is very supportive of me and we are expecting our 3rd son next month :wub:

[Sakura]

I was telling an acquaintance (she'd asked since she saw on fb about my impending miscarriage) about how the baby never developed but the placenta and sac continued to grow, thus making me feel pregnant still. And she said something like, "Isn't it amazing how God makes our bodies know exactly how to grow when we're pregnant?" Um, no, doesn't feel so amazing right now. It feels more like my body's betrayed me.

And I hate the "Oh, this is probably a good thing. God knew the child would have difficulties/whatever/etc." While this is true, it still hurts and I don't want to hear it!

[mattiehatter]

I was telling an acquaintance (she'd asked since she saw on fb about my impending miscarriage) about how the baby never developed but the placenta and sac continued to grow, thus making me feel pregnant still. And she said something like, "Isn't it amazing how God makes our bodies know exactly how to grow when we're pregnant?" Um, no, doesn't feel so amazing right now. It feels more like my body's betrayed me.

And I hate the "Oh, this is probably a good thing. God knew the child would have difficulties/whatever/etc." While this is true, it still hurts and I don't want to hear it!

I'm so sorry :hugs:. It's a horrible circumstance that God plays on our bodies to continue to make them grow that long after.

[Kidra Risirthid]

"Well, this is good, cuz now you'll stop being *****y, and knowing you, had you known you were pregnant you probably would have aborted anyway!"

[KJBriesacher]

I never had any really horrible comments made, just some harsh circumstances. We lost our first pregnancy at 9 weeks. After that our close friend had her fourth child (never had any complications with any pregnancy), two of our counsins announced their pregnancies, I had an interview at a daycare two days after my m/c and they wanted to see how I would be in the infant room (The director later apologized not knowing that I had m/ced). Whenever I was feeling upset about our loss, after awhile it seemed that people got bored with my pain. I stopped talking about and whenever pregnancy/ infant death came up, I would hold it all in and deal later. People don't realize that even after the birth of my beautiful boys, I still remember that day August 16, 2006. I still get ticked at the term Sponaneous abortion, even though it is medically accurate it still SOUNDS like I didn't want my baby and my body "knew" it. My heart breaks for every mother that has lost a child no matter the age. It hurts.

[Heavynsmommy]

Just had to put this one on here:
When my sister-in-law (who was mad as can be when she found out she was pregnant) was close to giving birth to my niece, her due date was around Harley's death date. My brother says "I think it would be kind of nice to have her on the 18th. It might make that day easier." For who??? Not your daughter who will forever wonder why Aunt Jamie cries at her birthday parties and certainly not for me who will have a constant reminder of what my boy should have been doing. Thankfully, she was born a couple of days before.

[Heavynsmommy]

My dh is a piece of work I tell you!! Today he told me and I quote: "You need to stop f***ing around and get pregnant. Our kids are already going to be too far apart as it is!" REALLY?? Yeah it was my choice to lose our precious angels!! Since my last loss I have lost 50 lbs and gotten in shape (I guess that's what he considers flucking around!!
We are currently not on speaking terms and it is going to stay that way until he kisses my @$$!!!!!!!! I was in tears after that comment and he has NO idea why!!

If my DH would have said that to me after my MC, I would be a widow. I'm just saying...:hugs:

[mary31]

Hi every one my name is mary31 dont know if you remember me, ilost a baby in april 2008, well im back, my sister lost a baby the same day 3 years later than me she is so depressed.