Introductions

[stash]

I realized that as much as we all post to this forum, our stories sometimes go unsaid. And sometimes, telling them again helps us, and helps others understand who we are. So, I thought I'd start this thread (I created it as a sticky) for us to tell our stories here... for those who want to.

I'll start.

After a bout with infertility and two early losses (4 and 7 weeks), I became pregnant with our son, Jasper. At 37 weeks, he hadn't moved one morning. At the midwife's office, we couldnt' find his heartbeat. I delivered him the next day, perfect in every way (8 pounds, 21.5 inches) except for a true knot in his umbilical cord.

Three months later, I became pregnant again, and delivered our son Oscar on July 30th of this year. Healthy, happy, 9 pounds, 21.5 inches. Ironically, his umbilical cord was very SHORT. Whereas Jasper's was very long, possibly one of the reasons he became entangled.

I am blessed to be here, in this life, and blessed to have been able to have another child after Jasper. Oscar is the light of our lives. But it's still hard for me. I see so much in Oscar that I wish Jasper could be here to experience.

For anyone who's early on in a significant loss, I can say... it does get easier. Every day, every week, every month, the pain subsides. But it never goes away, and it becomes a part of who you are.

Hugs to all mommies.

Stacy

[tpleise]

My dh and I started TTC in May 2005.

In March 2006 we found out we were pregnant, only to lose the baby later that month. The doctors didn't find a reason for it, only that my hcg levels never rose like they should have. I named this baby Percy, short for percent, because the entire time we were in the bad percentage. Even after we found the heartbeat and the doctors said we only have a small percentage of losing the baby.. the heartbeat wasn't there 3 days later.

In June 2006 we found out on fathers day that we were pregnant again. After a couple of bleeding scares everything has went smoothly so far. I have rented a doppler system and it saves me a lot of worrying (I really recommend it... just don't freak out if you can't find the heartbeat sometimes, just try again later). I am almost at my 1/2 mark now and am starting to enjoy the pregnancy without so much worry. I can't wait to meet my baby on or about the 27th of Feb!!! :)

Hugs to everyone and Stacey is right, the pain does get easier.. but it never really goes away completely.

Toni

[AOK]

My husband and I started TTC in August 2005 after being married for 3 years. We found out I was pg in September 2005, and we were elated! I shared my due date with my best friend. I saw the heartbeat at about 8 wks, and my excitement grew. At 10 wks. 2 days, I had one small brown spot, and my OB wanted me to come in for an US. We went in expecting to be reassured that all was well, but no heartbeat. The last measurement they had was 8 wks. 4 days.

In May 2006 we found out I was pg again. I started on progesterone as soon as I found out. Right from the start, I had spotting and some bleeding. Even though my hcg levels rose like crazy, there was no fetal pole, and at about 5.5 weeks, we discovered another miscarriage.

We did some blood tests and an HSG, and everything came back normal. In August 2006, we found out I was pg again. We were so hoping to tell everyone that "third time's the charm". I had been on progesterone from the time I ovulated, and my levels were doubling. I went in for an US at 8 wks 2 days, and there was no heartbeat again. That was almost 3 weeks ago.

Needless to say, this has been a devestating year for us. Each of my miscarriages was "missed" because my body doesn't recognize that it has occurred. After 3 starts of pregnancy and 3 D&Cs in one year, my body doesn't know up from down.

We had our first appt. with a specialist last week, and he is very hopeful that he can help us find some answers. We're hopeful too, but there are still days that I feel like it will never be my turn.

Thank you ladies for all of your support and the hope that you give me. My time here on APA has been therapuetic and helpful for me. A special thanks to Stacy for starting this thread and being open enough to share your story. You are truly an inspiration to me.

I wear a ring with this engraved in it: "It's not the destination, it's the journey." Here's hoping for a journey filled with hope, love, support, and growth for everyone.

Andrea

[stash]

I wear a ring with this engraved in it: "It's not the destination, it's the journey." Here's hoping for a journey filled with hope, love, support, and growth for everyone.

This is a wonderful sentiment. Thank you, Andrea.

[Melly]

Here is my story.

DH and I had been married for 8 years when we decided that it was time to finally start a family. We became pg almost immediately. We were elated. The baby was all we could talk about. I went to my first appointment and saw my cute little peanut with a beating heart. I melted. It was the best time in my life. Three weeks after that appointment I started to spot. I went for another u/s that day to make sure. Instead of being reassured I was devastated. I had a D&C. My doctor, who is a wonderful compassionate woman, suggested that we test the baby. The test results showed that our baby girl had Turner's syndrome. I was somewhat relieved. At least that there wasn't anything wrong, just an unfortunate thing that happens.

Well we waited for a few months and we started to try again. We have not gotten pg, but I had a weird cycle. Again my wonderful smart doctor suggested that we take the conservative route and run some hormone tests. I was devastated when I received the results. My FSH was elevated to 12.7. This indicates poor quality eggs. It is very early, but this cycle is like the last, and I don't have confidence that the second set of tests will be much better. I guess I will be seeing an RE soon. In the mean time I am seeing an Oriental Medicine Doctor and trying to keep my dream alive.

This group has been essential for helping me get through days where I just wanted to stay in my room and not deal with the world. There is a lot of love here. Like a soft pillow to fall on.

[lorilou74]

I found out I was pregnant with baby#4 on July 4th, 2004. I was so excited and a little nervous since the youngest had just turned 1 in May. Everything seemed to be going ok...I had severe morning sickness and had to be put on two different meds. We went in for our first appt. and everything looked great. I had finally hit the 12 week mark and the ms was finally wearing off. At 13 weeks it was almost completely gone.

I came home from work one night and was standing there looking through the mail and I had the urge to go to the bathroom. I suddenly felt something wet. I went to the bathroom and was horrified to see blood. It was 11:30 at night and I ran upstairs crying to my husband that something was wrong....I knew I was losing the baby. We called my ob..I thank God she was the one on call for the weekend. We went to the ER the next morning. We dropped the girls off at my MIL house and I called my mom who lives in Texas.

I remember lying there and the nurse was trying to hear the heartbeat and could not find it. They sent me up to do an ultrasound. My poor husband...he was watching her do it. I think he knew right then.
We came back down to the ER and the doctor came in. I will never forget..he shut the door. I knew then. He sat down and said that he was so sorry, but it was a fetal demise. What a horrible way to say it. At 13 weeks and 4 days we lost our little one. My ob came down to the ER and just sat there and cried with us. She took me right up and did a D&C.

I just remember asking why and how. We had 3 beautiful healthy girls...this was not "supposed" to happen. When we came home, I just sat and cried. My MIL brought the girls home and to my surprise, my mom had flown in from Texas. She stayed with me for a week.

It has been two years and it has gotten easier, but never forgotten. Just when I think things are good, something happens and I get emotional all over again.

I thank God that I had Nolan and now he is baby #5.

My heart breaks every time I read another mc post. I grieve right along with each one.

[AOK]

I wear a ring with this engraved in it: "It's not the destination, it's the journey." Here's hoping for a journey filled with hope, love, support, and growth for everyone.


This is a wonderful sentiment. Thank you, Andrea

Thanks, Stacy. I know that this idea has helped me a lot, and it's nice to have it as a reminder around my finger. If anyone else is interested in this ring, I got it in a cool store in Seattle called Fireworks Gallery. Here is a link to the ring.

http://www.fireworksgallery.net/a_prod13.asp

[ljs318]

Thank you Stacy! I think this thread is a great idea, actually I don't think I've ever shared my complete story... I'll try not to make it too long.

After ttc for a year and a half DH and I conceived in February of this year. We were so excited, finally we were going to start our family. We went for our first u/s at about 8 weeks and were surprised to find that there were two heartbeats. We were shocked, and excited, but I was nervous and knew the risks were higher with twins. During the pregnancy I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism (underactive thyroid) and immediately put on medication. I also tested positive for a ureaplasma bacteria, and was put on antibiotics for one week out of each month. Despite all the pills the pregnancy was progressing very well, my doctor was seeing me every two to three weeks and each time we looked at the babies and listened to the heartbeats and all was well.

Then when I was 18 weeks 6 days I woke up to find a small brown spot. I called in sick to work and called the Dr's. office. The nurse said there was nothing the Dr. could do but she scheduled me for an u/s that morning. Everything appeared fine. The heartbeats were strong and the babies were active. They sent me home and told me to "take it easy" for the weekend and I would see the Dr. on Monday for my scheduled appointment. I practicly put myself on bedrest, but the bleeding picked up at night. Saturday I thought about calling the Dr. but it seemed OK during the day, but at night again it picked up, so I called Sunday morning and was told to go to Labor and Delivery. I was with a small practice at a private woman's hospital. We waited and waited for the Dr.and the u/s tech. The babies were still active and we saw and heard the hearbeats several times. After a bunch of tests they realized that I was contracting, my cervix was shortening and thinning out. I was given three shots of Tributaline to stop the contractions. It appeared to be working, but I was still uncomfortable and so scared.

At about 8:00 Sunday night, while I was on the phone with my parents, my water broke. My Dr. told us that she wanted to transfer me to a nearby Medical Center and that they could possibly save one of the babies, but I knew it was too late. My poor husband trusted her and actually thought there might be something that could be done, but we were told from the beginning that there was only a small membrane separating the two babies, so I knew they couldn't do anything. I was transfered to the new hospital where the resident on call broke the news that there was no fluid around either baby. My husband was devastated, but I already knew that was what they would say.

I was so numb. The contractions weren't terrible so they gave me a sleeping pill. My Mom drove four hours and met us at the hospital that night. I woke up early the next morning in active labor and at 8:18 and 8:20 AM I delivered two beautiful, perfect, sleeping baby girls, 6oz and 4oz they were 19 weeks 3 days. To me they were perfect in every way, but just too small and too young to live on their own. I spent the rest of the day trying to pass the placenta and eventually they decided to do a D&C because I couldn't get it all out. They let me go home that night. I still can't believe it all happened and I still have tons of guilt because I know the babies were alive and healthy until I delivered them because my body failed. I'm still struggling with that.

Since then I was diagnosed with uterine fibroids. I had several u/s, an HSG, and most recently an operative hysteroscopy to remove the masses. My follow up is this week and I'll know then if what she removed was just fibroids or something else and also whether we are finally able to ttc once again. Sorry this is long and complicated, but I'm still trying to make sense of all of this. My original doctor never called or acknowledged what happened, so I feel like she left me for dead and am bitter about that. I do love my new Dr. and am hopeful that I will get and stay pg under her care.

Thank you for reading this and for all sharing your stories. You have all helped me more than you will ever know. This is the ONLY place I feel that I am totally understood and not judged for my feelings and I need that more than anything else. I hope that one day we can all find peace with what we have gone through, even if we don't understand it and never forget it. (HUGS TO EVERYONE) - Laura

[Melly]

Laura,

I am so sorry. I hope you will find peace through this process. I can't begin to imagine how you feel. We are glad that you have found us.

[ljs318]

Thanks Melly :) I'm also sorry for all that you are going through. I hope you get some answers and I'm glad that you like your Dr. I say this a lot, and probably because I'm trying to convince myself too, but don't give up hope!!! We have to keep believing that we will have the babies that we all desperately want! (HUGS) - Laura

[3andMe]

http://i109.photobucket.com/albums/n70/lydchapman/IMG_8765-3.jpg
Thank you all for sharing your stories. They are very touching, and I'm sure they are hard to write. I am so sorry for your losses.

My pregnancy was very easy, compared to most. I didn't have more than a few queasy moments, and although I felt tired a lot at the beginning, that was because I was working full-time plus commuting two hours a day plus working a volunteer job as well. I tried to nap every day.

We had a scare near the end when they told me she was small for her gestational age, but that turned out to be not true. I was induced 8 days past my due date. I was in labor for 22 hours before they did a C-Section for decellerations. Esme Claire was absolutely perfect. We stayed in the hospital for three days, and it was just amazing to us how mature and intelligent and beautiful she was. She seemed to be learning very quickly. I was fortunate at my hospital to have a single room and Esme never left my side. I slept with her on my chest, and I was able to breast feed as soon as they stapled me and rolled me into recovery. I'm glad I had all that time with her.

We brought her home after 36 hours and enjoyed an evening at home with our new baby. I was up most of the night feeding her, and just feeling wakeful and excited. I held her in my arms and checked up on the APA postings. I had told DH to sleep through the night, since he couldn't feed her anyway and that way he would be well rested for the next day. I finished the last feeding at 5:30 AM in our bed and placed her in the bedside bassinette. At 8:30 AM we woke up and DH asked "How's our baby?" I picked her up and realized immediately she was dead, and there was a small amount of lividity on her cheek that indicated she'd been dead for a while. I still gave her a few futile breaths while DH called 911, but of course it was useless. This was six weeks ago. For the first few weeks, every day at 8:30 AM if I was in bed, I would start panicking.

An autopsy by the coroner said it was SIDS. A second autopsy by a specialist in SIDS has shown no other particular causes, no metabolic abnormalities, nothing like that. We don't have any of the risk factors for SIDS. Esme was asleep on her back. She was extraordinarily young for SIDS, and this is sometimes considered to be an entirely different category (SIDS type II). We are still in the process of talking to specialists, but I don't think we are going to find out answers, and I know the next time we are going to be fraught with anxiety, not just during the pregnancy but during the entire first year of our baby's life.

We want to try again as soon as we are given the green light. I don't think I've ever wanted to see AF as much in my life! On the positive side, I have learned how wonderful and supportive my friends on APA are, as well as my friends and coworkers outside of this forum. DH & I have always been close, but we have become closer still as a result of this tragedy.

[Melly]

Lydia,

I am really sorry. I know that I said that before, but it just doesn't seems that it could be said enough.

[DeDe]

Thank you so much for sharing all of your stories. I have cried reading each one of them and I am so sorry for all of you. It helps so much to know that there are people out there who have endured so much pain and sadness and still have the strength to tell others about their experience and think about trying again. You are all amazingly strong people and an inspiration to me.

I just posted a quick synopsis of my story under "I'm in a mood". My husband and I have been married for 4.5 years and together for almost 8 years. We have been living in Switzerland for the past 4 years and will be happily moving home to PA this Christmas. We thought it was the perfect time to finally start a family.

We went off the birth control and got pregnant within 2 months. In our excitement we did a home pregnancy test only 2 days after I missed my period and it was positive. We were so excited and we told a few of our closest friends and our families. Only 4 days after the positive pregnancy test I started to spot and by the next week it was worse. My doctor is on holiday but I saw another woman in the same office and she saw that there was nothing in my uterus. It was difficult for the first few days, but I realized that it was very common this early on and it shouldn't hurt our chances of having another healthy pregnancy.

However, as they continued to monitor my hcg levels they found that they were rising and I was sent to the hospital last Friday, on my 30th birthday, diagnosed with an ectopic pregnancy. I have had no severe pain and my hormone levels are low, below 1000. They could not see it anywhere with an internal u/s so they gave me methotrexate.

It has been extremely difficult, as I wrote on my other post, and I just can't wait until my hcg levels are dropping and we can finally start to move on. The Drs and the internet had me so scared that every little cramp I had I was thinking of going to the ER, until one resident finally explained to me that the pain of a dangerous ectopic will be unbearable and I will know it (she was prescribing painkillers to me for methotrexate pain and at the same time telling me that if I feel bad pain go to the ER immediately...didn't make much sense to me and I haven't taken any painkillers). I have been so confused and distraught. I was even thinking at one point, what if the baby is ok and now I am killing it...! I realize now that it was definitely a bad pregnancy and there was no hope.

This week I am home from work and getting my hcg levels tested throughout the week to make sure that they are going down. I am going through all of the normal emotions from being impatient to start again to thinking about giving up already and adopting. I was thinking of getting my tubes checked because I have no risk factors at all that I am aware of for an ectopic pregnancy and then I was thinking maybe it would have been better if they would have just removed this "defective" tube...bottomline, I am confused and sad and I am not sure what the future holds! Thankfully my husband is more rational and really wants to try again and gives me hope that things could be completely different next time.

Also, thankfully I found this forum and I no longer feel alone and defective. Thanks again for opening up and sharing your sadness and strength. You have all helped me tremendously already!

[PattyDG]

Ok...here is my story....when I was 18 I was told I would never be able to have babis due to alot of inside problems. I went through all the tears and heartache of never having my own baby. But over time I was "ok" with this. I met a wonderful man and he accepted the fact I would never have "his" baby. We were married Valentines day 2004. In July 2005 I had surgery due to endometriosis and a turned uterus. One of the side effects was I was now able to get pregnant!!! We decided to wait until February 2006 due to trying to get money situated. The first time we went unprotecte in Feb, we were pregnant!!! On the night before my 9 week sonogram I told DH that something was wrong. I did not feel any pain or anything, but just had a feeling something was not right. Sure enough, the next morning we saw there was no heartbeat. The baby measured 8 weeks. I went in for a d&c the next day.
We were told to wait about a month and then we can ttc again. In August we found out we were pregnant again!!! We were soooo excited!!! Then the excitment ended on September 6. I started having spotting and cramping. Went in to the Dr, did a sonogram and was told I was about to m/c. Sure enough, as soon as the wand came out, so did sooooo much blood and the cramps came BAD. I lost my angel that day.

I have an appointment on the 16th to see when we want to start ttc again. But to tell you the truth, I am SO SCARED! I am scared to bd mainly because if we use protection, what if that was the one time we could get pg? If we got pg, what if we lose it? I am still so lost. I think this loss was harder due to having to pass this one.

Thank you for hearing my story! (Hugs to you all)

[mary30]

Hi everyone all your stories were touching.

Well DH and I got married almost two years ago and I've wanted a baby ever since. In March of 2006 we found I was pregnant we were so excited. I had to tell everyone at my work because of some work related hazards. I could not believe I was going to have a baby.

When I was five weeks I started to spot and went to the ER and had my hcg levels checked and they were droping. I had a young female resident who told my right away I was loosing the baby.

I was devastated. I think they were getting me ready for a d/c I had a foley inserted my blood type was match, I was so nervous. I just wanted them to call my doctor, but they wouldn't. Then another doctor came in and orderd a vagional ultrsound.

I could not believe it, I saw on the screen a little peanut with a heart beat of 160!!! After going through all that for hours I was emotionally exhauseted.

For the next few weeks everything was fine. Then at 9wks I started to spot again but I had cramps, then really bad cramps. I knew it was over. I did not need to have a d/c my body took care of things.

Well I am now 5wks pregnant and I am soooo scared. I keep having this feeling something is wrong. I had to move my appt. till thursday so I won't know untill then. I Just can not get that thought out of my head.

Take Care

[Maisie's Mom]

I haven't had what's considered a "significant loss" and am in no way comparing my situation to those of other woman who've known more heartache than I have, but here's my story...

Charlie and I had been TTC for ten months when we got pregnant at last. I lost that baby at 4w/4d, but we were o.k. with it. We figured that I'd ovulated too late, my uterine lining couldn't sustain a baby, whatever--we were o.k. at any rate. We took the, "YAY! At least we can get pregnant!" approach. That was August 2, 2006. I went on Clomid that cycle (as I was supposed to have done before getting pregnant on my own since I ovulate so late) and had another positive pregnancy test on August 27th. After ten months we actually got pregnant twice in a row! Whoa!

My beta was perfect and rising, my progesterone was a nice, high 40.2, but he put me on Prometrium anyway as a precaution. At six weeks we saw the heartbeat but it was only 107 and I was measuring 4w/5d when I knew I should have been 6w/1d. From then on I just felt like things weren't going to go well this time in spite of my earlier optimism. Yesterday I went in for another ultrasound. I was 8w/6d. I was hoping to be told that I was measuring closer to my calculations and that the heartbeat was nice and strong and within perfect range.

We saw our baby yesterday and this time he actually looked like a baby. But I was hunting for a heartbeat, as was my doctor. I didn't see one. I started to feel the panic even before he said, "Sweetie, I'm not seeing a heartbeat." I whispered, "Yeah." I mean, hey, I knew. I was looking, too.

He told me not to get upset yet because sometimes the baby gets into a funny position and makes it hard to see, but I was measuring 8w/1d and a vaginal ultrasound should have picked up a healthy heartrate at that stage--late enough for there to be a heartbeat and too early to have enough wiggle room to NOT be able to pick it up. He sent me over to the hospital for another ultrasound but he also gave me a prescription for Tylenol #3. The tears wouldn't be held back at that point and I actually forgot where they do ultrasounds at the hospital in spite of having worked there for 11 years. I felt numb and unable to process information. I heard one of the nurses tell me to come back after the ultrasound and then I thought I'd made that up so I turned to the other nurse and said, "Did she say to come back?" She said, "Yes, come on back after the ultrasound," and my husband said, "Yes, you're supposed to come back," at the same time as he led me out.

I told him in the car, "They don't give you a prescription for Tylenol #3 if they think everything is going to be o.k." The U/S tech didn't see a heartbeat either. Not that she told us this, but she didn't say, "A-ha! So there it is!" either.

I went back to the OBGYN's office and was told they hadn't heard anything yet but that I should go on home and they'd call me. Two hours later, the office called and told me that the second ultrasound confirmed that there was "no cardiac activity" and that I could opt for a D&C or to miscarry on my own but that I should take time to think about it. I didn't need time to think. I chose to miscarry on my own.

I'm still waiting to start the process of losing my child. I have my Tylenol #3 and have cried a million tears. My husband cried a million tears.

My baby would have been 9 weeks today. I only measured at 8w/1 day yesterday. I know that it's not like the losses some of you other brave women have faced. But it's still happening so I'm having trouble processing it. I'm also afraid I'll never be able to carry a child to term or that I don't have any healthy eggs left.

But thanks for listening. I feel like I need to talk about it to women who understand.

[Melly]

Mary,

I will be thinking of you while you wait. I hope your little peanut is doing well.

[mary30]

Masie's Mom,
Your loss is just as hard as everyones. It is all the hopes and dreams that are really hard to come to terms with. I know it will get better and I understand your loss. I will be thinking of you!!

Melly,
Thank You :) That means a lot.

Mary

[3andMe]

Oh Maisie's Mom, I am so sorry to hear about your baby. Every loss is significant, and I am sorry you are having to go through this. I will be thinking of you.

[Melly]

Maisie's Mom,

I am so sorry. I remember congratulating you on your BFP. This is so horrible. I wish I could come and give you a big hug. Each loss is so difficult no matter when or how.

[bethie1012]

All your stories are beautiful and I appreciate your being willing to share. I have been floating around on the losses board for a few days but haven't really posted. My latest m/c is still so new and honestly, I am angry and don't know what to say. I just wanted to say that I appreciate the fact that I have somewhere to come to and get support when I am ready to talk. Thanks ladies.

[stash]

Chrysteen, we know each other well. You know as much about the pain of my losses as anyone. And I can honestly say that I don't consider your loss to be "less significant".

Loss is loss. It comes in different colors and flavors, but it sucks no matter when or how you have to swallow it.

We've been here for you through the last year of ups and downs. Let us be here for you now if you need us.

Hugs. Call me anytime.

Your dear friend,

Stacy

[smc]

i wasnt going to post here because im really trying to move forward and not dwell... but i've got to.

im stephanie. and i would have been due today. while probably just a chemical pregnancy, it ment alot to me. DH and i got PG right after he came home from Iraq... and the day after i found out i was pg, saw those two magic pink lines... i started bleeding and having terrible cramps, to the point where i was doubled over in pain. DH and i werent living with eachother at the time, he was finishing his contract at his base and i was packing to move to FL to be with him. Two days after i started bleeding i was schedualed to fly to be with him for extended leave/apt. hunting. With the counsel of the ladies here i made the decision to tell him... telling him that I had been PG and lost it was one of the hardest things ever.

I cried about it with him... once. and dont bring it up anymore he refuses to talk about it.

anyway, there is my story.

[Melly]

Stephanie & Beth,

You can always come here. We are here when you want to talk. I am so sorry for your losses.

[kenzie]

I was fortunate enough to get pg the first month we tried with my now 2 1/2 yr old daughter. I guess I must have taken the whole miracle of birth process for granted b/c we have been unable to have another child in the last 20 months of trying.

We were finally able to get pg after 7 months of trying. I was almost 9 wks pg when I started spotting and ended up losing the baby 3 days later. I miscarried the baby on my own at home, but when we got to the hospital our nurse told my husband that what we brought in wasn't the baby and she thought we might still be OK. He got his hopes up, but I knew it was over. The ultrasound confirmed there was no baby and we were sent home. I had been told I had ovarian cysts and was sent away with a nice parting gift - a terrible UTI from the catheter. I spent the next 2 wks in a lot of physical pain but we began ttc despite it all. I knew the only thing that would help me through this was to be pg again.

I got a positive hpt about 4 wks after my m/c. I went in for hcg levels to monitor the pg until it was high enough to see something on US. I had a very tiny little bit of spotting, but it went away after a couple of days around week 5 and I thought I was in the clear. I felt exactly the same way I did when I was pg with my dd, so I knew everything was going to be fine. I was still having very sharp lower abdominal pains, sometimes making me get up carefully and walk very slowly, but I thought it was from the ovarian cysts. The pains were now just on the one side, but I didn't think much of it. I was still nervous though going in for the US at 7wks. I told my husband not to come b/c we were really only going to find out our due date. I could see the heartbeat and was so relieved, until the tech told me it was an ectopic. My baby was happy and healthy but I wasn't going to be able to have her. I met with my OB and was sent straight to the hospital for emergency surgery. My dh met me at home and took me to the hospital. As soon as we arrived I was whisked away to surgery. I woke up feeling numb, like someone had just stolen my baby from me. My OB had to remove my tube to stop the bleeding. And even now I can't stop the hurting.

I believe that everything happens for a reason (although I know a lot of women here don't hold the same beliefs). I know that if I had not had the m/c, I would have never caught the ectopic before it ruptured (and my OB felt that I was very close to that point) and I might not be here today. I have yet to figure out why God has allowed me to go through all of this, and I may never know the real reasons. I know it is helping me to grow stronger as a Christian and has helped me to appreciate my daughter so much more.

[Melly]

Kenzie,

I am so sorry for your losses. I hope God sends you a baby soon.

[newmommie06]

I can't say it enough how sorry I am that we can all relate with the pain and suffering. Every story is very touching and I appreciate you guys sharing your story. Stacy this was a great idea.

Well here goes my story...

In February we found out we were pregnant. It was not planned but very much welcomed after the initial shock. We went to our appointment to receive yet another shock, we were having TWO babies!!! I cried and laughed at the same time and Df was as pale as a ghost. We didn't know exactly how we were going to manage with two babies (DF has three of his own) but we didn't care. We knew that one way or another we would get through it. I was SO excited and so proud to tell the world that I was carrying TWO babies, not only that but that they were identical. I loved the look on people's faces when I would mentioned it. It was such an amazing feeling.

On May the 24th at 20 weeks, we went in to do the level II Us and from that day forward our lives completely changed. We were told that our angels had a disease called TTTS. (This disease affects identical twins that share a placenta. The shared placenta contains abnormal blood vessels that connect the umbilical cord and circulation of the twins. Meaning one twin can receive more flood and blood circulation that the other causing damage to one or both twins) We had three options 1) amnios to remove excess fluid from the twin that carried more. 2) surgery to laser and close off all connecting vessels. and 3) do nothing and wait and see. I wanted to save my babies and I wanted to save them right away. We decided that we wanted to do the surgery which at the moment we felt was the right decision. There was a 50/50 chance of both twins surviving or both passing away. I felt that was the best thing to do to save my babies and not make them suffer.

I went into surgery on the 7th of June and watched the entire procedure. It was such an amazing sight, I saw my babies so clear on the monitor every detail about them and I was even able to tell that they were going to look like me. My bigger twin, Ricardo, was I think fascinated by the little camera that they used in the surgery because in the middle of everything he grabbed the camera and wouldn't let it go. We all had a good laugh in the OR because it was just the cutest thing. Little did I know that was the last time I was going to see my babies alive. After surgery, they took me to a room to monitor me over night. Leaving the OR room i knew something was not right because the babies heartbeats dropped but they assured me that it always happens after that procedure.

I following day I was wheeled over to the surgeons office and when he started doing the US to check on them I looked and I couldn't find the heartbeats, he didn't have to say anything I just bursted into tears. He turned to me and said "I'm sorry Zulema, both of your babies have passed away". i didn't know what to do, I cried and then I just didn't want to believe it and then cried again. I felt numb, alone and empty. They told me that I was able to go to the hospital to induce the labor or wait it out. I didn't want to wait anymore, I just couldn't so I went straight to the hospital.

After 16 hours of labor feeling every pain possible because the EPI didn't work, I gave birth to my sleeping beautiful babies Ricardo and Jose. I held them in my arms for three hours and then they were taken away from me forever.

I have several regrets, and even though I know that at the moment the decisions I made I truly felt were the right decisions I wish I could have done things differently. I honestly wish I didn't try to play God and have the surgery done. Maybe if I would have only done the amnios, things would have eventually corrected themselves and I would still have my babies with me( I have read plenty of stories in which they stuck with only the amnios and they delivered healthy beautiful babies). I knew the risk but I still took a chance, I wish I wouldn't have :cry: .

October 21st would have been my due date and in four days it will be 4 months since my babies went to heaven. It was getting easier for me but I think that with the due date getting closer it is getting difficult for me all over again. I know deep down inside I will one day have a baby to love and to hold but right now I just wish I had my angels back.

That is my story in the "short version", sorry it was so long but I thank you very much if you have gotten this far.

-Zulema

[carver06]

I am sorry for everyone's losses. I wasn't going to post my story b/c there were so many others that were further along and I'm getting better and moving on. But I decided to go ahead....

My dh and I were married this past Feb and we were not planning on starting a family until next year. I was on birth control and was having very strong emotional outburts I thought were due to stress from moving out on my own, being married and starting a new job that I absolutely hated. So I decided to quit taking my bc after April thinking maybe that would help. When I was on bc I started the same time every month. In May I didn't start on time...ok, I'm off from getting off the bc. Then I went out drinking with some friends one night, I didn't have much to drink but I was getting sick, so I stopped. I took a test that night and it was neg (this was 3 days after I was supposed to start). After being a week late, I took a test at the hospital I was working for and it was still negative. 2 weeks after being late I finally got a positive but you could barely see it. Called the dr's office and they did a urine test and confirmed it.
I was in complete shock!! I cried, I was scared. After the shock wore off I was excited!!

DH and I went in for the first appt b/c according to my last period I should have been 8 weeks and we should get to see the heartbeat. Well, they just saw the gestational sac and it measured at 4 weeks, dr said it was possible I was m/c. I asked her if it was possible ovulation was thrown off due to getting off the bc, she said it was and scheduled another us 1 week later to make sure everything was progressing. Sure enough the yolk sac was there then and moving along fine. Started the morning sickness, tiredness, sore breasts etc... 2 weeks later saw the heartbeat. I was concerned though b/c the heartbeat was only 85 and being a nurse I knew that was slow. The dr told me that it was ok for that size of baby and the ob nurse said she was surprised they could even pick one up at that age. But I wanted another us sooner than 4 weeks for my peace of mind. 2 weeks later, no heartbeat.
It was strange, before I left to go to the dr I knew what was going to happen. I had a gut feeling and I remember looking outside and it was pouring down rain, first rain in a long time for us being in a drought, and I remember thinking that it was going to be bad news on a day like that.
I was devestated of course. I had the option of a d/c or wait it out. I deciced to wait a week and if nothing I was going to do a d/c. In the mean time I wanted my hormone levels checked to make sure before I decided on a d/c. Then over that weekend I started spotting. The next week I lost it.
After reading everyone elses stories though, has helped me. I'm actually getting excited about ready to have a baby. Today I even watched baby story and bringing home baby on TLC and got excited and wanting to experience all of that.
I just hope and pray for all of us that we can have the joy of a baby soon!! Hugs to all and God bless!!!!

--Stefanie

[MarchMommy]

Today my 1st baby would have been ONE years old. i was Due October 2005...heres my story

I found out i was pregnant on January 27th 2005, i was feeling nauseous so i stopped and bought a pregnancy test. BFP!!! i called anyone and everyone who would listen. DH and i had gotten married November 27, 2004 and knew that right away we wanted to try for a baby. i have a medical condition that i knew about that elevated miscarriage risk, so we knew that starting our family was nothing to wait on. my mother had complications with both my brother and myself when she had us, and almost died, she was 20 and 22 when we were born. Im 26....(well 25 when i got preggo with my first)

the pregnancy progressed nicely. I had a little MS, the ultrasounds showed heatlhy heartbeats and healthy growth. we went for our 12 week appointment and the doppler rang out a beautiful noise of a babys heart beating. three days before my 16 week appt, i came home from work and went to the bathroom and noticed some brown discharge. i continued to spot thru the night, and called the OB. he said to rest and come in the next day if i was still bleeding. well i was, and an ultrasound showed a non viable baby, this was April 1st 2005. measuring about `15 weeks! i was totally devestated. right after i began to bleed SEVERELY. went home, started to go into shock from loss of blood, and had to be rushed back to the hospital for an emergency d&c.

i had a hard time getting AF, so my OB put me on Progesterone and 10 days later, i got my period. DH and were vacationing in Victoria BC and thats where we conceived our beautiful daughter. I found out i was pregnant on July 1st 2005

I stop and think about today, and today being my childs one year birthday, and i cannot imagine my life any differently than it is today! but im still sad for what could have been!!!


thanks for allowing me to share!!

[kenzie]

I have several regrets, and even though I know that at the moment the decisions I made I truly felt were the right decisions I wish I could have done things differently. I honestly wish I didn't try to play God and have the surgery done.

I don't think you were "playing God" by choosing to have the surgery. God has granted us knowledge and medical advances and we need to make decisions using both. Of course it is easy to say now that you shouldn't have had the surgery, but had you chose to do nothing, they may have still died and then you'd be blaming yourself for not doing the surgery. You did what you needed to do to give your babies a chance. As parents we have to make tough decisions. That's what life is about. I am sorry you had to go through this. Please don't blame yourself.

[Melly]

I agree with Kenzie. We can't blame ourselves. It is so difficult. As women it like we take too much responsiblitity for things that we actually cannot and did not control. I hope that we all will find peace in what has happened. Although I have not found that peace yet, I am still waiting and praying that it will come.

[mom2laila05]

We got married in Sept '04 and decided to TTC right away. We got PG the first cycle and had our baby girl just shy of 9 months later. healthy and perfect. I had a lot of m/s (all day for 17 weeks) and every other symptom in the book, but it was my reassurance.

We decided 4 months later that we would TTC after Laila turned 1. We did and got PG the first cycle again. We told everyone this time!! We found out the 11th w/ 3 HPT and announced it to the world basically. Shortly in I lost all symptoms, but deep down knew that no symptoms can be normal too. We saw the heartbeat on Sept 1st and I was so releived. Then my nerves came back again. I still had no symptoms. I started student teaching so I added a 30+ hour work week that i wasn't used to on my plate, plus just having a one year old around makes anyone exhausted, but yet I was still going strong. I just felt things weren't right, but constantly had the argument w/ myself to relax. Had a 10 wk appt and tried to hear the HB per my request (they don't usually try until 12 weeks). I had heard it w/ Laila before 9 weeks so I figured I'd hear it and promised myself I'd relax. Well, we didn't hear it, but was a bit reassured by the nurse saying that it is highly unlikely to hear it that early. So I forced myself to relax.
2 days later I got a smidgen of blood. I didn't worry too much, but the next day it was worse. Called the midwife, she said to take it easy and come in the next day for testing. That night it got a bit worse and the next morning too. They got me in and DH met me there. She checked me and I had a lot of blood so she sent me for the u/s. They told DH to wait. They did the u/s, told me to go get dressed. I pretty much knew then, yet still let my heart have hope. If they wouldn't call DH in then things weren't right. I did not wnat to ask any questions for fear I'd be able to read the ladies face and not have DH there for support. We met in the room and I started to cry. As soon as our midwife walked in I knew. I said things aren't right and she jsut shook her head. This was MOnday Oct 2, 2006. 3 days ago.

It all happened and was over within hours of then. I started immediatly cramping and bleeding and just made it home in time to get the worse of it all (I am RH Neg and had to go for a rhogam shot). The pain was worse than labor. All I kept thinking was how we saw it alive and within days it died and I had been carrying it inside me for 4 weeks. It's a wreck of emotions, but our baby girl gets us through. I know God had his plan and we will survive.

I wish everyone the best of luck w/ their TTC and my prayers go out to all!!

[Melly]

I am so sorry for your loss. I remember when I new something was wrong it was a horrible feeling to have no control over what is happening.

Good luck with Student Teaching. I taught for 5 years. It is a great profession. I am sending you lots of strength for this year through your new career and your loss.

[mom2disney6]

Well I guess it's my turn. I'll try not to make it too long.

In Oct 2004 my little girl was born. I had a complication called placenta increta and nearly had a hysterectomy, but finally recovered. Our dd was child #5 and we did not plan on having any more children. Then came Dec 2005 and low and behold after having one very light af, I was pregnant. We were in shock, but quickly got over it. I started spotting at 9 wks, but the baby was fine. This continued for about 4 wks with 2 episodes of bright red gushes. But our little angel was moving and had a great heartbeat. At 18 wks I had a level II u/s and all was well. So I started to relax, figuring that we were past what ever had been going on and that we would be bringing home a baby in the summer time.

Two weeks after the u/s, I got up to take dd to the doctor and run other errands. I remember thinking 'why am I peeing myself so much today?' but I didn't think a whole lot about it, after 5 kids your bladder doesn't hold too well. But a couple of hours later, I realized that my pants were wet, I knew that wasn't right. I called the doc and went to labor and delivery. By now I'm wearing a pad, because everytime I move there is leakage. Deep down I knew it was over, but I tried to hold onto hope. Well they try to check my cervix and find a bulging bag of waters. My little one is still moving and still has a great heartbeat, but I'm contracting and ruptured. During this whole time I only had one big gush of fluid, my little angel died during the night, she just couldn't handle all the fluid loss. I delivered her a few hours later, sadly while I was throwing up. She was perfect in every way. 10.6 oz and 10 inches long.

A lot of healing has taken place since then. It took a long time to come to an understanding of how God could let this happen. I know that there is a purpose for everyone, including little Hannah. When I finally get to go to heaven, I'll finally get to know all the reasons why. I still have some bad days, but most are good. I deal with a lot of guilt for mourning my child when I have 5 other miracles and some people have none. I'm nearly 12 wks pregnat with #7, conceived on Hannah's due date. There's a lot of anxiety and worry, but I'm gonna get through this. What doesn't kill you, Will make you stronger. I have had two early losses, but this is the one that I will never get over, but I will get through it.

[EAugustin]

First of all I must say that APA has meant soo much to me.. It has given me strength when I thought I had none.. As well as prayers. but to know that there is such a group that is so open and so supportive in whatever it is I need to let out I could not say what it means to me.. And in that.. My story...

My Third Pregnancy started out pretty much as my other 2 sons did.. I got sick to my tummy with anything I ate so I thought ok.. MUST BE ANOTHER BOY!! but come to find out I was to have a princess.. I could not be happier.. I would be able to experience my little dream of being able to dress a little girl.. Then at 5 months I had to stay in the hosp. because for the first time my asthma was so bad I need more med's then I ever had to use.. but through it all they said that I needed the med's cause if I couldn't breathe neither could my Anjelique.. and so days passed and on Jan.23, 2006 I gave birth to the most beautiful little girl I could have ever imaged.. She was so tiny to me at 6lbs and 11ozs.. I was almost afraid to hold her yet I didn't want them to take her away from me... And we took her home and she grew so fast it seemed right before our eyes.. Though Anjie was breastfeeding I had to give her formula as well because my milk production wasn't as good as it had been with the boys.. and we had to try 3 different formulas until we found Good Start was good for our Pretty Girl.. and even through hard nights of her crying in my arms it was me who could calm my princess down and be able to bring that smile that people couldn't believe she had already at such a young age... We took her for her Month check up and she was already at 11 pds.. HOW PROUD we were.. She even smiled at the doctor.. and time passed on (too fast) then on the Night of April 6th I laid my sweet Pretty Girl down to sleep not knowing that her smile that she gave me in her sleep would be the last I would be blessed with.. and she passed in her sleep on April 7th due to SIDS.. Needless to say this is the most pain a person can feel to lose their child and I am still in pain everyday.. Though I look up and know our Princess Anjelique is looking down on us my arms ache for her.. Yet through this pain someway we are now having the honor of soon welcoming another addition to our family who is our Peanut who is due a week before her sister's B-day.. as you can image emotions are more then sometimes I can handle.. but like I said I am blessed to have been able to love my Princess Anjelique and to have my 2 sons and to know that because of this group I have found some strength I thought I wouldn't have..

Thank you all...

[stash]

Although I have not found that peace yet, I am still waiting and praying that it will come.

It will, it just takes an unfortunately long time. :cry:

[Maisie's Mom]

mom2laila05--

Monday, October 2, 2006 was a very bad day. I would have liked to have skipped it. You lost your baby that day and I found out that mine no longer had a heartbeat. Very bad day. :cry:

I hope that you're healing.

[redtoptbrd]

I have been reading and crying all day. I am happy to have found you all. I have been married for a year now. We found out last month we were pregnant. This was a great suprise to us dh is 57 and I am 43. We decided not to tell anyone but family for the first trimester. Oct 2 was dh's birthday and the date of our first ulta sound. My mom was hear for it, we all went to the tech room. I new this tech from other apointments I also have had cancer three times in the last year. This tech usualy talkes and jokes but said nothing and my dh was saying nothing. the tech did both internal and external ultrasounds and I was told to get dressed. When I returned to the room my ob was on the phone and my fear was tremendous. she told me the baby was dead and had died at least a couple of weeks prior. Three days later they did the d and c and removed some more cancer. Everyone thinks I should be over this but I am not... I have had two other miscarages but i have never felt like this in my life. I can't help but think I wish I had been in a car wreck or something. I just cant wrap my head around this one. I am not looking forward to going back to work... I have been out on fmla due to a hostal and stressful work environment. I know when I go back there will be things said in spitefulness about my age and having a child. Please pray for me to have compassion towards those people. Thank you all for being here for me I just need to talk to someone that can understand why I can't stop crying or why I can't get anything done. How long before I can function again?

[Melly]

Welcome to APA. I thank God you found us too. After reading your story, I can see why you are feeling so heartbroken. You have every right to feel the way you do. Take it one day at a time. Feel free to tear some of those negative peoples' heads off if you need to. It will help to get them off your back.

We will here for you.

[ljs318]

redtoptbrd, welcome to APA. I'm sorry you had to join us, but glad that you found us. I think people don't realize how hard it is to have a loss unless they have been through it. I have found that the people who have been the kindest to me are the ones who have gone through something similiar. Please come here whenever you need the support of women who know what you are going through.

I also want to thank everyone for sharing their stories. I found it so helpful in the beginning to know that I was not alone and I was not crazy for the feelings that I had. It helps me to know that months later it is still normal to feel sad and get upset and that with my due date approaching that it gets harder again before it gets better. This place has been such a gift and such a help in my healing process.

THANK YOU ALL!

[3andMe]

Welcome. There is no set answer for how long it takes. You will never forget, but it does get easier. Time and support seem to be the best remedies. APA helps a lot. I am sorry for your loss, and sorry as well to hear that you don't have supportive people at your work that can at least be understanding about this. You are going through a lot right now, and anyone or anything that isn't helping you should be avoided, ignored, or confronted, depending on what it is and how you feel about it. You need to be good to yourself right now.

[redtoptbrd]

Thank you all so much for listening to me and for sharing with me. I can feel the support you give and am grateful for the care you give that support with. I feel a bit better today and hope each day will help me grow stronger. To each of you I would say you are remarkable women, sharing your hopes, dreams, fears and pain with everyone and giving the love to help others heal all losses are painful and you are the women that know that it matters not if you have been unable to conceive or have conceived and lost those hurts all matter and each person hurts and heals differantly. My thoughts and prayers are with you all and I can't thank you enough for being here for us all. My hope for all is peace love and joy to you my new friends. Jana

[Kiriall]

While it wasnt long ago I was posting my BFP post, alot has changed. I just moved to a new town a few weeks ago, and was researching what doctor to go to.....but October 10 I woke up to having extremely painful cramps and light bleeding. I woke my husband up because I knew something wasnt right, he told me to get dressed and we would go to the hospital. I, of course, started telling him I didnt need to go...but he insisted...so we went. As I was sitting in the waiting room the light bleeding very quickly turned to VERY heavy bleeding, and everything went worse from there. They did ultrasounds and other testing, and sent me directly in for a d&c. Needless to say, my whole world crashed, once again. This is now my third m/c. I had waited seven years to try again, after having 2 missed m/c in a year. Now, going through it again, I wonder at what point do I admit defeat and say this wasnt meant to be?

I appreciate all of you here at APA. I have found alot of comfort and answers here. I will be going back to the doctor on tuesday to hopefully find some answers.

My heart goes out to all of you who have been through the loss and heartache. I know from experience it is not an easy thing to go through, and I agree time eventually makes it easier. I had hope a few weeks ago, but now I am back at square one.

Thanks for being here to let me vent a little.

[Melly]

I am so sorry for your loss. I hope that your doctor will be able to give you some answers.

[mombeemer]

double posted. sorry.

[mombeemer]

Hi, I’m Jeannie. I’ve been lurking around this board for a while now, reading your stories, crying with you. APA has been a great support.

I feel really awkward about this, strange. But I’m only getting worse. And this seems like the best place to tell my story – to get it off my chest. And Stacy recently posted something that mirrored how I was feeling – more impetus for me to talk about it.

In April I gave birth to Branden. My husband and I continue to be overjoyed. I wish everyone this kind of blessing in their life. Not long after his birth, my husband and I say to each other – why haven’t we done this sooner?

But I almost did this sooner. Twice. It was a long time ago and I had nearly forgotten. It’s hard to believe that I could forget – and maybe it’s not that I forgot, I just hadn’t thought about it in a long time.

You see, when I was 18, which is now 16 years past, I got pregnant. It was my first year in college, I wasn’t with my boyfriend very long and I was scared. I didn’t know what to do and my boyfriend was “leaving it up to me.� So I avoided making a decision. Time passed and I got further and further along and I tried to think of ways to tell my parents. But suddenly the decision was made for me – I miscarried at 14 weeks and had a D&C. I never told anyone about it. The only one that ever knew was my boyfriend. To be honest, we were relieved. Or I thought I was relieved. And we did not talk about it again.

Fast forward two years. Same boyfriend and I got pregnant again. This time I chose to terminate the pregnancy. That’s what my doctor called it – a termination. It was a snap decision and happened as quickly as it was made. I was only 6 weeks pregnant. Once again, the only one who ever knew was the boyfriend. And we never spoke of it again.

Boyfriend and I break up – permanently. Life moves on. I don’t think about it.

Fast forward to August, 2006. Branden is almost 4 months old. He’s nursing to sleep. We’re rocking and I’m stroking his hair, thinking to myself how wonderful he is. I think, If he’s this wonderful, how would my other children have been?

What?

In that moment I have a flood of memories. I start crying uncontrollably and Shaun has to take the babe. He is dumbfounded. He has no idea why I am crying – no, wailing. It was like running into a brick wall, only this wall hurt in a much deeper way. Of course I knew I had miscarried and had an abortion – I knew these things intellectually. But I had no idea of what they meant at the time. Young and dumb, I hadn’t grieved. I had packed the thoughts of what had happened away, foolishly, never knowing that by not dealing with them then, I would have to deal with them later. I had never mourned those children.

I am crying now, again, and can hardly finish my story. I don’t even know how to begin to truly deal with these losses. All that time ago I had not understood that they were losses, not in the sense that I understand them now. Now I think about them all the time. What would they have looked like? Were they boys, were they girls? They would be teenagers now! If I had them then, would I have Branden now? I possibly could have had one of them – so I am finally mourning my miscarriage, and regretting, guiltily, the abortion, the babe that never had a chance. (I ask myself, again, if I had that one, would I have this one.)

The questions keep coming, the tears keep flowing; I hug my son closer to me. I have to love him enough for three, and I think I do. I guess this is the beginning of my grieving process.

Thanks, ladies, for reading.

[ali's june baby]

Thank you all for sharing your stories. It breaks my heart that so many of us have to experience losses.

Here's my story:

My husband and I started TTC in August of 2004. I found out I was pregnant Labor Day, 2004. Everything was going fine. On January 4, 2005, we found out that we were having a boy. We named him Hunter. Both DH and I were so excited. In February, we moved out of state. I was still working in Illinois, so I would drive back and forth and stay in Illinois with my mom on the weekdays. The first week in February I left our house in Wisconsin at 5 in the morning so I could get to work in Illinois by 8. I slipped and fell and broke my ankle. DH carried me to the ER, and the doctor assured us the baby was fine, even though she did not do any tests. I was still nervous, but I thought I would wait until my doctor's appointment the next week, since I thought I felt Hunter move. On February 10th, I worked my last day in Illinois, and went to my last OB appointment there, before switching to a new OB in Wisconsin. It was weird, I hadn't felt Hunter move, but I wasn't worried about it. But I sat in the waiting room, looking at the other women, thinking that I looked smaller and less pregnant. They called me back, and instead of weighing me and getting a urine sample like usual, they put me on the table to check for a hb. It was like they already knew. I had been leaking fluids for about a week, but I had not thought anything of it, thinking (embarrassly) that I was losing a little bladder control. The nurse found no hb. SHe called the doctor in. He checked. He said "we need an U/S". I started to get really nervous. As they did the u/s, I saw my little angel's face. He looked so peaceful. But, there was no tell tale flash of a hb. The doctor grabbed my hand, and said "I'm sorry, your baby's heart has stopped beating, and he stopped growing". I will never forget that. I was rushed to the hospital, were I was given 3 more u/s to confirm that Hunter had passed. I was 27 weeks.

DH was already living in Wisconsin, and he rushed to Illinois to be with me. At the hospital, we were given the options, I could deliver Hunter, or I could be referred to a specialist, who could preform a D & E. The D & E is like a D & C, but done in as a surgery in a hospital. I was given that option because they thought Hunter was smaller than 27 weeks, at which the surgery would be dangerous. I was a mess and could not deliver vaginally. I was scheduled for a D & E. My water broke, and I was rushed back to the hospital. It appears that the leaking I had for a week, was actually leaking amniotic fluid. I blamed myself for not knowing. It was speculated, however, that Hunter's loss was caused by a cord accident. Though my water broke, I was not in labor, so I had the D & E on 2/16/05. It was horrible. Hunter was very large, and I should have had a c section or delivery. THere were complications, and a lot of pain. The emotional pain was a lot worse. It then took me 6 months to conceive Ian, and a lot of marital stress because of our differences in dealing with our loss. Ironically, I also went into labor with Ian at 26 1/2 weeks, and luckily, my doctor was able to stop my labor twice.

I love Ian with all my heart. I just wish I had both of my boys in my arms. But I know that Hunter is my little angel in heaven, looking after his daddy, mommy, and little brother.

I am so sorry of all of your losses. It is wonderful to have this site and to have a few shoulders to cry on.

[stash]

Jeannie... I've been thinking about your post since I read it and waited to respond because I wanted to think about what to say to you.

I've decided what I want to say. I read your post and thought how eloquently you expressed such a very hard set of emotions.

It's amazing what having a baby in your arms can do to change your perspective on life, and on your past. I can't say I've experienced what you have, but... I know that now I see my losses in a very different perspective... now that I know what I missed by losing Jasper.

I just wanted to offer you some hugs, and one little bit of light, if you can see it. You have to focus on Now, sweety. Things in the past are anchors that will prevent you from enjoying each and every second of the Present. As hard as it is, the past is exactly that.

I know I sound all New Age and freaky when I say that, but it's the truth with a capital T.

Stacy

[jules]

Hi, my name is Heather and I am fairly new to APA. A friend of my suggested that I check out the site after having my first miscarriage Sept. 1st. I have found the site to be full of information and theraptic. My husband and I are trying to concieve again so hopefully it will work and stick this time. I wish everyone the best of luck and tons of baby dust!

[Melly]

Welcome Jules,

Lots of Sticky Baby Dust to you.

Mel

[zmom]

I'm in tears reading all of your stories....you are all so strong. I'm so very sorry for all of your losses.

[Suzie]

Hi, here's my story,

I was 20 when i first found i was pregnant, i lived with my boyfriend and was as happy as anything to find we were expecting, although we wernt married. At 8 1/2 wks our excitment was over, i started to lose a brown discharge, was told by my GP to rest for a cpuple of days as it could be fine as i wasnt losing fresh blood,but 2 days later it turned to blood and i was taken to hospital for a D&C, i felt so sad but tried to put it behind me as i knew we could try again, 17 months later (by this time we were married) i was pg again, i worried the whole way through but this time everything was fine and i gave birth to a healthy boy.

The marriage broke down but i soon met my next husband to be and 3 years later was pg again wasnt so worried this time as the last baby was fine, sure enough 9 months past and i gave birth to another healthy baby boy.

Then 10 years have past and on 19th August this year we had the shock of our lives to find i was pg again, we hadnt been trying as we wernt planning on any other children, my hubby was devastated as he DIDNT want anymore children, he is 40 and i am 37, so we went through the next couple of weeks in an emotional turmoil as i wanted to keep the baby. eventually he came round and everything was fine, we went on a mini cruise with a load of our friends and while on board i started to lose a brown discharge....i knew exactly what was hapening, it took around 24 hours and i started to lose fresh blood, i just got into the medical room on the ship when i had this sudden urge to go to the bathroom, the pain by that time was unbearable, it was worse than the labour with my 2 boys, i just got to the bathroom in time as our baby came, i was only 11 1/2 weeks pg but we saw the baby in almost perfect form...my heart was broken...this happened on the 1st of october...4 weeks now.

What hurts the most is that this pregnancy wasnt planned, the turmoil of hubby getting used to the idea and then taken away from us....i wanted this baby so much...the emotional pain seems to be getting worse not better.

Thankyou for listening, sorry it took so long.

[Melly]

Welcome to APA. I am so sorry for your losses. I also lost my baby at 11 weeks. It is hard. I hope that you will find peace. It has been 6 months and I am still not complete. I feel better and time has helped.

Hugs.

Mel

[Woogelaide]

Hi everyone-

I originally posted in July due dates, but it's not going to work out. I'm have my 2nd MC right now.

No full term births yet.

-Jen

[Melly]

I am so sorry. We are here for you.

Mel

[xtrememousey]

I haven't really talked about it since it happened but here's the story. My DH and I got married in July '04. About a month later a good friend of mine had her baby. After the first time we babysat, we started talking about it and at the end of the month (oct '04) we were at the store to get my BCP and he just looked at me and said...."don't worry about, let's just go home" so Nov'04 was when we started TTC. fast forward 12 months and a diagnosis of PCOS later i started the drug cocktail of metformin, prevera, and clomid. In April '06 i decided to see what would happen if I just stopped for a month. No drugs all of April because i had a DR's appointment on the 28th. Took a test there and it was neg, so she put me back on the drugs. I took the provera and nothing happened. I got no AF no nothing except really sore boobs (lol). I took an HPT on May 10th and it was a BFP. I was in shock....I couldn't believe it....so over the next 2 days i took 5 more tests....all BFP....and it was mother's day weekend....so we told his family, mine would have to wait until father's day because i want to tell them in person and we were going to Chicago to visit and would be there on father's day. Went to the dr to get a blood test that monday and it was confirmed that i was between 3 and 4 weeks, easily missed at like 1 week at the dr's on the 28th of April.

We were ecstatic to say the very least.....and then at work that next saturday i started spotting. My store manager took me to the ER. I knew then it was over.....but the ER dr kept saying that my cervix was still closed so i might not be miscarrying. The other thought was that I was on clomid so I could be miscarrying one of a set of twins. They sent me home and said that if the spotting got worse or I passed any clots I should come back. So we came home and I was physically in a lot of pain. The next morning I passed 2 fairly large clots in the shower and DH took me back to the ER. They did an ultrasound to see if it was multiples and i lost just one but that was not the case. They had started talking about a D&C but I was already passing the baby well, so we decided to just let it happen naturally.

My vacation was emotional he!! and I never did tell my parents. I think about it all the time and am almost terrified of seeing a BFP because I don't know if this will happen again. My world did a 360+ in 11 days and I just don't know how I would handle that again.

You ladies help keep me strong and I cried at every story.
leyla

[Melly]

Leyla,

Thank you for sharing your story. I hope you get a BFP soon that will turn into a healthy 9 months.

Big Hugs.

Mel

[katkev04]

Thank you for all of your stories ladies. I was on APA starting in May, after finding out I was prenant after only a few months TTC. I had some HCG scares and some dark brown spotting early on, but no overall problems. A couple of sonograms showed slower growth than I was expecting, so I chalked it up to bad counting on my part. I had no noticeable pregnancy signs, and I worried constantly. I think deep down I knew something was wrong. Father's day weekend, I started spotting, which turned bad, ending in a D&C on Father's Day. No know reason, just first pregnancy stuff, although I was 11 weeks along or so. My DH has been wonderful. We are going to start trying again in June or so, thanks everyone for your stories. I'm glad to be back here where everyone is so supportive.

Katie

[Kristen]

We lost our baby last week - I was at 13 weeks and was supposed to be past the "scary" time.

I'm not sure how we move forward through all of this - the best I can figure is that you just let yourself feel and live through the pain.

I've appreciated reading all of the posts in here and it does help to know that there are people out there that REALLY get it when it comes to losing something you wanted so badly.


Kristen

[newmommie06]

Kristen,

I am very sorry about your loss. I know how I felt when I lost my twins and how I was feeling shortly after that so I can feel your pain.

You're are absolutely right, you let yourself feel and live through the pain. Things will get better, you will have your bad days and your good days just know that we are here for you and we all unfortunately share the pain.

Take care of yourself.

[Kristen]

Thank you so much for your kind words newmommie, they really do help.

I'm so very sorry for your loss as well.

[mommabert]

Starting at the beginning....

DH had a vasectomy reversal in April of 2003. It was a long shot because he had his vasectomy done over 15 years ago. We decided we still wanted to try the surgery and see what happened. At first there was nothing, and we tested every 6 months....then we got biological matter which turned into a few swimmers. We still held off on trying for a baby because I wasn't "ready." In January of 2006 I went off all of my medicines for rheumatoid arthritis (one of which is methotrexate) and we waited 9 months (just to be sure they were completely out of my system) before we started trying. We found out we were pregnant on Thanksgiving this year - and were ECSTATIC to say the least.

On Monday Nov 27th, my HcG was 195. On Thursday Nov 30th it was 273 (not a good jump like it should have done) and then on Monday Dec. 4th it was 495. The doctor told me then that this was not a healthy pregnancy and that it was just a matter of time before I miscarried, it just hadn't happened yet. The next day it started. Yesterday (Dec. 7th) was a painful day - physically. The doctor had said that it wouldn't be any worse than a normal period - it was far worse. I couldn't walk upright at all - and my poor DH begged me to let him take me to the ER but I refused. Emotionally I had somewhat prepared myself for the m/c. Today it's pretty much over, not near as much pain and cramping as yesterday.

This was our first try for a baby and we were looking forward to telling our families as their Christmas presents. As far as our families know we can't even have children - so this was going to be biggest "Punk'd" ever! We might try again one of these days, but I'm worried that this was our one chance. Only time will tell I guess.

[mommabert]

Sorry - I meant to say that my last HcG was 408, not 495.

[katkev04]

I'm so sorry for your loss, my prayers are with you.

[Danic]

I lost my baby last week, december 13th.
I was 7 weeks along.
I am 38. childless and dating a 41 year old man with 2 kids of his own. We have them with us every other week.

My DBF was ok with the idea of having another when we started dating, but as time passed, he sorta changed his mind. I remained with him anyways, I was and still am so much in love with him. I was hopeful he'd change his mind. I was 36 when we began dating. We bought a house together in 2005, he wanted a 3 bedroom house in "case" we decide to have a kid together (so the possibility was there).
September 2006, I was diagnosed with abnormal cells in my cervix and needed to be tested. With the IUD, i couldnt be tested, it needed to be removed. My Af were also very abundant. And, I did not wish to wear an IUD anymore. I'd been using one for over 10 years...
I had the IUD removed in april 2006.
First, DBF avoided sex al together (but not for long). Then he was pulling out. In july, I was sick for 2 weeks and he took care of me, he said he feared loosing me and realised how much he loved me. He stopped preventing pg. I had no idea if I was fertile. I decided to temp, and I realised i was O'in.
I got my BFP in nov 2006.
DBF was not happy but NEVER blamed me in anyway. He was so shocked by the PG that he wanted to leave me. Then he realised he would never leave but, didn't have time to let me know....
...i started spotting on a sunday nite, lost the baby 4 days later.
The very first day of spotting, We saw the foetus and hb on the screen at the ER, my HCG levels were normal.

I am very sad and angry now. I think this loss changed something in my DBF. I have a tiny hope he will want to TTC... but it is slim.
my situation is special, i fear he will never let us become pg again... my challenge is difficult, i may have to abandon him and my house. all this is NO certainty of having a child. How can I even conceive makin a baby with another man while I am so in love with this one :(

i pray, and pray everyday, every FIVE minutes that he changes his mind. :roll:

[ljs318]

Danic, I am so sorry for your loss. I can tell from your post how deeply you want a child and I'm sorry that your situation makes that complicated. I do understand the desire for a child and how it's not something that you can take away or ignor. I think you just have to follow your heart and have faith that it will work out. Maybe after the holidays and the shock of the pg and m/c wear off you can have a conversation about the relationship and what you each expect from it. Take care, I know this is a hard time for you. (HUGS) - Laura

[<3.Mel.<3]

I had my first m/c on 11/02/02. I was 17 years old and had just broke up with my boyfriend at the time (the baby's father) We decided to try and work things out. He got abussive one night and ended up going to jail. A couple days later I had an ultrasound to make sure the baby was okay and there was no sign of a heartbeat.
I chose to let the m/c happen on it's own and declined the D&C. It took a very long time for me to get over that one.
My second m/c was in October of 2005. I started spotting a couple days after I got my BFP. I knew immediatly that it was another m/c. Andy took me to the ER and I had an ultrasound. Sure enough there was nothing there.
3 months later I got another BFP. I didn't let myself get attached and prepared myself for the worst with that pregnancy. It turned out to be a healthy, flawless pregnancy and I gave birth to my son Ethan on 10/15/06 at 9lbs 6oz and 22inches long. He is a very healthy and bright baby and the absolute joy and love of my life.

[poohbearkrazy]

It all started on Christmas day. I woke up not felling well and was kind of depressed all day long. What is usually one of the happiest days of the year for me was one of the worst. But all in all I held myself together for my family and my boys and went on about my day. I hadn't felt any movement from the baby but just chalked it off to the fact that I was very busy. Well things calmed down for the day and when we got home it was about 9:30 in the evening and I was ready for bed after such a stressful day. So my husband and I put our boys to bed and were in bed ourselves by 10:00. I laid there and tossed and turned and had my hands on my belly but couldn't feel any movement. I told my husband that I was starting to get worried because I couldn't feel the baby move and he said that it was probably just that the baby was sleeping because we had such an active day. Well I accepted that and turned over and went to sleep. I woke up the next morning to start a new day and laid there for about 15 minutes before getting up and still felt no movement. I called my husband at work to let him know and he told me to schedule a doctors appointment to get checked out. I told him that I had an apointment for 4:15 anyway and I would just keep that apointment, but if I started feeling any pain or anything that I would call him to come home and we would go immediately. Well I went on about my day taking care of my kids and doing housework as I normally would. I put my boys down for a nap and decided to lay down myself. About 5 minutes of laying there on my back and I suddenly got a big surprize. My little one just let out a big huge kick and that was it. I laughed and told her thanks for about giving mommy a heart attack and rubbed my belly and told her how much I loved her. I called my husband and told him that everything was fine and layed there and took a little nap until my boys were ready to get up. Shortly after my husband came home from work and I headed off to my doctors appointment. I got there and got to see the doctor right away. It was late in the afternoon and I was the last patient for the day. The doctor came in and asked how I was doing and I told him that I felt a little tired but other than that I was fine. I laid back and he put the doppler on my tummy to listen to the baby. He searched for about 2 minutes and found nothing but my heartbeat. So he said well I bet she is just turned in a bad position and the doppler is just not picking it up. He said lets get a quick peak just so we know that everything is ok. I laid down on the ultrasound table and he started the ultrasound, and within 30 secounds he was shaking his head and said i'm sorry hun but your baby has passed away. It was the worst feeling that I could ever imagine. I told him that was impossible because I had just felt her move 2 hours before that. He said that it looked as if it had just happened within the last 30 minutes. How could this be I had done everything right. I called my husband and my family and they were all there within 30 minutes. The doctor sent me to the hospital to get labor induced. And they started the medicine right away but told me that the process could take anywhere from 2 days to 2 weeks. So I laid there in that hospital for 6 days in so much pain and with a broken heart. And finally I was starting to dialate and things went very fast. I was checked at 9:30 in the evening and was at 3 cm dialated. The nurses gave me some Ambien (sleep meds) and told me to try and get some rest. I laid there til about 11:30 and was in so much pain that I couldn't take it anymore. So I called for the nurse and asked for some pain meds. She checked me to see if I had progressed anymore and sure enough I was 7cm and my bag of waters was ready to pop. They called the doctor and she was there within 15 minutes. She told me when I was ready we could do this. I told her I was ready and so she poped my bag of waters and with the next contraction and a very strong push I delivered my beautiful baby girl. She was so tiny but perfect in every way to me. I held her for about 30 minutes and just cried. The hurt was so bad. We decided to name her Neveah Grace. Neveah is Heaven spelled backwards and she is our little angel in heaven so the name was perfect for her. I had her at 12:07 in the morning on 1/1/2007. She weighed 10 oz and was 12 inches long. I am doing preety well and have a wonderful family who are very supportive and helpful. And I also still have my boys who need me to stay strong and continue being their mommy. I have attached a couple of pics of my beautiful angel below.





















http://i125.photobucket.com/albums/p45/poohbearkrazy/100_0522.jpg
http://i125.photobucket.com/albums/p45/poohbearkrazy/TinyHand.jpg

[bdodge]

My husband and I started TTC a couple of years after we were married. We got a BFP 2 months after going off the pill and our DS was born 9 months later. When he was three we started TTC #2; it took us 18 months of actively trying and then 9 months later our DD was born. Both times we had virtually no issues and relatively smooth deliveries.

When my DD was 10 months old I was diagnosed with Graves disease and had to stop nursing and have my thyroid burned out with radioactivity. Sense then...nothing but problems...

We started TTC to conceive # 3 when DD was 1 year old...thinking it would take us a while as it did with her. She is now 4.5 years old and I just suffered my 3rd miscarriage. The first 2 were relatively early @ 9 weeks and 5 weeks. This one ended in a D&C when I was just shy of 14 weeks. The baby had died at 13.5 weeks. I had a healthy heartbeat the day before. I had 5 ultrasounds all showing exactly right measurements and appropriate development. I was on a cocktail of glucaphage, and clomid to get pregnant and then started progesterone when I got the BFP. We thought maybe we'd found an answer.

The kicker is we spent the whole first trimester telling ourselves this probably wouldn't work out...don't buy in...don't get to excited...don't tell anyone...
Then on Christmas Eve we tell DS and DD they are going to have a little brother or sister...everyone was so excited.

It's hard to believe it actually happened. The anger and disappointment I feel is overwhelming. I feel like I am grieving the end of something...I just don't know if I can do this again and at the same time...I just can't believe I won't have anymore children.

We have consented to another round of lab work and testing on baby that just died. My OB wants to see if anything shows abnormal with the clotting issues and such and then get pregnant with an RE overseeing...I just don't know what to do...

When I read all your stories; I was so sad for you. I can feel your physical pain. Does it help to know you aren't alone? It helps me a little...not everyone can understand...

Barbara

[rebecca26]

Well, since we are doing intros i Haven't posted this yet, so here it goes
I am 27 and my DH is 26. We have been married almost 2 years and started trying in april of 06 to have a baby. In oct 06 I went to the ob/gyn and he told me to start doing ovulation kits, and he did an progesterone test that month too. He called and said everything was good----we did the kit in oct and nov and found out i was pregnant nov 27th. We of course told everyone we know b/c we were soooo excited. On december 6th i started spotting some red blood, not a lot, but enough so i called the doc---he made me come in on the 7th and did bloodwork on the 6th at the hospital-----he checked me out on the 7th, put me on prenatal vitamins and said everything looked good, a little spotting is ok, and he put me on bed rest until the bleeding stopped. I went back to work on the 12th, and on the 13th i woke up with cramps and pretty steady bleeding. I went to work at 12:30pm and by 1pm i called my dr who told me to immediately go to the hospital, get an ultrasound and bloodwork and get back on bedrest. I went in on the 14th to see the dr and he said he was concerned for a tubal because the radiologist went over my u/s and there was never anything in the uterus( i had an u/s a week and a half before) so he suggested he do a d and c right then and there and so he did that. with no medication or anesthia-------it sucked.
now my DH and i are just waiting to try again-----i am praying for a thanksgiving or christmas baby----------
LOTS OF STICKY BABY DUST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Kristen]

Barbara and Rebecca, I'm so sorry for your losses. I hope that you find this board comforting to you both.

Hugs, Kristen

[rebecca26]

Thanks Kristen! I have found so much support and comfort from you ladies and I am not sure what I would have done without APA. I love my DH but he just doesn't understand like you girls.
Sticky Baby Dust To All--I hope we all find hope and healing this year

[mcurfman]

Here is my story: I will try to keep it short.

My husband and I had been dating for 2 months when he asked me to marry him. I was still in school and my dad didn't want us to get married until I graduated. Of course, we didn't want to wait that long, but we would because my dad had asked us to wait. The beginning of January, I found out that I was pregnant. We finally got up the courage to tell both sets of parents. We knew they wouldn't be happy because it wasn't a planned pregnancy. My dad was not happy at first. He said that I would never finish school. We decided that we would get married at the court house and then have a ceremony later. My sister's decided that we needed a ceremony as soon as posible. One of my sister's let us have the ceremony in her front yard. Every thing with this pregnancy went well. I had my son on Sept. 2003. He is now 3 years old.

During my last year in college, my husband and I had talked about having another child. I hadn't been on birth control for awhile becuase my husband lost his job and the insurance with his new job was way too much money. We never decided when we would start trying, but if we got pregnant we would be happy. My last period was in January 2006. When it was time for my next period, it never came. I started to test at the end of January. I would take a test every week to every week and a half. Every test I took at home was negitive. During this time, I felt terrible. I knew something was wrong. I took the last hpt on Sunday before I went to the doctor on Tuesday. Again, this one was negitive. My husband stayed at home with me that Tuesday and I called my supervising teacher and told her that I was going to go to the doctor. I went in and told the nurse that I hadn't had my period since January and every test I had done at home was negitive. I also told her that my stomach had been acting up as well. Anytime I was hungry I would go and try to eat something, but didn't have an appitite. They did a test in the office and it was positive. I went home and called my ob and told them my situation. I went in for my first visit with the prenatal nurse. At that appointment we scheduled my next appointment for a pap and a ultrasound. During the my week of spring break in April, I was practicing for my piano exam that I had to pass to graduate. That Monday, I went to the bathroom and when I wiped there was brown blood on tissue. I called my mom and she said she didn't think there was anything to worry about, but I should keep a watch over it. This kept on for the next hour. I never had any on my underwear, it was only on the tissue when I would wipe. I finally called the doctors office and they decided that I needed to come in and have an ultrasound done. When I went in the doctor wasn't able to find heartbeat on the ultrasound. Since they didn't have anything to compare it with, I do not know how many weeks I had been pregnant or for how many weeks the baby had stopped growing. After talking to my husband and my mom, I decided that I would have the D&C. The doctor told us that we needed to wait two cycles before we started to try again.

We decided to wait until August to start trying again. September came and went and I got my period. October came and went and I didn't get a period. We started testing the first week in November. I took four tests within a span of two weeks. All four of the test were negitive. I had started to worry again. This was how I started the last time. I finally was able to get a positive result, but it was very faint. I called the doctor and scheduled my first visit. I took another test before I went to the doctor a couple days later. That one was also very faint. I was worried that they would determine that I wasn't pregnant. I went into the doctors office and they did my test and took me back to the prenatal nurse. As soon as I walked in her office I asked her what their test had said. She told me that I wouldn't be in her office if the test was negitive. We scheduled my ultrasound and pap for Dec. 4th. I went in for the u/s and was able to see and hear a heartbeat. The baby was measuring 6 weeks and 2 days. We thought we were in the clear because we had seen a heartbeat. I went in for my 10 week check-up at 11 weeks due to the death of my father. We thought we were going to be able to hear the heartbeat with the doppler. The doctor came in and wasn't able to find it. He said that it was normal for them not to be able to pick up a heart beat this early, but he wanted me to have a u/s. So we went back and he wasn't able to find the heartbeat. He said that the baby was measuring at 7 weeks. My baby stopped growing the week after my first u/s. I was devastated. I had just burried my father and now I knew that my dad would get to see my baby before I did. Because this time we were not able to qualify for medicaid, we decided that we would wait and let the miscarriage come naturally.

I started to miscarry on Jan. 12. It was the worst thing I have had to go through. I have a doctors appointment this Friday to see if I have passed everything. I am worried that I haven't becuase I am still bleeding. Some days it is light, like a normal period, but others when there is a lot more than a normal period.

There are days when I think I am okay with what has happened, but then I will see someone with a baby or I will see someone that is pregnant and break down crying again. I didn't think I had that many tears in me.

Thanks for listening. I think that telling my story has helped. I will let everyone know what the doctor tells me on Friday.

[Kristen]

mcurfman - I'm so sorry for the loss of your baby and for the loss of your dad. No one should have to go through both of those things so closely together. I hope that you find the comfort and support you need here on this board.

Hugs, Kristen

[bdodge]

I also wanted to say how sorry I am regarding these 2 losses so close together. I buried my dad very unexpectedly in August. When we lost this baby, I was comforted that he would be with my dad in heaven. The heartache is very heavy; I'll be praying for you.

Barbara

[nettie26]

My husband and I ttc for over a year and finally got a positive pg test in August/95. I was so excited, having a baby was all I ever had wanted. I told everyone. At around 5 weeks I started spotting and went to my F Dr, who sent me immeditately to an OB/GYN. They did an U/S but then told me they wanted another blood test and sent me home. My levels kept increasing so the dr ordered another U/S. I drank my 60oz of water and had the u/s done and then was asked to wait around for the results. The dr cld and std the pg wasn't normal and I had surgery scheduled the next day. I was under the knife for about 5 hours because they did not know where the pg was. They finally found it in my left tube. My Ob std my tubes looked great and that he didn't know why I had a tubal pg. He std I needed to wait 6 months before trying again.

I got pg the first shot after my six months. My pg was not easy but ending up having a c section and had a beautiful baby girl. We decided to wait about 4 years before trying again. So in June 2000 I got pg and delivered another beautiful girl in March 01. In my heart I have always wanted a baby boy and was not ready to give up. My husband even had a vasectomy schedule and a few days before hand I had him cancel.

I just recently moved to Colorado in July 06 where we bought a new home. About 3 months ago we talked and I informed him I wanted to try for another baby in the hopes of getting a boy. On the third month we were successfull. I was so excited again but cautious with everything I went through. I was exactly 4 weeks pg when I did a hpt but later that day I had a very watery brown discharge and then it didn't happen again. After calling the maternal fetal dr that I was referred to they std I wasn't high risk enough for their practice and they referred me to someone else. The following week on T I saw the midwife and she did an urine test and internal exam. She std I wasn't pg and I told her I know my own body and that I was. She ordered the blood test stat and cld me 2 hours later and std yes I was. She wanted to have another blood test done on TH to make sure my levels were increasing, which they did. They std they could not order an u/s yet b/c it was too early. On sunday at 5w/2d I started to spot, which I did not with my normal pg. I cld my dr and some other dr on call cld me back and std I was only 5 weeks and shouldn't worry. The spotting continued and I cld my dr the next day and she ordered a high tech u/s at the hospital. After the u/s I was sent back to the dr and she said they could not find a sac. She then did another blood test and my levels were increasing as normal. They wanted to do another u/s in one week. At 6w/3d I found myself at the hospital again doing another u/s and the radiologist std I need to wait for the results. The radiologist dr cld me back and I started crying immeditiatly. She knew I knew that it was another ectopic pg. This time in my right tube. I was sent directly to surgery, where i questioned can't they treat it with methotextrate instead of surgery. Low and behold the dr that come in was the dr that I spoke to a week ago on sunday who discounted my belief of what was happening. He std he would not treat me with medication only surgery. I had no other choice, I was afraid if I waited my tube might rupture and then ruin my chances of trying to have another baby. He told me I was damaged and that we should just take everything out, even before he went inside to assess the damage. I informed him I wanted my tube saved if at all possible. The next day my dr came in to check on me and I was telling her what had happened and what was said from the other dr and she std the reason they could not treat me with methotextrate was b/c they saw the h/b on the u/s. I felt even more devastated.

I want another baby so bad. I can't figure out what is wrong with my body and why these things happen. I have read all of your stories and mine does not even come close to those that have lost later in pg. I feel sorry for all that have losted, I am just feeling a little depressed right now, it has only been 6 days since my loss. I feels good to tell my story and I pray to God that he will bless me with another child. Thanks to all for the support I have received so far and I hope to get pg again at 6 months.

http://tac.families.com/cb/165035.png (http://counters.families.com)
Nettie

[photogrl]

Hi, I've just found the APA over the last few weeks. I wish I would have known about you wonderful ladies sooner! Here's my story, I'll try to keep it short:

DH and I married in May of '02. We waited a year to start trying and on the 1st month we were blessed with a BFP in May of '03. My mother was fighting ovarian cancer @ the time, and I was so excited to tell her she was going to have a grandbaby! Overall, my preg was pretty textbook. I had a baby shower on 12/14/03 with family at my mom's house and she lost her fight with OVCA on 12/18/03. I was 7 mo. along and scared to death that my grieving would hurt the baby. All of my fears went unrealized, and I had a beautiful baby girl on March 7, 2004 by emergency c.

Everything was going well and DH and I decided that we wanted time TTC so that the next baby would be about 2 years apart. I don't know how I didn't notice, but by Aug. '05 I realized AF had not visited since before DD. So we saw the OB, who forced a cycle and we started Clomid. In Jan '06, I got a BFP...we were exicited, figured we tell family @ DD's 2nd bday party. The week before Valentine's day we had U/S, they had a hard time finding a HB, but eventually did. That weekend I started spotting. By Monday afternoon I was in the hospital waiting for a D&C. I never expected to feel so empty afterwards. But DH and I got thru it and just focused on DD.

After 2 cycles, in May '06 we got the okay from OB to start TTC again. AF was late Sept and I took a HPT it was negative. A week later I got what I thought was AF. Two weeks later I awaken in the middle of the night with the worst abdomonial pain on my left side. I go to the ER to a) find out I'm pregnant, b) find out its ectopic, and c) have emergency surgery because the tube has ruptured. I wake up shocked, scared, and angry. I lost my left tube, I lost my baby, but at least I'm still here to take care of DD.

So after all this rambling that's my story...I hope it wasn't too long or detailed. DH and I are again TTC, perhaps April will be our month.

[Kristen]

I'm so very sorry for your loss. You have gone through so much. I hope that things turn around and you have a perfectly healthy pregnancy in the months to come.

Hugs, Kristen

[DivaMommy13]

hmm where to start. My fiance and i met in High School. we have 2 beautiful boys together. My oldest who is 7 , then i got pg again when he was 1, I lost my daughter Lily at 18 weeks and 2 days. We were Lucky enough to concieve again soon after and have my 4 yr old. He was such a DIFFICULT pregnancy!!! I had complete previa, was on bedrest at 6 mos and he was born at 35 weeks. After fighting with his pediatrician tellin ghim that something was wrong with him.. oh and he explained it away as 2nd children are different. A momma knows her kids! i switched doctors and told the new one everything that has been going on and he has since been diagnosed with a high functioning form of Autism. Which is in its own way is a godsend bc now he is soo much better and is getting the therapies he needs. Last Fall i was PG again and lost the baby at 6 weeks 2 days 12/28/06. I got another positive test at the end of March and we were SO excited! This was gonna be our christmas baby! After bleeding on sat i went to the ER and have had 2 HCG count tests which are not rising at all with cramps and spotting.I had a 3rd one today and I'm hoping for the best but I have at this point basically accepted that this is just happening again. Motherhood is such a wonderful oppurtunity, its times like these i really cherish the double blessing that has been bestowed on me already. Although I do have a yearning for another one even more now then before but I have faith that it will happen when it is meant to. I am so glad i found these boards, Thank you Lisah! i wish i could have found them earlier :) Nice to meet you all

[Kristen]

Diva - I'm very sorry for your losses. I hope that things take a turn for the better with this pregnancy.

Hugs, Kristen

[lisah]

joce(diva) you are so welcome!! these women on this board have been a godsend for me like i know they will be for you!!! i hope ya love it here as much as i do ( even though i dont post too often!) love ya girlie!!

[stash]

Bump.

[Crunchymomto3]

It's heartbreaking to read all of your stories, yet it gives me strength for what I am about to go thru.

I am blessed with 3 beautiful healthy children. They are young, all a year apart. We really weren't planning on any more children, so I got an IUD as it seemed to be the best form of birth control available for us.

I realized late last week that AF was late. I took a HPT yesterday and was shocked, but not suprised, when it was positive. Because of the IUD I immediately called my OB who schedlued me for an appt. today. I had an ultrasound and it was discovered that I have an ectopic pregnancy in my left tube. I will be having a chemically induced miscarriage on Friday. Once I receive the shot, the miscarriage can occur anywhere from 1-4 weeks later. Waiting is going to be the hardest part. Just knowing that I am carrying a child that I won't carry to term is breaking my heart. But I have to be strong for my trio.

I did have a miscarriage in 2003, but it was very early. I had only tested positive 3 days before I miscarried. Had I not tested, I probably would never even have realized that I was pregnant and thought it was just a late, heavy period.

Hugs to all of you for your losses.

[poohbearkrazy]

Bump

[purple_stars_16]

Im new to this Forum but I also benn a member on here for a few weeks. I usaully stay in the teen parenting section because i came on when i thought i was a few weeks ago. I wasnt but Im here to share my m/c that will be a year ago August 25 2007.

some have heard about it but im finally ok to totally share the full story and my feelings. i still remember the day easly and it still hurts but ive gotten over the main part now.

Little over a year ago when i was only 15 my mom found out i wasnt a virgin. when it came out i was dating a guy that was 17 turning 18 in december. she tryied to get me to break up with him and to keep me away from him as much as possible but i wouldnt let it happen.

to get her to calm down some i made a appointment at planned parenthood in my area to go on depo and get checked and all. i had her go with me and started depo and everything but things didnt really change between me and my mom. my bf at the time wanted to see me really badly and i wanted to see him so i some how talked my mom to let me see him.

well i ended up over at his house for a weekend and i wasnt sure about having sex with him because i had only been on the depo for 2 weeks and didnt feel that it would fully work but i pushed my feeling away and let everything happen that weekend. the stuff a 15 year old probly shouldnt be doing any ways.

we had sex only twice that weekend and after i went home sunday i was ok with everything that happened until he called me. he lived in a city next to the one i was in so he took the easy way out. he dumped me over the phone basically using me for my body. i was so hurt by everything i felt numb for the next two weeks.

i started doing my extra school stuff aka band camp but not like the movies like everyone jokes about. i spent two weeks doing the activity i loved to do which is tall flags for marching band. i was so happy to be around the people i could easily get along with.

one week after our camp started at our school i realized i was still feeling funny thinking it was from my shot of depo. but i knew in the back of my head it wasnt but let it go and ignored it. well after the second week of camp i strted what i thought was just a normal period for being on depo.

it was very small amounts of spotting and just did what i noraml would do if i was on my period even tho it was spoting. but as the week went on it got a little more but with no cramps. but on friday that week it got really bad.

i started bleeding very heavly and the cramps were so bad that none of the extra strength pain killers around the hosue that we had wouldnt work. i took extremly hot baths all day trying to make some of the pain go away. by 9 that night i was crying and was about to tell my mom something was really wrong and i thought i needed to go to the doctors.

but my mom had already went to bed for the night and i was stuck in my bathroom about 30 feet down the hall and i knew i couldnt move much.. so i put as much hot water in the tub as i could and layed in it crying in a ball. about 30 minutes later i was finally able to move and stop crying to try to do something. but as i tryied to get out of the bath my stomic tightened and i mc. it scared me so bad. i seen everything that separated from the blood and realized what jsut fully happened.

i didnt want to move from where i was. it had been little over a month since the guy i was with had dumped me and there i was mc-ing his baby and mine. i told my mom what happended in the bath room as of the blood and everything but i couldnt let myself tell her exactly that i had mc-ed. ive been ashamed for jsut about a year now that i didnt go to the doctors and everything else so i wouldnt have been alone.i think about thw what ifs of it all alot still. i could be holding a baby right about now but instead im not.

im able to realize now that it wasnt my fault that i mc but it still hurts. the pain he put me threw and the pain i went threw alone. i cant wait until i get out of highschool and college and find the right guy to marry and have kids with. i want to be able to ttc in about 10 years so i can have my family and be able to hold my own baby.

this forum has let me finally tell my whole story and not just the little details of o he dumped me and the i mc . i hope i wasnt to graphic with it but most of you have had simaliar exprences.

thanks for opening this so me and everyone else could let go and tell our stories.

Jenn

[redhdgirl22]

Hi, My name is Kari, Im new here. I lost my baby on September 6, 2007. I am 24 years old.

I cant say that I was hit with a crazy joy stick when I found out I was pregnant. I was happy but fearful. However, I got excited pretty quickly after finding out I was pregnant.

My husband and I had been trying for 4 years to concieve and I had just about given up..when the test came back positive. I was overwhelmed. We just bought a house, a new puppy and OMG Im pregnant.

I knew that I was high risk because I had a stroke at the age of 18, so I called my doctor immediatly. After some testing everything was ok, and I remember feeling Great..I was sooo happy! However, my first sono came back with terrible results. There was no baby..but my doctor said that I should come back in a week and have another sono. He said not to worry and I would be fine.

Well I went back in week and my gut knew something was wrong. The doctor suggested that I have a D&C. I cannot put into words what it felt like...Im sure you all know.

So a week ago tomarrow I lost my first baby. Im still really sad, depressed, angry, confused, greatful and a hole host of other feelings.

I go back and forth with thinking we'll try again after 6 weeks and never trying again. I cant wait to be off this emotional rollercoaster. I suppose I'll go/do whatever/whereever god leads me.

So, am I happy about being here, typing this..NO! Probably no one is. However, I am so Greatful that I found this...so greatful Im not alone and beyond greatful that I have a place to come to be...well...me.

[sarahjill]

I'm so sorry for your loss. Hugs.

[missmc]

I'm 28 and found out I was pregnant for the first time on Aug 28. My DH and I were so excited that we did it on our first try! We told our families and closest friends.

I went in for my 1st u/s at 7 wks and found out I was earlier than they thought. We figured that it was about right, given my unusual cycle and didn't really worry about anything.

The next week I went in for my 2nd u/s at 8 wks. We were able to see the fetal pole but they had a hard time finding the heartbeat. My dr was finally able to find it but it was a low 98 bps. He also told me that I had enlarged yolk sac and that things did not look good.

I went in for my 3rd u/s the next week at 9 wks. The baby had grown but was measuring small. The fhr had also dropped to 86 bps. We were able to see the little heart beating away but could tell that the heart had an irregular rhythm.

That day I started spotting and went home from work early bc I was having bad cramping. I called my dr the next morning and they got me in right away. On Sept. 26 another u/s showed that the baby's heart had stopped. I was 9 wks, 2days.

My doctor gave me the option to go home and let things happen naturally or I could have a D&C the next morning. I had been on such a roller coaster the entire time that I decided to have the D&C the next morning so it could be over and I could start over again. And I was in a lot of pain that he told me would be over if I had the D&C.

It's been only three days since I found out that my lil pea went to heaven. I was fine when I had someone here with me, but yesterday I was home alone and it was one of the worst days. Not to mention that I received a congratulations card in the mail - that did not make things any better (although I knew this person had NO clue).

I've had the support of family and friends and I think the person who has helped the most was my sister. She has been through this before and knows that the best way to help me is just to be there. She knows that no words can help, only time.

It helps to get all of this written down, although it doesn't make it any easier at this point. I'm thankful that my DH has been extremely supportive and has been my rock.

[Kellyr]

I am very blessed to have two heathy boys, Brendon is 3 and Ty is almost 2. They truely are the light of my life!

DH and I have decided we would like to have another child and began TTC in January of '07. I got pg the first try and m/c a week later. My Dr. told me after my blood test that my levels did drop like they should but my progesterone was pretty low.

So, in July of '07 I decided that I was ready to try again and got pg. My Dr. sent me in to get my hcg tested every other day. My levels never incresed, on the second test they dropped slightly and my Dr. told me that I would in fact have a m/c. I found that so hard to believe because I wasn't cramping or spotting at all. I did start to m/c 2 days later. That was the hardest part, waiting for it to happen. The first time around was scary, not knowing if I was losing the baby, but the second time knowing it was going to happen was so hard.

Now I feel I am ready to try again, part of me wants to try again and part doesn't. My Dr. is one that doesn't test until after 3 so if it happens again I will get some answers hopefully. He has faith it will 'happen' since I have two very uneventful pregnancies. But after much research, I know that that isn't always the case.

Here is the best of luck to all of us TTC'ers out there!

[learningasigo]

Its so sad to think about all of the families who have faced this. Each has touched my heart deeply.

I experienced a miscarriage the day after Thanksgiving, 2006. I only knew I was pregnant a few days before it was over. I guess God had other plans since the baby would have been due the month after my husband and I got married. I suppose it would actually be a chemical pregnancy since I never even made it to the doctor.

For that short time I was blessed. Doubly, since I have only one ovary from cancer and I wasn't even sure I could become pregnant.

So, I think of our baby as a messenger in my life. I call him/her Ariel.

Ariel means "God's Lion".... better strong in heaven than weak on earth.

[DucksLikeRain]

We'll see if I'm ready to share my story. It's so fresh that most on here already know it. But here goes...

I have two daughters that are 4 days less than a year apart. Born in May 2005 and 2006. We were not sure on having more kids, but definitely not until 2009 at the earliest. We were using condoms as well as NFP to prevent. About 4 days before Fathers' Day this year I tested positive. I was stunned. And not happy, at all. I was very nervous about how John would react-his first thought is always to money. It was very important to me that I tell him about this baby in a way that would allow for no room for negativity. So I finally devised a way and was going to wait for Fathers' Day, but just couldn't. I told him that Friday and he just was all grins and so excited-just sure we'd have a boy this time.

I'm high risk due to a previous preterm labor and birth. So this pregnancy involved ultrasounds of my cervix every other week which meant traveling more than hour each way for those appointments, and struggling to schedule the appointments around my mom's schedule so I wouldn't have to take the girls. It was stressful, and while I was so relieved that John was happy, I still didn't feel excited. I have a number of contraction/cramping/bleeding scares early on, but then things seemed to level off as I approached 18 weeks, or so. We had found out at 15ish weeks that it was a girl, and so there was that quasi-dissapointment to deal with. I so very much had wanted a boy from the time I was pregnant with Keira on. But I was slowly becoming ok with having another baby, and another baby girl, at that.

At 22ish weeks I had some major huge gushes of bright red blood. I was hospitalized for 36 hours for monitoring, and then sent home. It's horrible, but with every new scare with this pregnancy this stupid little part of me reacted in a "what if I don't get checked out? It'd be ok if things didn't work-I didn't really want this baby anyhow" sort of way. It was just a tiny part of me. But a part that I feel so utterly guilty about now, and probably will for the rest of my life. I'll wonder "what if I'd really truly wanted her? Would that have changed things?" Irrational, I know. But it is what it is.

I had another couple bright red gushes as I was finishing my 22nd week, and again was hospitalized. My cervix was short, but not drastically. I was dilated to 1/1.5ish but the doctors argued about if I was truly dilating or if it was just me sitting more loose/open due to the two babies I'd had so recently. I had yet another Level II ultrasound on Monday, October 22. WAs sent home on modified bedrest with appointments set up 1x a week for the next 3 weeks, with the next being October 30.

At 3am Saturday October 27, 2007 my water broke. And I mean broke. No leakage-gush after gush after gush. I was so scared and just sat on the floor waiting for that first post-water-breaking contraction. The really painful one. It never came. I was 23w4d when this happened-too early for a baby to have much of a chance to make it. We got to L&D, knowing we'd be transferred up to the hospital my perinatologists work out of. But first they did an u/s and discovered absolutely no fluid around baby Taela. The nurses tried to reassure us by saying that it was common to be put on hospital bedrest and be able to keep baby in for at least a week-maybe buying all the time we needed. I rode in the ambulance up north and got all checked in. No contractions. Taela was head down, which the doctors and nurses were all happy with. It meant I was ready for delivery when the time came, and also the hope was that her head would help keep the cervix blocked off so infection couldn't set in as easy. 4 days later in another ultrasound it was discovered that she'd flipped breach and was sitting on top of my cervix. This became more of a concern-it caused the need for a c-section when the time came. I had reached 24 weeks which was the point which we had chosen for all possible medical interventions to be done to save our baby. The next day she eventually put her left foot all the way down through my cervix and into my vagina. I was taken for an immediate emergency section and put under general anesthesia.

Taela was born November 1, 2007 weighing 1lb 4oz and was 12.25 inches long. And she did wonderful. She didn't need ANY help breathing for 7 days. She did it all on her own. She was hooked up to all kinds of monitors, iv's, tubes, etc. But breathing is the largest hurdle at that age and she did great. Then on day 8 she needed some oxygen blown through for her to keep her blood levels up. But it was still a great day in the life of a 24weeker. And then Day 9 went downhill hard and fast. I got the call at 3:30am that she'd had a bad night and they were going to intubate, just so she could rest her little muscles and not have to do the breathing on her own. It was to be expected for her to be intubated, so while I was so upset, I wasn't too worried. I mean, the first 4 days or so are the ones where you wait for baby to crash. She was over a week old, and had been amazing. I was finally able to think about the next 4ish months in there, and how I'd handle my girls at home and my girl in the NICU. I was ready to be in this for the long haul. And then at 8am I talked to the doctor and she said Taelas was having a real hard day. We talked about a few things, but nothing really sticking out as bad. She did want to make sure we were coming up, at least later in the afternoon. I couldn't tell if it was for her knowledge or her gentle way of saying "you NEED to come up here." And then 3.5 hours later I got a call from a nurse telling us if we could get up there, we needed to get there ASAP. My grandpa came to watch the girls and my parents headed up to meet us at the hospital. That was a horrible drive. Not know what was going on, if she'd still be alive when we got there.

We got there and found that immediately after that phone call she'd coded and they'd had to do CPR and push an epi to get her heart going again. She had been on 100% oxygen at 8am but by the time we were there she was down to 80, and then 1/2 later only needed less than 50. Her breathing had stabilized. But an echo of her heart was disturbing. Her cardiologist was amazed it was the same heart he'd seen 3 days earlier. It was so tiny and deteriorated. Her blood had become very acidic and was literally eating away at her heart. Eventually it was found that all of her major organs were shutting down. The levels of enzymes in her blood for her liver and kidneys were #'s that would be concerning/critical in an ADULT's body. There was no real choice for us, other than WHEN to let her go. The medicine they were giving her would keep her heart going, but they had to re-administer every 20 minutes or so. And IF she pulled through, it was basically guaranteed that she'd be on life support her entire life and literally have no awareness about her.

At about 1pm I held my baby for the very first and last time ever. She passed at about 1:30pm-nearly exactly 9 days after she was born.

It has been 5 days since she passed and each day has only gotten harder. I don't know when they'll start to look up, but I have been told they will. We had her funeral and interment yesterday and that was so difficult for me. I did not think I'd make it through it-I avoid funerals when at all possible. Some ladies from APA sent flowers, and Jenn (DIVADLX) and her little family came down from Seattle for the services. I am so thankful for the support that I know I have here on this site-even if it takes me a little while to be able to actively tap back into it.

[NSenadenos]

Oh Tiff,

I hate to see any of our ladies on this side of the boards, particularly the ones that have been on long enough that I feel like I "know" them. I must have read Taela's story a dozen times now, and still end up bawling before I get to the end.

Sending you and your family prayers and hugs. I can only hope that the days will start to get easier for you and you will have some peace...

[sarahjill]

I'm so sorry again. I can't imagine what you're going through. Losing a child is horrible. We're here if you need us. Big hugs.

[xaive]

well its my turn i guess. we just found out today that our little bean has no heartbeat. : ( it was our first apt today too. we were supposed to be 9 wks3ish days but the bean made it to 8 weeks. the process has not started yet, but i'm sure it will. i'm just glad i was able to tell the nurse my HCG levels and how they wer not good ( i work in a hospital i test them myself) and thankfully she agreed to an u/s. i'm just glad we didn't find out another 4 weeks from now. it sucks that i am now joining this crowed and out of the JUNE month. oh well, i hope my stay here is short! we will try again as soon as we can. : )

[TNteacher]

xaive-

The very same thing happened to me 2 weeks ago.

PM me if you want to talk. (((HUGS)))

[LaurieH]

(basically a repeat of my earlier post)
Well, I finally had my first OB appointment on Monday and found out the baby died at 8 weeks (two weeks before the appointment). I really do not like the office I went too, not just because I got bad news but the way the handle their exams. I had my general exam and the midwife went to check for a heartbeat and did not hear one (she said she thought she heard on in the background). I know this was not right if I was 10 weeks. So they send me to a whole new building to have an u/s (or else I could come back in 2 weeks to check the heartbeat again, are you kidding me). DH, Reese and I went over to get an u/s from a tech who could not tell me anything, but since the screen was facing in my direction (I was alone) I could tell the baby was probably not alive. I had to go back to the first building and wait to see the midwife again to tell me the bad news. I think we were there for almost 2-3 hours. I think I know when I m/c I posted that I woke up one morning with none of the symptoms I had the previous days and this worried me, well that seems to have been around he day the baby stopped developing.

I am planning to get pregnant again ASAP (within reason). I have already scoped out a doctors office which looks better than the last place, not that the medical care had anything to do with the m/c but a lot to do with my feelings afterward.

I have always wanted Reese to have a sibling and I do not want to be too much older when I deliver. Until then I am going to focus my time raising my wonderful daughter and losing some weight.

[mommyalo32]

Sorry, this will be long, but I like to get every detail out...

My DH and I married on September 1st, 2006. Before we got married, back in February of 06, I quit taking my depo shots. My cycles were so screwed up, I would have anywhere from a 30-90 day cycle. I vowed I would never go on depo again! Anyway, my last period was May 4th 07 - May 11th 07, and then on around June 22nd I started feeling weird. First it was lightheaded and dizziness, so I took a HPT, and it was negative. The next week I also started having some cramping, so I figured okay, my period is starting soon. Well, the week after that, I started getting headaches, and still hadn't gotten my period, so I took another HPT, and it was negative. I was having so many symptoms, but wasn't pregnant. I was so scared something was wrong with me, so I scheduled an appt with my family doctor, and on July 10th, I found out that I was pregnant.

Because my cycles were so screwed up, none of us knew how far along I was, so I had an u/s on July 25th, and it showed that I was 6 weeks and 2 days along. I was so excited, but secretly wishing that I was further along! Everything looked great. We heard the heartbeat, and saw it on the screen also. We were so excited! We told everyone! I had another u/s on August 27th, showing I was 11 weeks along and things were going great. I had another appt on September 25th, and they found the heartbeat with the doppler, and it sounded good. My next appt was scheduled for October 24th, and that was the day that we would find out what we were having. We were sooo excited! We're almost halfway there!

On October 11th, I had the 2nd part of my genetic testing.

On the 15th of October, I realized that I hadn't seen my cat for a few days, and was getting worried (She got outside and wandered off, which was normal for her, she loved it outside!). I was sitting in the livingroom, and all of a sudden I heard a meowing, and I knew it was her and was so excited! I looked out the window, and I screamed with terror. Her face was all tore up, and it looked like parts of it were barely hanging by a thread. She had obviously been attacked by something. I was freaking out. She was my baby, I had gotten her when she was 5 weeks old. I made my husband handle it. I told him I wanted to see my girl, but he wouldn't let me because it was too bad. She ended up having to be put to sleep on that day. I cried all day. I was so sad that I had lost my fur-baby. I had been noticing some cramping earlier in the day, but I just thought it was stress. It came and went, so I didn't think much of it.

That next day, the doctor called me and told me that my genetic testing came back VERY abnormal, and the results were off the wall, nothing he had ever seen before. So now I was starting to get worried. What is wrong with my baby? I'm 18 weeks along, almost halfway there, and now there is something wrong? A million things ran through my head. Will I be able to take care of the baby if there is something majorly wrong with it? Can I handle that? What would I do?...The cramping just got worse.

Finally, wednesday, I called the OB and told them I was having bad cramping, but no bleeding, so they got me in the next day. On the 18th of October, I was getting ready for my appointment, and my cramps were so bad, I could barely take it. I urged my husband to take the day off and go with me, because I knew in my own mind and heart, that I wouldn't be returning home from this appointment. I knew something was majorly wrong. So he went with me.

I got into the office, and they tried to find the heartbeat with the doppler. Couldn't find it, but they always had a hard time finding it before (Probably because I am overweight), but I still knew something wasn't right. I asked my DH, doesn't that worry you that they couldn't find the heartbeat? And he said No, I'm sure everything's fine. He had no idea what was going through my mind at that moment.

So they got me into the ultrasound room, and started doing the ultrasound. I was watching the screen, and I saw no blue and red movement where the heart should be. I was worried...I laid there, and when she finally got done, I said in a shaky voice, "Is everything okay?" She just looked at me and shook her head. I started bawling. The doctor came in and told me that the baby was gone. And it looked like it had died at least a week before. I was devastated. They also told me that the cramping I was having was actually contractions, and I was already going into labor, and was 3cm dilated. To me, contractions just feel like my normal period cramps that I get monthly. The ones that have me taking 800mgs of Motrin every 4 hours just to take the edge off so I'm not bawling my eyes out. They gave me the option of waiting at home, or going straight to the hospital. I said I just want to get this done and over with ASAP! So I went directly to the hospital, where they admitted me. I was already dilated, so they gave me an epidural for the horrible contractions and a few hours later, our daughter was born into heaven.

At first, I didn't even want to see her. I didn't want anything to do with it. But they told me they would take pictures, so if I wanted them later, I could have them. My mom and mother-in-law went in to see the baby. Later, after I wasn't in so much pain, I realized that I needed to see and hold my baby. DH and I sat there for a good hour, holding her, and crying. It was horrible. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to go through!

The hospital gave us the option of getting her cremated for free, since she wasn't far enough along to be considered a stillbirth. So we had that done. I miss her so very much, and I am so sad that I had to lose our first child. But I am soooo thankful for what she has done for us. She made us parents. Even though we don't have a living child, we are still considered a mother and father, and that means the world to us. Also, going through what happened has brought DH and I closer together than we've ever been. So that is a major plus! That must be why things happened the way they did.

Anyway, I just found out on February 27th, 2008, that I am pregnant again! Everything is looking good so far, but of course, my anxiety isn't going to ease up until I get past those 18 weeks. And It probably won't ease up all of the way until I have a healthy living child in my arms. I don't know what I'd do if I lost again. But I'm trying not to think about that! This pregnancy will be a success, and we will have a new baby in November!

Sorry this was so long!!

[Jillybean]

My addy will not be that familiar as I was more anavid reader than poster in the June Due dates forum.
I was 40 and married 17 years when we concieved our dear Samuel after two years of working out pregnancy and labor fears.

We concieved on our very first try and thought it a small miracle that his due date would be on my deceased Mothers birthday of June 24. We were happy to see his forst heartbeat at 8 weeks and at 9 it was if Samuel told us his name as it wasthe one that pooped into my head out of the blue. We never loooked at another name.

At 16 weeks I bled heavily because of my placenta had moved to cover my cervix. I'm told that at 18 weeks they dont call it a complete previa, but thats what it looked like to me.

After weeks of modified bedrest and light duty the placentea had moved to a marginal previa by week 20. His anatomy ultrasounds were going well with the exception of a very slight rotation of his heart. By the third check it was normal.

As I was approaching week 26 , I had not felt much movement at all, I thought maybe he had just changed to a different psitionwhere I could not feel him anymore. I had been watched so closely since the start of this preganancy that I thought it was more worry over nothing. What I had mistook for increased discharge had been old amniotic fluid.
I have a DES cervix, so my discharge was never anything that looked normal anyway.
I am ashmed that I didnt know that something was wrong......

So I went to the DRs for a heartbeat check and they found none...the US confirmed that he had died. The Office sent someone with me to hold my hnd thru it all until my husband got there.

So on March Tues, March 18th I was induced for labor at the birthing center. By early Wed. Morning they stopped usuing the vaginal suppositories and switched to the drug that begins with P because it wasnt progressing much.
After a naturual childbirth Samuel was born at 1:30 pm at 1lb 8 1/2 ounces 13 1/2 inches long.
We held him, kissed him and kept him with us a bit while family visited and said thier goodbyes.

I was released Friday the 21st as I had hemmoraged and needed the extra blood and rest.

So now I am home, with a box of Samuels bracelets and clothes and a blanket that were made for him.
I have no baby to hold, and two pictures that would be very hard for others to look at that I cannot share. We are devasted if there is a word that can descibe it all.
We are waiting for Samuels ashes to come back and his autopsy report.

We will always remember him and now pray we can try for another soon.


Jil

[cherri_blossom]

Hi ladies. I just found this board and while I am sorry any of us need to be here I am glad this board is here.
We found out on 3/5 that our son Tristan did not have a heart beat. My Dr. started to induce me that night and on 3/6 Tristan was born. He was 5 pds 4 oz. We learned after he was born that his cord was unusually long and that it was twisted and developed a kink in it. The pregnancy had gone great up to that point, no problems or complications. 35 weeks isn't a very long time and it is by no means enough time but I am glad I got to have him and feel his kicks for that time at least.

[kenzie]

Jillybean and cherri blossom - I am so sorry about the loss of your precious angels.

[Jillybean]

Hi Cheri,

I'm so sorry...yes, its nice to have this board.
I have been to another that is for MC/ stillborn/infant/child loss and it is very hard to read there. Its a nice place to post about our feelings and our lost child but I think thisboard offers more in the sense of hope and moving forward because there are forums for TTC after loss and Expecting after loss.
I hope you find gentler days ahead.

Kenzie...thank you.........

[xtrememousey]

I haven't really talked about it since it happened but here's the story. My DH and I got married in July '04. About a month later a good friend of mine had her baby. After the first time we babysat, we started talking about it and at the end of the month (oct '04) we were at the store to get my BCP and he just looked at me and said...."don't worry about, let's just go home" so Nov'04 was when we started TTC. fast forward 12 months and a diagnosis of PCOS later i started the drug cocktail of metformin, prevera, and clomid. In April '06 i decided to see what would happen if I just stopped for a month. No drugs all of April because i had a DR's appointment on the 28th. Took a test there and it was neg, so she put me back on the drugs. I took the provera and nothing happened. I got no AF no nothing except really sore boobs (lol). I took an HPT on May 10th and it was a BFP. I was in shock....I couldn't believe it....so over the next 2 days i took 5 more tests....all BFP....and it was mother's day weekend....so we told his family, mine would have to wait until father's day because i want to tell them in person and we were going to Chicago to visit and would be there on father's day. Went to the dr to get a blood test that monday and it was confirmed that i was between 3 and 4 weeks, easily missed at like 1 week at the dr's on the 28th of April.

We were ecstatic to say the very least.....and then at work that next saturday i started spotting. My store manager took me to the ER. I knew then it was over.....but the ER dr kept saying that my cervix was still closed so i might not be miscarrying. The other thought was that I was on clomid so I could be miscarrying one of a set of twins. They sent me home and said that if the spotting got worse or I passed any clots I should come back. So we came home and I was physically in a lot of pain. The next morning I passed 2 fairly large clots in the shower and DH took me back to the ER. They did an ultrasound to see if it was multiples and i lost just one but that was not the case. They had started talking about a D&C but I was already passing the baby well, so we decided to just let it happen naturally.

My vacation was emotional he!! and I never did tell my parents. I think about it all the time and am almost terrified of seeing a BFP because I don't know if this will happen again. My world did a 360+ in 11 days and I just don't know how I would handle that again.

You ladies help keep me strong and I cried at every story.
leyla





so i wish the story got better from here. it doesn't and i'm still ttc'ing. 40 months 3 losses under my belt now. the 2nd one was and will be the hardest because i saw that little heart beating at the first ultrasound. i wish there was a way to stop the hurting but there isn't.....so here goes:


in june 07 on vacation we concieved for the 2nd time which was awesome and i was terrified (ecstatic but terrified nonetheless). 8-13 i went in for a 8 week u/s and we saw the heartbeat of our precious lil one. on 8-27 that beautiful flicker was gone. on the 30th i had a d&c.....

post d&c because of the pcos my dr. made me wait the full 8 weeks before she would put me back on the drug cocktail that i need to make my body work right. i got AF 12-7-07 (day of dh's work christmas party) and was pretty devastated. but i got the witch without provera so i was ok with that. then surprise surprise......on 1-7-08 i tested on a whim and got a bfp......which i subsequently started bleeding out on 1-14-08.....

so 3 years......3 losses.....and i'm still fighting for what i know i WILL eventually have.....my babies......my family......

[Mommy25]

I've been lurking for the past couple of weeks trying to get information to try and understand what's going on with both my body and mind right now. Here is our story:

Let me begin by saying that my hubby and I are high school sweet hearts ... started dating when I was 16 and he was 15. We had a tough time dating due to his parents not approving of my interracial (white and hispanic) heritage. We were married 2 years after I graduated high school and our first DD came one year and 4 days later. Then our DS came in June 97 and soon after we had some problems and my DH left for 2.5 years. During that time I clung to Christ and our marriage was completely restored. In June '02 I had a LEEP surgery performed due to HPV cells on my cervix and was told it would be hard for me to conceive. In March '03 we got pregnant with DD #2 without trying. Then, right after I quit nursing her I got pregnant with DD#3, again without trying. And, the biggest surprise was the last pregnancy which we were delighted to find out about in January '08. I had been charting and for the first time in my life must have ovulated early because I did not understand how it had happened ... I had never charted wrong before (I charted with first two ... nothing with baby #3 and was on the bcp with baby #4). The following is how we discovered that our baby went to Jesus.

When I left for the doctor on Thursday morning, March 27, I simply put on our MySpace that we were "praying all went well." Why? Because I had an awful feeling something was wrong. So, as I try to get through this (and I’m "writing my feelings down" in hopes of trying to work through my own grieving process) ... I’ll explain the events of the day.

My doctor’s appointment was at 11:30am, and I went with the hope that the doctor would relinquish my fears and that I could continue on with this pregnancy with a new sense of relief. My fears began on Thursday, March 13 when I went to bed. I laid down and instantly felt really sick. I sat up, ran to the bathroom, came back to lay down, and spent the rest of the night up holding my stomach. I have never, in all 4 of the other pregnancies, felt this kind of nausea. My body felt warm and it was just "not right" to me. The next day I got online looking for "miscarriage" symptoms, but none listed extreme nausea as a sign ... so I tried to dismiss my worries. The nausea would repeat itself at various times over the next week or so. I also noticed that I wasn’t showing as much as when I was pregnant with the little princesses ... but dismissed that to the "wishful thinking" that I was carrying a boy. Other than that, everything was normal.

So, when I got to the doctor that Thursday, the first thing he did was feel for the uterus to check for growth. I asked him if it was growing and he said it felt as it should, and I simply told him I was relieved to hear that at least because I didn’t feel as though I was growing as with the last two. Next, he got out the doppler and began searching for a fetal heartbeat ... all he found was mine. He kept moving the doppler around, feeling the uterus, changing directions, pushing harder, anything to find the baby’s heartbeat ... but he found nothing. As I laid there, I knew in my heart that my worst fear was about to be confirmed. I prayed as I laid there waiting for him to bring in the sonogram machine ... "please, God, let there be a heartbeat". Tears streamed down my face as soon as I saw the first sonogram image ... I’ve had enough sonograms to know what they should look like ... and it was painfully obvious that there was no apparent heart beating in the baby’s chest. The picture of my baby laying there motionless is forever burned into my memory. Everytime I close my eyes I can still see it as though it were right in front of me.
The doctor began measuring the baby, without saying a word. I watched and noticed the measurements were putting the baby two weeks behind where we were in the pregnancy. The baby stopped growing two weeks ago ... around the same time the nausea began. Finally, the doctor spoke, "We have a problem." I simply said, "I know, there’s no heartbeat." He pushed around on my stomach to try and stimulate the baby, but there was still no movement, no heartbeat. He tried repeatedly to find some small glimmer of hope within the chest cavity, but I knew it wasn’t there. As I sat up in tears, he simply hugged me and tried to console me ... and my poor Jaden, the only one I had with me, had no idea how to comprehend what had just taken place in front of her. I called her over and held her tight as the doctor explained the next steps to me. I could either experience the miscarriage "naturally" (which I am praying doesn’t happen because I don’t think I could handle it right now) or I could have a D&C.

Every mother has a birth plan as she prepares for her child’s welcome into this world. The options are endless really, as long as mom and the baby are safe with the decisions. But, as we entered the hospital on Wednesday, April 2, it was nothing like what I had planned for our baby’s birth in September. I was escorted to a room where I was given my IV and asked to wait. My DH and I watched TV quietly as we waited for the next hour and a half. We talked only a moment as I cried about the upcoming procedure. I knew that in a few hours my baby would no longer be dwelling within me. I’d no longer be "connected" to my baby ... and the reality of the situation was setting in.

Around 12:30pm they came in to check all my vital signs and get me ready to go to the operating room. My nurse came in with the anesthesiologist and told DH that the Dr would come talk to him soon ... it shouldn’t take long. I was given a dose of medicine through my IV and they wheeled me down the halls. Twisting and turning I can remember looking at the lights and noticing them getting blurry as we progressed through the winding corridors. We entered into the OR and I remember seeing another nurse preparing the tools and such. I was wheeled in and my arms were outstretched onto two boards and I lay there as Jesus hung crucified on the cross for me. They put a mask on me and told me to take a deep breath ... and I awoke two hours later in the recovery room.
I remember opening my eyes to an oxygen mask and a nurse saying my name. I looked around to find a clock and see the time. I couldn’t believe I had been out for two hours. I had absolutely no recollection of anything in the operating room. Once I was finally able to see DH again I cried knowing my baby was really gone at this point … I would be leaving the hospital with only pain and medicines. It seemed very surreal. It still does. I am still in a bit of shock from the whole ordeal ... but I realize I must go on and live for the 4 awesome children I can hold everyday. God has blessed me with an amazing family.

The past three weeks have gone by in slow motion. I can’t eat, sleep, or simply function as a normal person. My days are filled with heartache and tears. I find comfort not only in knowing that God is in control and will care for my baby until we are reunited in heaven, but also in my husband, my kids, and my family. I have no idea how to deal with these emotions and have never felt pain like this in my life. I’ve lost people close to me before, but nothing can relate to the loss of a child. It doesn’t matter to me that I have never held this baby in my arms ... it’s still my baby. I saw it moving around with a normal heartbeat at our first appointment. I’ve seen the baby alive within me.

My DH says that no one else within our home can know the pain I feel since I am the only one that has had the real opportunity to bond with it. It was not yet big enough to be felt or seen from outside my stomach. But, the kids still mourn. Their tears simply bring me more pain. Our youngest is too young to understand, and our 4 year old tells people that our baby had no heartbeat and went home to Jesus. But, she still keeps asking when it’s going to come out. She was SO looking forward to this baby ... more than the other 3. I don’t want to see anyone. I don’t want to talk to anyone. I just want to crawl up in bed and stay there for a while ... surrounded only by my family. I need them to hold me and let me know that it’s going to be ok. At this point, I know I have 4 amazing kids already, but this baby meant no less to me than one of them ... and I have to grieve for it. I needed my mom to hold me and tell me it wasn’t my fault ... I didn’t do anything wrong. I needed her to tell me I had to eat and had to quit starving myself. I needed to hold my dad and cry with him as he shed tears for the grandchild he too would never see on earth.

My emotions are all over the place. I’m confused, sad, filled with guilt, anything but angry. I assured my hubby that I had no anger towards God as I mentioned to him that I could not attend church that following Sunday (3/31). I still pray daily ... asking for comfort, peace, and understanding. I understand that God sometimes takes home those babies that may have a more than challenging life here on earth (the doctor mentioned that there may have been some abnormality in the formation of the baby’s head) and will care for the baby until we arrive. I’ve read a few articles on pregnancy loss and I know myself enough to know that the pain and the sadness will forever be with me ... but I will get through this with God’s help. He has already shown Himself in so many situations in our lives ... I know he’ll be present even more as we walk through this time.

Also, we decided to name our angel "Reagan". We had only tossed around a few names and this was one that our oldest daughter (who has really struggled with the loss) & I liked, and when I looked up the meaning I found that it meant "little king/queen" or "royalty" ... and that’s what our baby is in Heaven.

[lostagain1966]

i am a mom of 4 3 kids are over 18 years and my little boy is almost 2 we have been TTC since last year i finally got pregnant again which endet up in a MC 12 weeks later which was very very painful since i was at home all alone this baby was very wellcomed and we were looking forward 2 having another one but since that fatal MC in july of 2007 it seems like i have nothing but MC`s am i trying 2 hard or am i getting 2 old emotionaly i wanna keep trying but i think my body is refusing everything we don`t have insurance or extra money 2 go tru expensive doctors and such has anyone any natural remedees which could help

[losabia]

Gosh, I hate that any of us have to be here, but at least we can support each other and heal and hope together.

I'm Lisa, 38, married to Ryan, 36, for 7-1/2 wonderful years. We decided to start TTC for the first time at the beginning of 2008. We were hopeful, despite my age, and were surprised and thrilled to get a positive on April 15th after 4 cycles.

We were a little apprehensive not only because of my "advance maternal age," but also because about a week after conception (by our reckoning) I'd been to the emergency room 2x for a fever over 102 degrees. Despite telling the ER docs that we were TTC, I'd had 3 chest x-rays, a CAT scan with iodine dye, and antibiotics and ibuprofen for the fever and what turned out to be a UTI (with none of the usu. symptoms).

We decided to wait to tell our families on Mother's Day, May 11th. It was a wonderful secret to keep. We started planning, picking out names, and preparing our home for our new addition.

Thursday before Mother's Day, I was to have my first prenatal appointment and ultrasound at 8 weeks. I felt lousy that morning and left work for the ER. I had (another, double-shielded) was diagnosed with pneumonia. Although I'd started spotting, a pelvic exam showed that my cervix was closed. An ultrasound showed the sac measuring at 5W3D instead of the 8W2D I thought it would be according to my LMP. There was no sign of a fetal pole. My beta level was 15000+. The docs didn't seem concerned about the spotting nor ultrasound. I was admitted overnight for the pneumonia and released the next day.

That afternoon I continued to spot and felt a severe cramp. I decided to rest. The spotting turned into bleeding and worse cramping overnight. I called the on-call OB Saturday night. She said "It sounds like you're miscarrying. The pain and bleeding will probably get worse. Come in Monday" to the practice for a follow-up.

Saturday at bedtime the occasional cramps became almost continuous and came with clotting and alot of bleeding. The calls we made on Sunday, Mother's Day, were the hardest I've ever made. We had wanted to share our joy with our families, not our sorrow.

Monday afternoon when I went in to the OB, he sent me straight to ER. [I wish the on-call OB had told me to go to emergency if the pain and bleeding were so bad. I wouldn't have had to suffer as long as I did. We just followed instructions. We didn't know what to do!] My beta level was down to 5000. I ended up having a D&C that evening.

I know this is long. I just haven't really written it down anywhere, and it's been therapeutic to document the entire ordeal. I know that you ladies unfortunately understand.

[Jillybean]

Momy25,Mary,Lostagain and Losabia,
I am so sorry to find you here and i am so sorry for the loss of your children.
I understand the pain and the path you must walk down, I pray for easier days for you.

Jill

[shanay]

Hello everyone,

My name is Shanay and I am 26 years old. Me and my husband have been married for 6 years, but been together for 10. We have been trying all this time. I found out I was pregnant in January. I had a miscarriage on May 13, 2008 at 20 weeks. I had to go threw the whole labor proscess and that was so painful because I knew that our daughter was not coming home with us. Everything was fine. I woke up one morning and had to have a bowel movement I thought. I knew then something was wrong because I started bleeding. I went to the doctors office and he told me that I was going into labor to soon and that the baby coundn't survive on her on and that he coundn't stop the labor. 2 that next day I had a beautiful girl and everyhting had developed but her lungs. I am stll heart broken about it and wonder if there was something that I could have did to prevent it, but the doctor has already told me that there was nothing noone did, that just was going to happen. I am going for a checkup tomorrow and hope that everything is ok and that he can tell me when I can start to conceive again. I just wonder about so much that nothing matters. I have no feeling and dont feel like doing anything. I no things will get better and I will be writing back to tell my wonderful story of my little one soon. I just hope it is sooner than later, to try and fill that empty spot.

I hope my story has helped someone and everyones story has helped me.

LOVE AND TAKE CARE TILL NEXT TIME!!!!!!

[Jillybean]

Hi Shanay,
Sorry to see you here and sorry for your loss.
It's totally normal to not have much feeling for anything. I think it's your body's way of handling stress, kind of a time out so you can recoup.
I do hope to see you back in the forums with better news someday soon.

Jill

[mary31]

Shanay.

Im very sorry for your loss... I unserstand how you feel. I lost my baby girl at 18 week to went through labor to. Take your time you just lost your baby,

[shanay]

Hello again everyone,

I'm glad that I know other women have been threw the same thing that I have. That lets me know that nothing I did was wrong. I love my husband and he is trying to be so strong for me. Without him I don't think that I would have made it this long. God is good and I think that this is his way of letting us know that we are not in control and to open up our eyes and really look at the picture.

[Just me]

Hello,

I found this site when I miscarried last month. It is the best one! I thank each of you for sharing your stories, tears, love, and compassion with all of us.

My husband and I have been married for 13 years (already!) and have four children ages 2 to 9 years old. We conceived our our 5th little one in February. We told our kids when I was 8 weeks, and they wanted to tell the whole world, they were so excited!

This pregnancy was different than my other ones were. My all-day sickness was so different than with either my boys or girls. I remember commenting to my husband one day that if there was another gender this baby would be it.

When I was 8 1/2 weeks I had some spotting and bleeding. I had had that with my 3 previous pregnancies, so I wasn't worried. I was seeing a new doctor and they said to go to the ER for stat bloodwork and an ultrasound. I thought it was a waste of time, but better safe than sorry, so we went. Our little one had a heartbeat and everything was fine.

Around week 10 my nausea diminished, and slowly continued to diminish. At my 11 week appointment my doctor couldn't find the heartbeat. I went in the next day for an ultrasound and the tec couldn't find a heartbeat, either.

The baby came one day shy of 12 weeks, though he or she was only nine weeks in size.

It just seems so unreal. I have to go on because I have family depending on me, yet I feel like I'm leaving part of my heart behind. It is getting a bit easier, but I have my moments. I think I'll have moments for the rest of my life. This weekend was one month since our baby was born. That was hard, too.

A friend of mine, when I told her I miscarried the baby, told me she had lost one, too. He was 6 months old. She paused as she calculated: he would be 42 years old today. We never forget. She said people say we get over it in time, but we don't ever get over it, we just continue on.

Thanks for having this fourm for all of us to share and be here for each other. My heart goes out to all of you.

Mary

[trichick29]

All these stories mad me feel so sad yet also reassured. I am so sad that any of us are here. It's heartbreaking and incredibly lonesome to go through a miscarriage. Husbands just can't understand completely and family / friends are wonderful...but it is just such a hard thing to explain to anyone. I wish everyone the healthiest recovery and succesful pregnancies. It is cool to see some of the earlier postings that have signatures now of their living children. That gave me a lot of hope.

First I have to say that I have been struggling with endometriosis all my adult life. Not to go in to too much detail - but it relates to the complexity of my issues. There is no cure and the treatment is very complicated when you are trying to get pregnant. You can have surgery - but many times it grows back. All the Rx's out there take away your estrogen. You obviously need estrogen in order to get pregnant. It can also diminish naturally if you do not have periods; which you also need to get pregnant (sot of). Many women have had permanent (or temporary) relief of endometriosis from being pregnant. In my case, I have many lesions and they are percocet kind of pain when I have my period.

So now to the pregnancies / losses.

After TTC for a year, I finally conceived in Aug 07. My pregnancy was laden with nausea, vomiting and extreme endometriosis pain when I typically would have 'had' my period. (Turns out you can take narcotics during pregnancy but not advil! (huh!)) I had a little bit of spotting during week 8 and the Dr. said she could see it was just cervical- not coming from the pregnancy. But she agreed to do an u/s to 'make me feel better'. In I go for the u/s. I had seen the h/b at 6wks and got a good picture. During the 8 wk u/s she couldn't find the heartbeat. I was heart broken. I didn't want to wait to m/c on my own so I did a D&E.

I accidentally got pregnant in October. We used protection and everything. I never got a period in between pregnancies so we were guessing at dates I conceived. Again they had me do an u/s at 6wks - saw a nice heartbeat and a good picture. But I had a very large cyst on one of my ovaries that the tech swore looked like a baby sac measuring the size of my LAST pregnancy. She took all kinds of pictures and the Dr. said the chances were so small, he wanted me to come back in 2 weeks to check then. In the meantime if I had any bad cramping, bleeding - go directly to ER. I made it the 2 weeks with no problem. Went back in for the u/s on my OVARY and it turns out the baby's h/b was gone. It measured exactly what it should have for that day but they just couldn't see a heart. The Dr. checked also. So again, I was crushed - just thought I was going in looking at the ovary and wound up doing another D&E. During that pregnancy I also was laden with all the symptoms plus endometriosis pain again.

On the date of my very first due date, we conceived our 3rd pregnancy. I was again so happy to find out we were pregnant. This time felt different. They put me on 200mg progesterone which made me even more nauseous than regular m/s but was worth it. At 6 weeks we saw the h/b again. At 7 wks I ended up in ER b/c of horrible pain - thought it was appendicitis but turned out to be my endometriosis pain had probably developed on my intestines (a new place) which put me on percocet for a day and rested. At 8 weeks I started cervical bleeding. Again Dr. told me that the cervix was very vascular + extra progesterone made it sensitive. She told me only if it got more like period bleeding - go back. So yesterday it felt different. Even though the bleeding hadn't really changed - I had this horrible gut feeling. I called the Dr. again - cervical bleeding but she wanted to do an u/s because of my history and my gut feeling. No heartbeat again. Measured 9.2 weeks. She encouraged me to do another D&E because this one would be harder and more painful to pass - much more attached so I could bleed to death, etc. So we did a D&E last night.

Today I feel completely, utterly numb and so sad. Right now I don't ever want to get pregnant again. I want a family but honestly do not think I can handle this again. I really don't think I can take this again.

So many women's stories out there are so much worse than mine. I think I would die if I had to labor and deliver a fetus that died. You women are unbelievable saints. I can't even fathom what that was like. But it was so reassuring to me that other people have been through this pain (more pain than mine) and are ok.

So thank you for making things ok for all of us. Everyone is so strong. We really appreciate it.

Sorry this is so long. But I feel better after just getting this out.

[shanay]

Hello everyone,

Everything is the same with my last reply. I am still trying to conceive from my miscarriage that I had in May. These messages are hope that I can do this with the help of family memebers and husband. I just hope that I can conceive again. I had been trying for 8 years before I got pregnant and just hope that it don't take another 8 years again. Have anyone every tried the ovulation calendar before. Does it work.

[stephaniev]

Hello all, I just wanted to say that I'm deeply sorry for all the losses everyone here has had to incur.

My husband and I were married in July 2007 and wanted to wait a little while before TTC. I went off birth control in March 2008 and that was my LMP. I've always had an irregular cycle (about every other month) so I didn't suspect I was pregnant for a while, I thought I was just waiting for my period to come. I'd taken several negative HPTs in May and finally took a positive one on May 29th. I had it confirmed by a blood test and we were on our way.

Everyone was confused as to when I was due because of A) always having an irregular cycle and B) just having gone off BC. We'd had our initial checkups and all of my bloodwork was good, I've never had an irregular pap before so I hoped this pregnancy would be smooth sailing. We had an early ultrasound (transvaginal) so determine how far along I was. I had the ultrasound on June 24th. She concluded that I was 6 weeks and 3 days, there was a heartbeat but it was slow (only 82) so she scheduled me to come back the following Tuesday for another ultrasound. June 27th (friday morning) I woke up with the urge to urinate (not uncommon) but I looked down and there was blood everywhere. In the bathroom I panicked and was crying and knew this wasn't right. There was clotting and tissue being expelled. I was rushed to the E.R. and after 3 hours, an ultrasound, vaginal exam, and testing of the tissue, the doctor confirmed that I had a spontaenous miscarriage. He didn't believe there would be a need to do a D&C since it looked like my body had already gotten rid of almost everything on its own.

There are no words to describe the emotions that a woman and man go through after experiencing this. Especially after you've told people that you're pregnant.

I'm scheduling a follow up with my OBGYN this week to make sure I'm physically ok and to see if there was any other explanation for this.

My husband and I do want to try again, but we'll wait a little bit. I'm scared to death now that I will go through this again and I don't know if I'll be able to handle this emotionally again.

[JennTheMomma]

When I was 18 years old I got a stomach infection that was suppose to leave me infertile from the medications I had to take. When I as 20 the infection came back, I was told by 3 different doctors that I was infertile due to the infections. A few years later I became pregnant, and was overjoyed. We bought a few items for the baby, including a pregnancy book. We set up a Doctor's appointment, a few days before it I started to bleed. I immediatly called the doctor and he had me come in to the clinic. He had me get blood drawn and then told me to wait for the results. When the results came he confirmed I was having a miscarriage. The next day I took all the baby items and the book back to the store. I was heartbroken. For a long time I felt like it was my fault because I was too excited and that I had jinxed myself. It took awhile to get over it because there was no ultrasound taken beforehand. The only "proof" I have that I ever was pregnant is a doctor's record saying the results were positive, and then another that confirms a miscarriage. Since there was no ultrasound done we guess on the gender. We decided it was a boy and named him Austin. That was April 14 2006.

A few months after that I became pregnant again. I went to the same Obstetrician, he told me to take it easy and rest up. For the first 20 weeks I was on edge thinking I'd have another miscarriage at any moment. I didn't tell anyone other than husband that I was pregnant until 14+ weeks ( I actually had to finally say something because it was my birthday and my parents were coming over and I was already showing and had ultrasound pictures in frames). We bought a home doppler so that I could hear his heartbeat if I thought something was wrong. I am happy to report that I gave birth to a healthy baby boy on July 2 2007. He was 7 lbs 13 oz and 20.5 inches long, and 1 week overdue. His name is Hunter.

I will never forget the miscarriage I had. It was very real and sad for us. I have come to accept though and I know we will meet someday in another place.

[candygirl_49404]

I'm sorry for everyone's losses. I myself believe i might have had a miscarriage today, but don't know if i was ever really pregnant. So I'm wondering if anyone would walk through the pain to tell me what it looked like, I don't wanna be insensitive. I just don't know

[lucyfelix]

hello everyone. my name is amanda, and i miscarried two weeks ago at 8 weeks. i'll share my story later, but i wanted to stop in and introduce myself as i'll probably be in this subforum and "waiting to try" for the next 3 months until i'm cleared to try again.

[LvMyChunkalunka]

I have never shared my story, and there isn't a better place to do so, I'm sorry that all of us here have such a sad thing in common but I'm happy that we are all able to help each other through our difficult times.

My pregnancy wasn’t planned but we were very excited about it, my fiancé and had talked about kids and knew we wanted a family. When we found out I was expecting we were overjoyed. My first trimester was very nice. I never really got sick just a little nauseous every now and again. We had an ultrasound at 10 weeks and we had a beautiful perfect baby. We couldn’t be more pleased, I remember the day I got my ultrasound, Adam (my fiancé) couldn’t be there and right afterwards I had to pick him up from work, and on the way I cried so many happy tears and I just couldn’t wait to show him his little baby. From early on I just thought we were having a boy, it’s like I could feel it in my soul. But I wasn’t about to trust it because I was the one who didn’t think I was even pregnant.
I went in for my 20 week ultrasound, and again Adam had to work so my sister went with me. That day we found out we had a precious boy, our Aidan Lucas. He moved so much during that ultrasound I’m surprised they could identify what his gender was! He started out breech and by the end he was flipped completely around. They took all of his measurements and sent me home with more pictures to show Adam. A sweet healthy baby boy. We went to Baby’s R Us and started our registry, Dinosaurs was our theme. Adam was so excited to be having a son. He kissed my belly everyday and read to us when we went to bed. Aidan knew his Daddy’s touch, whenever he would touch my belly Aidan would give me a swift kick. He was a mover he would kick me all day and roll around more than you could imagine. We called him our little soccer player.
On Sunday Dec 23 I called the doctor because I hadn’t felt him move for almost a day and it was really strange for how much he normally moved around. They had me go to the hospital and have a heart monitor put on and have ultrasound. Adam finally was able to be there and see his baby on the ultrasound moving around… I’m so grateful for that. The heart beat was good and strong and the ultrasound looked normal… though I was still concerned because he wasn’t moving as much but I was told everything was ok, just to go home and rest. I was supposed to have an appointment that next Monday to follow up but my Doctor got stuck in the snow storm we had gotten so They moved my appointment to Wednesday Dec 26, with a different doctor.
Aidan gave me a kick Christmas night when Adam touched my belly… that was his last kick.

On Dec 26 I went into the doctors office and he went to check the heartbeat.. Nothing… I was convinced the doctor was a moron because sometimes he hid and you couldn’t find his heartbeat right away. It had happened quite often and scared me, and this doctor was barely touching me with the monitor. He made another appointment to go to the hospital and sent me home. I got in the car and just sobbed, I drove home about 15 minutes away just crying but telling myself the doctor it just stupid. Adam was at work and he doesn’t have a cell phone so I couldn’t get a hold of him. I called my mom and she drove up to take me to the hospital. For an hour I sat at home not knowing what to do, I felt terrible I couldn’t tell Adam what was going on. My mom took me to the hospital and they did an ultrasound and she wouldn’t let me see the screen, but she stayed cheerful so I kept telling myself everything’s ok. They sent me upstairs for the heart monitor. When the nurse came in she said that the doctor didn’t like what she saw on the ultrasound. I went to talk with my doctor where she told me he was gone. I just broke down I didn’t know what to think. All I can remember saying is I just want my baby. Just then Adam called my mom, I told him to come.
I was induced that day on the 26 at about 6 pm, I delivered him the 27 at 2:20 pm. My beautiful baby boy looked so perfect. We held him and took some pictures and told him how much we loved him. I just hope he knows how much we loved him. I feel so lucky to have had such wonderful nurses everyone of them was so sweet to me, one of them was the one who was with me the Sunday before and she just came in and sat with me and hugged me and cried with me, it felt so good that they cared so much. I miss him so much I love this quote I found that I thought was just perfect….

“Some people dream of Angels, We held one in our Arms�

We are now expecting again and I am scared but more than that over joyed and I know Aidan is watching over us.

[lucyfelix]

hope, thank you for sharing your story. that ultrasound picture in your sig is amazing!!!! it looks like your baby is having a good time in there :)

i'll share my story. it's really not that exotic, and honestly....if it had to happen, this is about the best way it could have (when i compare it to other peoples' stories).

i sort of had the "advantage" of not being naive about the things that can go wrong in pregnancy. my sister tried for 8 years, and then did IVF. the first time, it was a chemical pregnancy. the second time, she got pregnant with triplets. the two girls had twin-to-twin transfusion syndrome, and she lost one of them at 23 weeks. now, the surviving ttts twin has multiple scary health problems. so i didn't walk into this assuming tacitly that everything would go well, and i think that actually helped me.

the first month we tried, we went all out--OPK and charting my BBT. 12 dpo, i got a faint positive. i had a little implantation bleeding, and then it stopped (i didn't worry about that, because my mom bled for most of her pregnancy with me). i regretted testing early, because i was terrified it would be a chemical pregnancy. but i still told everyone almost right away because i was about the burst from my good news.

my first betas were GREAT: 656 at 15 dpo, and 1948 two days later. my progesterone was 42. i was thrilled!

at 5w6d, i had a little bright red blood. and ultrasound revealed a yolk sac, but no heartbeat, and i was measuring a little small (5w2d). my progesterone was down to 16. the dr. hypothesized maybe it was vanishing twin syndrome, and he started me on progesterone just in case. i had another ultrasound on that thursday (6w2d)--no heartbeat or fetal pole, but there was good growth. he checked my hcg, and it was 16,000. he decided to do one more ultrasound and check hcg that monday (6w6d), but his gut feeling was that there was only about a 20% chance of it being a viable pregnancy. on monday, surprise! we got a heartbeat. it was a little slow (113), but i was SHOCKED and ECSTATIC!!! and then i got my hcg: 15,000. how could it have gone down?

i had one more ultrasound, a week later (7w6d), and there was no heartbeat. i had REALLY gotten my hopes up. i had a d&c on tuesday--i would have been exactly 8 weeks.

pathology didn't show anything, except that it was "products of conception." i had kind of been hoping to find out the sex, but no luck. the doctor is very optimistic about the future for me, and he's doing a bunch of tests and monitoring my food (i'm in recovery from anorexia, and he's encouraging me to gain some weight) over the next 3 months until i can try again.

obviously this has been heartbreaking, but i really do think that being "sadder but wiser" bout pregnancy helped. and i've gotten wonderful support. i joined this board, however, because only people who have suffered a loss will understand why i'm still grieving months later, and i know that my need for support is ongoing. i think i'm probably going to have a real setback in healing when i get my first period (but, at the same time, i'm kind of looking forward to it, because it's a necessary step toward being able to try again).

[FurtleMurtle]

Hi,
42 and lost a surprise pregnancy.
I am bummed and not with a lot of Net time right now.
Just as I was looking forward it was over. My hormones dropped too low. And I had no appointment until 2 days before I lost it.
I am a high risk usually but it's the keepin, not the gettin.
Later I guess

[Jillybean]

I am truly sorry to see that this one didnt make it, you have my prayers...

[vestakia]

Im very new to this. I just had a D&C on friday. My dr found that i had a blighted ovum on thursday and i had a miscarraige when i was 15 that was extremely traumatic and i knew the only way i could get through this is by having the surgery. what makes it more difficult is that i am a Navy wife and my husband is away while this has happened. My family is more than supportive but it doesnt make it any easier. I was almost 11 weeks so its all a little hard to take in so quickly.


Amanda:cry:

[srh38]

I have been married for two years and just found out today that my first pg is not going to continue...there was no heartbeat. We ttc for 11 mths and during that process I had surgery to clean out scar tissue, clear out my tubes, and remove an ovarian cyst...that was in April. We had three months of higher fertility post sx and got pg in the last month before we would have started clomid and IUI. We were thrilled to be pg. My husband deployed to Guam a month ago. While he was gone my u/s started to look scary...things such as the heartbeat is slow and the baby had not grown much in the last week. However, I still had hope that the baby could thrive. Today I expected to see proof that my baby had gotten a stronger heartbeat and had grown more. Instead, I was told there was no heartbeat. I am scheduled for a D & C on Monday. They said we can ttc two months later. The Red Cross is bringing my husband home from Guam...he should be here Sunday night. I am so grateful for this supportive forum. The stories make me cry but also give me hope.

In addition, my lil sister is pg with her second child. Our kids would have been one month apart.

[Brandles]

My DH (33) and I (30) have been ttc since 6/08. I finally had a bfp on 09/09 (a week before my AF was due) and bought my DH a book titled "What to expect when your wife is expanding"... I wrapped it up and gave it to him... he was soooo excited and with this being his first he wanted to call everyone right away and give them the good news. My darn dog chewed up all "4" of by bfp's and on Monday 09/15 I decided to buy another one for a keepsake... it came back negative, I was so surprised and didn't believe it :bigeyes:. I called my Dr and the next day I had my bhcg checked again and the levels went down significantly :sniffle: Needless to say, I started bleeding on Wednesday. :ohno: I am still soooo sad and can't believe it's already been a week.

[Doc]

Hello :hi: I'm Doc and I am so glad that I found this forum.I have been lurking in the background and finally decided to register so that I could share my story.I am 30yrs old and have a beautiful daughter Victoria who is 10yrs old.I have multiple health problems that started when I was a child which include Lupus,MS,Multiple Autoimmune disorders and an Infection in my heart along w/"women" problems that started when I got AF at age 9.I was told that I wouldn't be able to have children so I gave up on wanting them a very long time ago.I ended up getting pregant w/my first daughter,Victoria when I was 19 but was very ill from the begnning of conception and very high risk so much so that at 5 weeks they told me I would have to have my one and only tube tied as soon as I gave birth to my first daughter.Things went as well as could be expected w/her even though I went into labor when I was 6 1/2 month along.I finally gave birth to a beautiful daughter a month early on Aug.30,1998.After having her I had my tube tied and even though I would have liked to have one more knew that I never would be able too.Well almost.In 2005 my DH (not my first daughters father) and I found out that I was pregant when I was 2 weeks along.My health had gotten a lot worse since the first pregancy and my symptoms where a whole lot more intense and worse than the first time around.After a few weeks of adjusting to the shock and deciding that ok this was happening I was happy but causious about being pregant.I had us every week and being that I an DH are Paramedics we could listen to the babys heartbeat whenever we wanted (which was wonderful) things we going ok.Mother's Day weekend my younger brother graduated from College and we went and had a wonderful weekend and Mother's Day then came home.Then things got bad really bad.I was 20ish weeks and I started having severe cramping and pain and after waking up to me bleeding I called my doctor in the middle of the night at home.He told me to come straight to his office that he would met me there.My DH was away for work and I was alone so I was alone I got up and went to the docs office.When I got there he already had the us and everything ready and we both knew it was not going to be good.He did all of his "stuff" and looked at me and told me that I was in labor and that there was nothing we could do to stop me from loosing my daughter.He proceded to tell me that I was having her but he was going to do everything to make it a easy on me as he could.After an epidural and long endless hours w/my DH and w/my doctor who has been a long time personal friend I gave birth to our daughter Sydney Ryan Taylor Hunt @ 8:48pm on 5/13/05.She was already gone but I just sat there holding her crying.After more than 2hrs w/her they took her from us.Three days later I left the hospital w/o my beautiful daughter in my arms.It was the hardest thing that I have ever had to do.The second hardest thing was having to tell my other daughter Victoria that her little sister wasn't coming home but had instead gone home to be in heaven w/God.I still can't think or talk about Sydney w/o crying my eyes out.

I keep thinking that if I weren't so sick then I wouldn't have lost her and she would be here next to me right now.I feel that it is my fault & I know that it ultimatly was my fault.I know this because of my medical background and even my doctor told me that it most likely happened because my body attacked Sydney as if she were a foreign invader and as it would happen my body got rid of what it thought was the foreign invader.Sometimes I think that having all of the knowledge that I have is a total curse.I can't get over this and the nagging guilty feeling that if it were not for me Sydney would still be here.

I'm sry this was such a long post but this is the first time that I have written about what happend to my Sydney and it is taking a lot out of me.Thank u all for the support of this forum and the chance for me to talk about this w/others who know and understand what I have gone through and continue to go through on a daily basis.


God Bless You all, :hugs:
Doc

[srh38]

Doc,
I am crying as I read your story. I am so sorry for the loss of your precious Sydney. This is a great forum full of loving women. God bless you and your family.

[Jae <3]

I was 20 when I lost my sweet sweet angel Adrianna. She had muscle dystrophy and we were told she would not make it to the age of 3. As time progressed, she became stronger and was surpassing what the doctors had said. She took her first steps at the age of a 13 months (we were told she would NEVER walk). By July, she was soaring with improvements. Her dad fell asleep while driving, and we lost her July 7th, 2005 at 9:12am. Her dad, soon after.

Shane was my miracle baby. No complications, soared through the pregnancy with flying colors until my water broke. October 23, 2006 he was born into heaven at 5:34pm.

In 2006, I met my DH. We had a whirlwind romance and I moved in Jan 2007. The end of May I started what we thought was AF, but something was different. I took a HPT, and it was positive- But I was miscarrying. We lost our Isabella June 6, 2007. Never even knew, until it was too late.

2007, was no different. 3 losses. May(chem), June(chem), & August(9wks).

I am 23, my DH is 27.
We are now waiting to TTC in April of 2009. I am praying every day next year will be different. Next year will be OUR year to become parents.:sniffle:

[dorita]

Welcome to all of you... this is a great place to express your feelings and to know you are not alone..

[billswiferebeccasmom]

Doc and Se7en, I am so sorry for your losses. I know this forum has helped me a lot these last few weeks and I hope you find the same comfort.

[Jae <3]

Doc and Se7en, I am so sorry for your losses. I know this forum has helped me a lot these last few weeks and I hope you find the same comfort.
Thank you. I have been in denial, but I think it is time to face everything before we start to TTC again. :hugs::hugs:

[Doc]

Doc and Se7en, I am so sorry for your losses. I know this forum has helped me a lot these last few weeks and I hope you find the same comfort.

I would like to thank u all for the support that I have recieved from everyone since I have come here.I have found so much support and that has helped me a great deal.I am still trying to deal w/the loss of my Sydney.It has been 3yrs since I lost her but the 15th of last month is when she was to be born and so I have had a really bad week.I still cry everytime I think of Sydney but I know it is not always going to be that way.Even though she was not planned at all I was incrediblly excited when I found out I was pregant but I was devistated when I lost her.I so appreciate all of the support that I have gotten from all of u and am so glad that I found this forum because I have been able to talk w/u all about loosing Sydney which is something that I have not done.I'm so glad that I am able to talk to u all and deal w/this by talking about Sydney and what happened to me and her.Thank u so much for everything.God Bless u all.

[Morgaynn]

My name is Lily. On October 24 my husband and I were delighted to find out that we were FINALLY pregnant after trying to conceive for two years and struggling with irregular ovulation and countless appointments making sure both of us were still fertile. I am 32 and Jeff is 31 this month. Both of us have a child from previous relationships but it's been years since either of us have had children. I have a 9yr. old son and he has a 14 year old daughter... In between those years we both did a lot of growing up and partying and doing unsafe things that our late teens and early twenties brought along that could feasibly jeopardize our ability to have a family later in life. Jeff and I met four years ago and were married in August 06. We decided before our wedding that we wanted to try for a family immediately after we were wed. We both felt that being in our thirties and much more financially responsible and mature that we were in a good place to start a family. Upon finding out we were FINALLY pregnant via 3 positive home pregnancy tests we scheduled our first prenatal appointment. On Oct. 29 we were given an EDD of July 3. So, we celebrated by going out and looking at stuff to start our nursery, and looking into cd's and books to help prepare our menagerie of animals for the impeding arrival.

Monday morning I woke up only to find myself calling my Doctor first thing in the morning. The doctor advised us to go to the ER. Needless to say this is not the answer I wanted to hear and scared me to death. I called my Mom at work and she picked me up to drive me. (Knowing that I probably wasn't going to be in any kind of emotional state to be able to handle it, and my husband was still on his way to work I couldn't reach him til I was at the hospital) Jeff showed up at the ER shortly afterward.

After spending all day in the ER, we didn't really any real answers as to what was going on. They suspected that I wasn't pregnant, or not as far as we initially thought, and the U/s didn't show what was going on really well because of the heavy bleeding in my uterus. They felt that I may have already passed the baby. I had a follow up ultrasound with my doctor Tuesday. Tuesday morning they discovered that my pregnancy is in my right tube and diagnosed me with an ectopic pregnancy. I'm on bed rest for the rest of the week.

They gave me Methotrexate, a drug used in cancer patients, to dissolve the pregnancy to hopefully avoid surgery. The drug may cause some scarring in the tube and I may lose the use of that tube. However, I risk the same with surgery. From what I am able to gather from the explanation of the doctors is that the drug is used to try to dissolve tumors in cancer patients and is very caustic and likely to make me very ill while on it.

We lit a candle for "Christopher" yesterday evening and had ourselves a good cry. Today we've cried some and talked more... we even managed a couple giggles and sweet nothings between phone calls and emails from friends across the nation and my family dropping of some comfort food for me. I know that I am blessed to have so many people that care about us, and that Jeff is the loving husband that he is. I don't know how I could get through this if he wasn't here with me.

About 11 years ago I got pregnant the first time with my exhusband. The pregnancy ended badly and almost killed me (literally) when I had the miscarriage. I had hemorrhaged and almost bled to death from the loss. My exhusband refused to even show his face at the emergency room and had the audacity to fight with me when I got home. He wanted to know where his van was because he had to be at work in the morning. I had left it at the hospital. I was in no condition to drive the 6 blocks home. The doctors had filled me up on a few pain killers and god knows what else. Shortly there after I moved 500 miles away from him and started a new life.

This time while I was in the emergency room I knew Jeff was there, but that fear of him not being there definitely reared its head when he moved his truck from the 30 minute parking zone.. I don't suppose it was too irrational a thought to have considering I have been through it before.. It was probably the greatest gift I got from this was knowing that through thick or thin, no matter what the cost, my husband was with me and loves me unconditionally. He wasn't mad that I called my mom. He wasn't angry that he lost a day at work. I was glad to see that he was as heartbroken as I am about losing this child... It let me know that he felt something.... I suppose being glad he was hurt by this isn't a nice thing to feel, but I don't know any other way to put it... I went from one extreme to another.. From a husband who could give two ######s less if I lived or died losing his child, to one that was brought to his knees in grief by the loss of his child... Is that really cruel and insensitive of me?

[iwanna]

no. it's not cruel at all. it's not that you are happy that he is in pain you are happy that he cares.

[BleedingBlack]

Hi ladies... I figure it's time to come over here... I have had a total of six losses and two live biths. My first loss was in April 2001 and the cause is unknown. The second time I got pregnant, I gave birth to my DD (March 2005) early but she was healthy and honestly, I saw her as a miracle. I had been told that I'd probably never conceive again after having her, so DH and I decided to try to beat the odds...

I got pregnant three more times in 2005 (July, September, November)...all of which ended in loss. We decided to try once more time, but I ended up losing yet again in January of 2006. After that, I gave up. I didnt want to take the pain anymore and I slowly became okay with the fact that maybe my DD would be my only child.

Much to my surprise in December 2007 I found out I was pregnant again. The pregnancy was rough, but I gave birth to another healthy girl in August 2008. She's beautiful and we are so thankful yet again.

I was put on the mini pill because we thought it would be best to hold off TTC for awhile due to the past. ...Well, the pill failed and I got pregnant, only to just recently lose over the holiday weekend -November 2008 and I'm just numb to it.

As of now, we are still not preventing and putting things in God's hands. If all else, we will TTC either Jan/Feb 2009. The causes of 5 of my 6 miscarriages has been confirmed as Incompetent Cervix.

[darev760]

They gave me Methotrexate, a drug used in cancer patients, to dissolve the pregnancy to hopefully avoid surgery.

This what they gave me to just a couple of weeks ago and I didn't get sick or anything, my hormone levels are finally down to 49, so I am hoping that I only have one more week to deal with this mentaly. I do have a almos 2 1/2 year old DD at home, but still it is hard knowing that I will not be taking home another beutiful baby in 9 months.

Melanie

[dorita]

Hi ladies... I figure it's time to come over here... I have had a total of six losses and two live biths. My first loss was in April 2001 and the cause is unknown. The second time I got pregnant, I gave birth to my DD (March 2005) early but she was healthy and honestly, I saw her as a miracle. I had been told that I'd probably never conceive again after having her, so DH and I decided to try to beat the odds...

I got pregnant three more times in 2005 (July, September, November)...all of which ended in loss. We decided to try once more time, but I ended up losing yet again in January of 2006. After that, I gave up. I didnt want to take the pain anymore and I slowly became okay with the fact that maybe my DD would be my only child.

Much to my surprise in December 2007 I found out I was pregnant again. The pregnancy was rough, but I gave birth to another healthy girl in August 2008. She's beautiful and we are so thankful yet again.

I was put on the mini pill because we thought it would be best to hold off TTC for awhile due to the past. ...Well, the pill failed and I got pregnant, only to just recently lose over the holiday weekend -November 2008 and I'm just numb to it.

As of now, we are still not preventing and putting things in God's hands. If all else, we will TTC either Jan/Feb 2009. The causes of 5 of my 6 miscarriages has been confirmed as Incompetent Cervix.
I am so sorry for your losses. :hugs:
Welcome.. this is a great place to share our experiences and find support!!
I totally understand how you are feeling.. I had 3 mc in five months period (a total of 5 mc in two years) and I was devastated. a- I conceived last year - without any treatment - DD is 9 months.. but each mc was very painful. If you ever want to talk more.. you can PM - :hi:

[melemitz1]

Hello everyone,
I joined this site in August and haven't said much because I usually read other posts to make myself feel the comfort that other people know of what I have been through. I recently mc in August. It was early on, but any mc is hard. I have a healthy 20 m/o daughter and I got pregnant the next cycle after the miscarriage and wasn't trying. I love these forums b/c everyone is so nice a welcoming. I pray that everyone including myself that's pregnant has a safe pregnancy. I wish for every mom that has lost a child the peace in knowing that those babes are in heaven and in a better place with no suffering. Just wanted to introduce myself and say hi to everyone!!!

[dorita]

Hello everyone,
I joined this site in August and haven't said much because I usually read other posts to make myself feel the comfort that other people know of what I have been through. I recently mc in August. It was early on, but any mc is hard. I have a healthy 20 m/o daughter and I got pregnant the next cycle after the miscarriage and wasn't trying. I love these forums b/c everyone is so nice a welcoming. I pray that everyone including myself that's pregnant has a safe pregnancy. I wish for every mom that has lost a child the peace in knowing that those babes are in heaven and in a better place with no suffering. Just wanted to introduce myself and say hi to everyone!!!
Welcome - and blessings to you too!

[star_girl]

Me and my boyfriend were so excited to find out after 3 years of trying to concieve... we did it. :hooray:

We went and saw our little ones heart beat and i was so happy and still in shock that i was going to be a mommy. I have wanted this for so long.

when we went in to hear the hearbeat my heart broke a little that day. They couldnt find my babys heart. The doctor told me not to worry because i have had no cramping and no bleeding. and they would try again at my next U/S appt. 4 wks from that day.

That very next week i changed my doctor due to location and had my first nurse visit on Dec 10. I went alone thinking i was going to do some paperwork and be out in no time. My boyfriend had to work that day so it was no big deal. I talked to the nurse about all the family history blahblah... i told her that the week before they couldnt find the heart. she told me that she would try again and not to worry sometimes it cant be heard with doppler for some time. she tried with two different doppler gadgets and then said that we would do a u/s just to see the heart. i was kinda excited to see my little one again since it had been 4 wks since i had seen its heart.

i went into the u/s room and the tech was very nice and talkative until she asked me if i was sure when my last period was. after that the talking stoped. and that is when i stopped looking at her face. something was wrong. she left the room in a big hurry without saying anything to me at all.

i went back to the room where i was jsut 20 minutes before and waited for the nurse. when she walked in i knew. she said that i was 12 wks along but my baby was only developed to 9 and there was no heartbeat. i lost it. my tiny miracle was no longer alive.
why did i have to be alone on that day. i went numb.

So fast forward to yesterday. me sitting in pre-op in my hospital gown waiting for them to take my angel out of me. with my family by my side i silently said goodbye to my baby and sent it to heaven.

In my belly for 12wks and 6 days. i will always remember this love i feel.

[dorita]

Me and my boyfriend were so excited to find out after 3 years of trying to concieve... we did it. :hooray:

We went and saw our little ones heart beat and i was so happy and still in shock that i was going to be a mommy. I have wanted this for so long.

when we went in to hear the hearbeat my heart broke a little that day. They couldnt find my babys heart. The doctor told me not to worry because i have had no cramping and no bleeding. and they would try again at my next U/S appt. 4 wks from that day.

That very next week i changed my doctor due to location and had my first nurse visit on Dec 10. I went alone thinking i was going to do some paperwork and be out in no time. My boyfriend had to work that day so it was no big deal. I talked to the nurse about all the family history blahblah... i told her that the week before they couldnt find the heart. she told me that she would try again and not to worry sometimes it cant be heard with doppler for some time. she tried with two different doppler gadgets and then said that we would do a u/s just to see the heart. i was kinda excited to see my little one again since it had been 4 wks since i had seen its heart.

i went into the u/s room and the tech was very nice and talkative until she asked me if i was sure when my last period was. after that the talking stoped. and that is when i stopped looking at her face. something was wrong. she left the room in a big hurry without saying anything to me at all.

i went back to the room where i was jsut 20 minutes before and waited for the nurse. when she walked in i knew. she said that i was 12 wks along but my baby was only developed to 9 and there was no heartbeat. i lost it. my tiny miracle was no longer alive.
why did i have to be alone on that day. i went numb.

So fast forward to yesterday. me sitting in pre-op in my hospital gown waiting for them to take my angel out of me. with my family by my side i silently said goodbye to my baby and sent it to heaven.

In my belly for 12wks and 6 days. i will always remember this love i feel.
:hugs: I am so sorry for you loss!!! come here anytime - we are always here -

[TinyTorliatt]

Hello everyone,
My name is Jessica & I m/c today @ 8 wks. I'm typing while crying my eyes out & trying deal with all the feelings pouring out of me.

I suffer from PCOS & my husband & I were elated when the pregnancy was confirmed - thought it would be difficult because of my condition. My Dr. said that concieving naturally is a good sign that we'll be able to concieve again, but now I fear that something with my PCOS may cause me to m/c again. I chose not to have a DNC & know that the intense cramping means my little angel is leaving my body. It's nice to know there is so much support on this site, it's definitely going to be a great help for me.

Thanks for listening.:hi:

[dorita]

Hello Jessica,
I am so sorry for your loss. - my heart goes with you:hugs:As I was reading your post I remembered my first loss. I completely understand how you are feeling, I also have PCOS. I would recommend to take as much time you need to heal before you try again and to have a good doctor.
Welcome and please come here anytime.. we are here for you!
If you ever need to talk you can PM -
Dorita

[learningasigo]

I can't believe I haven't posted this here yet…

After starting the TTC journey in December '07, we concieved in April and I got my BFP on Mother's day, 2008.

8 weeks later, I was told I would miscarry even though my HCG's had continued to rise at were at 267,000 at week 10.
I went thru several u/s and switched doctors before we could accept the fact that the baby stopped developing. I elected for a D&C at 13 weeks since my body hadn't even started spotting. After the D&C I spotted for 78 days waiting for my HCG's to return to normal. AF came a total of 105 days later.


As my 1/21/09 due date approaches, it gets harder for us emotionally.

Our little angel, Samuel, will be forever in our hearts.
I love him and miss him every day, and I will for the rest of my life.

ETA:

My next loss was a chemical pregnancy in January, 2009. I would have been due 5 days before my own birthday.

I'm currently pregnant with a healthy little girl, due 1/17/10.... a BFP on Mother's day for the second year in a row. When the doctor ran Beta's, there was a significant rise at 20 dpo. The nurse commented that "there must be twins in there!" Sure enough, there was, but at that first ultrasound, it was discovered that baby B was already lost.

We consider our LO a blessing and her twin a guardian angel she will have for the rest of her life.

January seems to be a signficant month for us. Our first LO was due 1/21/09 and the doctor keeps saying the EDD for this LO is 1/17/10 - 1/21/10. We both cringe when we hear him say that. The chemical loss also occured in January - the week I was due with #1 and now #3.

[MrsC05]

Well in September 2008 my hubs & I decided to TTC baby #4 I usually get pregnant very quickly but we didn't get a BFP til December 4 2008 when I realized I was 4 days late. So we told everyone cuz I had 3 normal healthy pregnancies with our sons & didn't think this pregnancy would be any different. Well on December 13 I went to the bathroom & when I wiped there was blood so I freaked out & called my hubby in & we called the Dr. who told me that IF it was a miscarriage it would be over in a couple hours with heavy bleeding & cramping so I waited for this heavy bleeding which didn't come & the cramps were no more than like a menstrual cycle so I went to bed & when I got up in the middle of the night the bleeding was very light & the cramps had stopped.

so on that monday December 15th I went to have my HCG levels checked & they were 10,000 so they were good on December 16th I went for an U/S & to our wonderful surprise the baby had a heartbeat so we thought that everything would be fine I went home & was on bed rest well I started to have more cramping & bleeding so on December 17th I had my HCG levels checked again but this time they were only 9,000, they went down which I knew that wasn't good so on December 18th 2008 we went for a second ultrasound & found that the baby no longer had a heartbeat,we were devastated, well that night I had severe cramping & really heavy bleeding & the next day when I woke up the bleeding had pretty much stopped so when I went to the Dr. to have my D&C done I told her I was no longer bleeding so she decided to just give me cytotec which would help get rid of any tissue that was left well when I left the Dr. office on the 19th I went straight to the hospital cuz my leg was very swollen & painful & what we found out was I have a huge blood clot in my left leg & since there really is no reason for me to get clots like that they are thinking that I have a blood disorder that causes clotting & that may have been the reason I miscarried but they have to do further test to find out....

So I was almost 7 weeks pregnant when we lost the baby & even though it wasn't there very long we loved it just the same as our other children so it has been very hard on us cuz I went from worrying about the baby to worrying about my leg so we didn't really have time to grieve so it hits us once in a while & we'll cry together & it helps

[srh38]

It has been awhile since I have been here and I just read thru all of the posts. I am sorry for everyone's losses and so inspired by the strength in all of you. We are still grieving our loss but I am functioning better and trying again. I hope all of us find a sense of peace because we will never forget.

[MrsC05]

Hello everyone,
My name is Jessica & I m/c today @ 8 wks. I'm typing while crying my eyes out & trying deal with all the feelings pouring out of me.

I suffer from PCOS & my husband & I were elated when the pregnancy was confirmed - thought it would be difficult because of my condition. My Dr. said that concieving naturally is a good sign that we'll be able to concieve again, but now I fear that something with my PCOS may cause me to m/c again. I chose not to have a DNC & know that the intense cramping means my little angel is leaving my body. It's nice to know there is so much support on this site, it's definitely going to be a great help for me.

Thanks for listening.:hi:

I know how it feels to try to function while crying I do it almost everyday..I am so sorry for your loss..& I too am scared to conceive again terrified I might miscarry again. I don't think I could take it..we're all here for you hun..god bless:hugs: Jamie

[eiskalt]

I just miscarried. We only found out we where pregnant Jan. 5th, and it was clarified by our Health Department Jan. 9th. Then this past Tuesday (Jan. 13th) I started cramping and bleeding at work. I went home and decided to wait till Wednesday to go to the Health Department.

The Health Department sent me straight to the ER and after test and other things, my hCG level was 164. For me to have been 6 weeks pregnant that is really low. It should have been over 1,000. The ultrasound didn't show any sac or anything either. It is not official till I go back to the ER tomorrow to have my hCG levels drawn again, but I know. I just have that gut feeling.

I woke up this morning and bled alot. Passed alot of clots and have been bleeding pretty heavy all morning. That and also this morning when I woke up, I felt normal. No pregnancy symptoms or nothing. Just dull cramping in my lower abdomen and bleeding.

It is hard to fathom being pregnant and happy one minute and not pregnant the next. I was hoping I would be one of the lucky ones to never experience this, but I guess I was wrong. :ohno::ohno:

We do plan to try again, though I cannot lie and say that I am not at the least bit worried that it may happen again. We can only hope....

[dorita]

I just miscarried. We only found out we where pregnant Jan. 5th, and it was clarified by our Health Department Jan. 9th. Then this past Tuesday (Jan. 13th) I started cramping and bleeding at work. I went home and decided to wait till Wednesday to go to the Health Department.

The Health Department sent me straight to the ER and after test and other things, my hCG level was 164. For me to have been 6 weeks pregnant that is really low. It should have been over 1,000. The ultrasound didn't show any sac or anything either. It is not official till I go back to the ER tomorrow to have my hCG levels drawn again, but I know. I just have that gut feeling.

I woke up this morning and bled alot. Passed alot of clots and have been bleeding pretty heavy all morning. That and also this morning when I woke up, I felt normal. No pregnancy symptoms or nothing. Just dull cramping in my lower abdomen and bleeding.

It is hard to fathom being pregnant and happy one minute and not pregnant the next. I was hoping I would be one of the lucky ones to never experience this, but I guess I was wrong. :ohno::ohno:

We do plan to try again, though I cannot lie and say that I am not at the least bit worried that it may happen again. We can only hope....
I am sorry for your loss. :hugs:
I totally undertand how you are feeling and I am glad you posted here.
Thank you for sharing with us. Come here at anytime if you wish to talk..
Dorita

[star_girl]

I just got the results back from my d&c i had on Dec 17. The nurse said that i will be considered high risk in every pregnancy that i have because of TRISOMY 2.

What the hell is that. everything i see online is no good. and the nurse had nothing to give me that was of any kind of information except the dr would call me on monday.

please help, i am a complete mess right now.

[armyspouse3ID]

Hello everyone, I have never posted about the specifics of my miscarriage and I don't know if Im ready to yet but I want to say thankyou to you all for posting.

As I am sitting here crying reading your posts it is just all so real. I have been having a really hard time lately because this month was my DD and everyone I was pregnant with is having their babies. As we speak actually my best friend is being induced! I just don't know how to feel.

We have been trying since Oct 06. and at this point I have almost given up hope of ever carrying to term a baby of my own. DH is leaving for Afghanistan within the year again so this will be another year of no babies. Sorry for the tangent......sometimes I just feel so alone because ALL of my friend have brand new babies or are pregnant with there 1st or 2nd and we have none. I really appreciate all of you ladies! I am sorry for all of your losses.

[squirrelgurl07]

My son Tristan Asher was only 5 days away from being 5months old. He was at his babysitters, my best friend, because I was in school full time in an excellerated college so I could get a job and better provide for us. I got out of school that day on 2-24-09, and I got the call from her. Shed went to wake him and found him blue. She did CPR on him for 45 mins till the ambulance got there. They didnt even work on him just gave him an air mask. I guess they said he was DOA :( I miss him terribly. I was a single mom, 20, so it was hard but we were doing it. I love him and will continue to lvoe him. Its hard most days waking up without him but i press on knowing my angel bear wouldnt want me to give up

[dorita]

My son Tristan Asher was only 5 days away from being 5months old. He was at his babysitters, my best friend, because I was in school full time in an excellerated college so I could get a job and better provide for us. I got out of school that day on 2-24-09, and I got the call from her. Shed went to wake him and found him blue. She did CPR on him for 45 mins till the ambulance got there. They didnt even work on him just gave him an air mask. I guess they said he was DOA :( I miss him terribly. I was a single mom, 20, so it was hard but we were doing it. I love him and will continue to lvoe him. Its hard most days waking up without him but i press on knowing my angel bear wouldnt want me to give up
I am so sorry for you loss. I have been praying for you since I read about your baby. I don't have a lot of words.. but we are here for you anytime.
:hugs:

[AprilBaby]

DH and I have been TTC since July 2007. We finally got pregnant in July 2008 when we took a late honeymoon. I thought everything was going fine and I couldn't wait for my next u/s which was supposed to be Oct.29. I started cramping on the 24th/25th and I was told that was normal so I didn't think twice about it. On the night of the 27th the cramps got worse along with some back pain then the morning of the 28th when I went to the bathroom there was nothing but bright red blood and clots the size of my fist.

I was just about to enter my 4th month and m/c the day before my u/s. I did't even get a chance to find out what I was having.

I thought I was over it but I tend to think about my angel when I can't sleep at night or when I feel lonely. My due date would have been in April so as April approaches I start to feel sad all over again.

[dorita]

DH and I have been TTC since July 2007. We finally got pregnant in July 2008 when we took a late honeymoon. I thought everything was going fine and I couldn't wait for my next u/s which was supposed to be Oct.29. I started cramping on the 24th/25th and I was told that was normal so I didn't think twice about it. On the night of the 27th the cramps got worse along with some back pain then the morning of the 28th when I went to the bathroom there was nothing but bright red blood and clots the size of my fist.

I was just about to enter my 4th month and m/c the day before my u/s. I did't even get a chance to find out what I was having.

I thought I was over it but I tend to think about my angel when I can't sleep at night or when I feel lonely. My due date would have been in April so as April approaches I start to feel sad all over again.
I am so sorrry for your loss. I understand how you feel. it's been more than 3 years since my last mc and i still get sad / sad for each anniversary. Not everyone undertand.. but they are our angels in heaven. :hugs:

[revia]

Many years ago I was told that I had a severely bicornuate uterus and that I would never carry a child to term, by two different doctors. Hubby and I accepted that and figured that we would just adopt one day.

In November 2008, AF was late. I was often irregular, so I didn't think too much of it. But after nearly 2 weeks, I got worried and bought a test. It was positive. I cried so hard, worried that I was going to need a D&C because I had been told it was too risky to carry to term.

I got a new doctor, and he wasn't as worried. He had delivered many babies to women with bicornuate uteruses.

I miscarried twins at 7 weeks. Doctor was still supportive, told me it was a fluke, and that I could try again in a couple of months. Nearly a year later, I m/c again. This time he sent me to a reproductive endocrinologist who diagnosed me with lupus anticoagulant.

Last May I became pregnant with a little boy. Took blood thinners throughout the pregnancy and everything was going great. Went in for my 20 week u/s and the tech thought she saw funneling of the cervix. Doc put me on bedrest until they could confirm it. A few days later, I lost my mucus plug and the doc made me come in immediately. Turns out I was having contractions (that I didn't feel) and I was dilating. I went to the hospital and got an emergency cerclage and was on bedrest with mag sulfate for a week when I went into labor again.

My son was born with me under anesthesia (so they could remove the cerclage... they couldn't do an epidural because of my blood thinners). Ronan lived for 30 minutes, but I spent the entire time coming out of anesthesia. My husband and my nurse made sure that he was brought in to me and they said I did get to see him, but I have no memory of it. I did get to hold him after he passed when I was fully awake. He was perfect in every way, just born way too soon.

I had numerous complications following the birth, including sepsis and severe hemorrhaging. I spent weeks in the hospital and it was over two months before I could return to work.

My doctor referred me to a specialist who put in a transabdominal cerclage in February. We are going to try again. Some days I feel like I'm a lunatic for keeping at it. Some days I feel guilty and like I'm being selfish. And some days I feel OK.

I am glad that I found this site, though. I'm looking forward to becoming part of this community.

[LaurieH]

I am adding again. I have now experienced my 4th first trimester miscarriage. I was so excited this time. My HCG numbers started off good and high (normal range) and tripled and/or doubled every 2 days. After I reached 2045, we went for an u/s and saw a yolk sac and gestational sac (or course) that measured 5w 2d which measured exactly with my ovulation date (vary obvious looking at my chart). I was so excited, but it appears right after that u/s things started going down hill. I did not feel pg (but it was early) and after awhile it was obvious to me that something was wrong. They decided to run another HCG to ease my mind but 11 days after the 2045 my levels were only 4439. Then two days later they were only 4892. I was devistated I know that it would end and if my body was a stupid as it has been in the past it would not know the pg was failing for several weeks. The day after the 4892 measurement I had another u/s which showed a fetus measuring 6w 1d (should have been 6w5d) with a heartbeat of 128bpm. The doctor told me that I had a 10% chance of miscarriage. I know that was only true if my HCGs were good. He did not think much of the numbers and said as long as they were rising by 60% every 2 days that was good. I asked what the prognosis was if they were only rising 10% and he had no answer. I was in some ways excited to see the heartbeat but sad since I had a 8w missed miscarriage almost a year earlier and I know the baby had to have had a heartbeat before we saw it at 10w. The other thing that annoyed me is that there was another sac observed in the ultrasound and it may have been there at the first u/s, but much smaller. I am not sure if this is what contributed to the loss of the baby and maybe hindered the development of the placenta (which may explain the low HCG and baby lagging behind). I started spotting brown the day after the u/s and all weekend and by Monday night there was some red associated with it. By Tuesday when I had rescheduled my OB appointment for I was definitely miscarring and lossing clots and tissue. My doc sent me for an u/s later that day instead of waiting for Thursday's appointment. Between those appointments I had a large loss of tissue etc and figured the baby probably come out then and by the time I got to the u/s appointment the baby was gone. I truly hate that everytime I am sent for an u/s no one knows why I am there. I had to tell the tech that I was there to see about a miscarriage while she thought we were just following up on the progress of the baby from last week. They made the appointment for me why do they not include this information with the request.

So now I am waiting for the brunt of the miscarriage to start and wondering why no one could give me and info as to the origins of the second sac observed in the u/s. If that could have contributed to the loss since it seemed to either show up or get bigger at the second ultrasound. I have more questions than answers and it makes me want to find another OB office with an u/s person on site.

[JESSIE2636]

On May 9th I started experiencing some cramping and I had a terrible back ache, I didn't think anything of it. On Mother's day I noticed some brown discharge that seemed strange, I called the nurse line and they told me it was normal and not to worry.

At around 11pm that night I noticed that the brown had turned to more of a pink and started to worry. I did a search for miscarriage and was horrified. I told my husband and we went to the emergency room. They couldn't find the heartbeat and said that was normal then they did an ultrasound and they didn't say a word.

When I got back to my room the Doctor was there waiting. He said its not good news, that I was prepared for. I was not prepared for him to tell me that the baby had passed 5 weeks ago so at around 9 weeks. They made an appointment for me to get a D&C the next morning and sent me home.

We got home and the cramps got much much worse. I got into bed and then had to get up again to take some pain pills they gave me. As soon as I stood up my water broke and I gave birth to our son in the bathtub. It was horrifying I have never looked into what happens during a miscarriage and both me and my husband have never been so scared.

I was so scared to see him but after my husband cleaned him up he was so beautiful. Perfect little hands and feet with a giant smile.

We named him Travis Rex Clewell (t-rex) and we are going to bury him tomorrow next to my grandparents. I filled a tiny wooden chest with memento's and my husband made a tiny cross with a baby dinosaur on it.

My husband has been amazing through all of this I don't know how he can stay so strong. I couln't have made it through this without his love and support.

We are heartbroken but there must be some reason that this happened, he was probably just too awesome. ;)

Thank you for letting me tell my story, all of our friends are avoiding us and the ones that are not don't want to talk about it.

[amanda82]

At 34 weeks and 3 days pregnant (May 5th) I had an appt. and everything was fine - I felt great. That night I didn't sleep well - I kept having a tightening feeling around my baby bump. I woke up the next day and felt bad all day - I just assumed I was having semi-painful BH. I called my ob just to make sure and his nurse said it was probably just BH but if they became frequent at 8-10 minutes over the course of an hour I should come in. I went through the rest of my day and they started to get better. I went home and as soon as I laid down they got worse and I kept timing them. Around 10:30 we went to the ER.

They tried to slow the contractions down with some pills and then morphine. They only got worse. I was freaked out because at 20 weeks my little one was diagnosed with ARPKD (polycystic kidney disease) and I was told he wouldn't make it and that he would probably come early. I started to dilate in the morning and when the dr. checked my baby was breach. He was born by c-section at 1:12 pm. We told all the dr.'s that we wanted to have everything done to try and save him. His lungs were underdeveloped and his blood wasn't separating, plus his kidneys were not functioning.

I saw him twice that night in the NICU and that night they airlifted him to KC to Children's Mercy to help him. He made it ok and they put him on a machine to fix his blood problem. My husband drove up the next morning (the roads were closed over night due to heavy flooding). He got there and Van was stable. I had to wait to be discharged in the afternoon.

About 15 minutes outside KC I got the call that the hospital needed us both there. I got there and we got to see him and touch him before the dr.'s came in. When they came in I knew it was bad news. The machine he was on caused a brain bleed which couldn't be stopped. We held him while he was still on the machine (it was the only thing keeping him alive). He even tried to open his eyes for me. After that we had him taken off life support and held him until he passed away.

Van F. W. born May 7th, 2009 - died May 8th, 2009

[shanay]

Hello,
This is Shanay. I havent written anything in a while. I m/c on 05/08 and am now 3 months pregnant. I was 5 months when I m/c last time so everything is worrying me. All is going good so far. I have to get a cervical cerclagy next month the stitch up my cervics so it wont open early like it did last time.
Everyone pray for me as I will do the same.
I will write back and let everyone know what happens.
Have anyone every had this precedure done before, if so how did it go.

[owaacstar]

I just lost my baby on 06/03/09, so this is all very fresh for me. My whole pregnancy was uneventful until that day. I was very cautious of everything that I ate and did everything right, at least according to my OBGYN, who is my uncle and said that he wished all his patients were as aware. I ate organically about 90% to 95% of the time and took Prenatals for years before I became pregnant (Wholefoods prenatal). This prenatal is taken three times a day, so that one can get all of the nutrients from that prenatal (aka one can only absorb (sp, im dyslexic) 500mg of calicum at a time and such). While pregnant, I made sure that I ate something with fat and enough water when I took my pill to make sure I absorbed all the water and fat soulable nutrients and ate an orange to absorb the iron. I only had a few times where my blood pressure was high, but it was high for me but normal for others. Most of the time my blood pressure was betweem 90/60 to 100/70. I walked about 2 to 5 miles a day, which is what I did before I became pregnant and did my belly dancing for pregnancy (I am a belly dancer, so this DVD was really boring, but it was for the baby). I did have two problems that where normal for pregnancy, one I had an upper respitory infection from my students. I am a teacher for a school district, so kido's gave me the buggy. And two, I had a yeast infection under my armpit, which I had to take medication for but took it as soon as I noticed and had a blood test done to make sure that it was not in my blood stream. So, basically a normal pregnancy with swelling feet and everything.

I was 28 weeks and 5 days pregnant on 06/03/09. I had noticed the night before that the baby had not moved when he normally did between 11pm and midnight (sometimes starting early at 10:30pm and going longer to 12:30am) and was a little worried. As soon as the storm passed outside, my dog and I went for a walk to see if I could wake up the baby, not really worrying too much because during that stage of development baby's can switch their wake cycles but I was still worried. That morning I went to the bank and stopped to get a Starbucks with caffine to see if that would get him kicking (this was my first caffine use the whole pregnancy) and walked over to Jim's dinner to get his favorite meal, french toast with eggs and sag. After eatting his favorite meal and having the cup of coffee, he still did not kick. This is when I called the doctor and they said to come in and not wait for my visit that was two days later.

I went in and they watched the baby's heartrate for two hours, but we kept losing his heartrate. His heartrate was in between 168 and 172 then would drop to 120's and 130's. This was not good and I was rushed over to the hospital and a specialist was called in by my doctor.

At the hospital, they montiored my heartrate again and then the specialist took me to a 3D/4D ultrasound to do messurements. The baby was right on target for everything, but the specialist couldn't get the baby to move, just like my doctor could not get him to move either. There was no cord problems except that there was a little build up near the entry point to the baby of oxygen. Blood flow as just find but heartrate was really high. The doctors gave me a shot to progress the lungs of the baby and then I was moved from Antipartium to Labor and Delivery. I was rehooked up to the monitors and they thought the baby's heartrate was mine. His heartrate was in the 80's! Then all of a sudden they could not find a heartrate and an ultrasound was used at that point. I got to see my little one's heart move twice very slowly and the next thing I know we were going down the hallway. I knew what was going on coming from a medical family. The antisegiologist (sp, again dyslexic) asked if I was allergic to any drugs and after listing my list of drugs, like Anectin, the doctor said, "Oh **** this is going to be interesting!" All I can remember is me jumping onto the other table in the operation room and then they shaved me and took off my necklace. I remember being cut into and then I remember feeling the pain of the painkiller coming into my left arm and the mask going over my face. The rest is very foggy and I do kind of remember the baby coming out. The next thing I know I am slowly waking up. I hear my uncle (my OBGYN) and the specialist talking about when to tell me. At this point I knew something was wrong but didn't know how bad it might be. The neo-natal unit tried to get Quanah Solon to breath, but he never did and never had a heartbeat. He was labeled a stillbirth and I was told that he had had a stroke.

I did order an autopsy because I wanted to know what happened. There were no signs, and the doctors said that most women wouldn't have known until their next visit. I knew because I was paying very close attention and would sing to him in his wake alert state and read to him and such. I know that I and the doctors did everything that they could and I know that the neo-natal team that helped try to get him to breath has the highest success rate here in San Antonio, TX. All of this helps to heal the pain of, what could I have done differently, but it does not heal the pain, just helps it. I know there is not anything I could have done and I accept that. Now it is time to heal and take care of me.

I have decided to take care of me by donating my milk to the local milk bank and go to three different therapy groups, all to help me mental status. I plan to try again as soon as I can. I know that it takes about 3 to 4 months to get the body's reserves back for calcium, iron, folate, ect. My doctor recommends that I wait a year to a year and a half to try again, but I really want to try sooner. I have started making sure that I continue on my really good diet and work on getting my reserves to normal levels so I can try again. I hope to try in about 6 month or so. This is why I want to make sure that I am emotionally ready so that I do not end up in a depression. I am also making sure that I am physically ready. I am terrified to try again, for I feel I do not think I am strong enough to handle the loss of another baby. I was told I could never have a child, so Quanah Solon was my miracle baby. I know that I can now have children, but maybe right now is not the time. He was my preview of what is to come. I know that I have not lost him, because his soul belongs to my family and he will be back. As a Native person, I have to believe this!

Stephanie
http://tac.families.com/cb/269279.png (http://counters.families.com)

[Zagareen]

Hello!
Just reading all your stories makes the pain less for me. Thank you all for sharing. :ty:

Here's my story: My DH and I are both 28yo and have been TTC since Dec 2007. I took prenatal vitamins months before and made sure I was eating well. I went off the pill and three months later we started. I got pg right away in Jan 2008. At 8 weeks, I had lots of bleeding and immediately went to Drs. U/S showed the baby was in my tube and my hCG levels were below 1000. Methotrexate was adminstered after we got a second opinion. This was a devastating blow and having to tell those we informed about our pregnancy was even harder.

In August 2008, I got pg again. The HPT showed a very faint pink line and I was late. I went to the Drs who confirmed with a serum test. My levels were low and I M/C that weekend. This time, we kept the pg secret and later I told my mom.

This past April, I got pg again. Again, the HPT showed a faint pink line. I went in to the Drs and they didn't find anything in U/S. They thought because the pg was early, around 5 weeks. I started to spot so I went in to see the Dr. I was told my Dr that I would M/C since the hCG levels were low. I M/C that weekend. At this point, I was devastated and my DH as well since his mood change and all he wanted to do was cuddle and tell me "one day." We went in for an HSG and had my progestrone levels done. My progesterone levels were normal and I found out my uterus was normal. However, there was blockage in my right tube and my left tube was partially blocked. The previous Dr told me that the ectopic was in my left tube, this brought in some suspicions that the ectopic was in the right instead. The Dr said we should keep trying and if we couldn't get pg in a few months then we should do laparoscopy surgery to look at the blockages.

This June, I got pg and again the faint pink line. My immediate thought was that I will M/C. I had some spotting and then that turned in to more heavy bleeding with passed tissue. I went in to see the Dr. They took blood and then she examined me and noticed that my cervix was dilated. But I didn't save the tissue. I should have though. My level was 24 on my first day and two days later it was at 73. The week after it was 71. On Monday I will go in and see what the levels are. But I took a HPT and it was a BFP. I don't know what is going on. I still feel nauseated and light-headed and my bleeding is all brown blood and spotting. So I suppose my M/C is pending.

This has all been very hard for my DH and I. I am very thankful that APA has this forum where I can learn and heal.

Thank you for reading my story,
Cindy

[sydney0923]

hello everyone,

i am new here and still trying to navigate the site. i am very sorry for all of your losses. i now know what it feels like to lose a baby.

we lost our daughter this week, on july 30th. i got pregnant around the first of the year, after only being off the pill for 1 cycle. we were excited and felt incredibly lucky that it happened so easily. i had a great, healthy pregnancy. i never even had morning sickness. the baby seemed strong and moved a lot. i noticed last sunday, 7/26, that she was too still. i was over 31 weeks by then. we went to the hospital and found that she no longer had a heartbeat. it was the most devastating moment of my life. i was induced that evening, and almost 4 days later, delivered a 3 lb 13 oz baby girl with lots of dark hair and dark eyes. we named her ava.

i don't know what to do with myself now. today is our first day home and it is incredibly hard. since i just delivered, i am trying to take it easy but sitting still is so hard. my husband is awesome but he gets to stay busy to distract himself. i know we will get through this somehow. we are both 30 and we will try again, but how do you know when it's right to do that? i have no idea what happened to ava and don't think i could go through this again.

thank you for allowing me a place to tell my story. my prayers are with all of you.

[DucksLikeRain]

hello everyone,

i am new here and still trying to navigate the site. i am very sorry for all of your losses. i now know what it feels like to lose a baby.

we lost our daughter this week, on july 30th. i got pregnant around the first of the year, after only being off the pill for 1 cycle. we were excited and felt incredibly lucky that it happened so easily. i had a great, healthy pregnancy. i never even had morning sickness. the baby seemed strong and moved a lot. i noticed last sunday, 7/26, that she was too still. i was over 31 weeks by then. we went to the hospital and found that she no longer had a heartbeat. it was the most devastating moment of my life. i was induced that evening, and almost 4 days later, delivered a 3 lb 13 oz baby girl with lots of dark hair and dark eyes. we named her ava.

i don't know what to do with myself now. today is our first day home and it is incredibly hard. since i just delivered, i am trying to take it easy but sitting still is so hard. my husband is awesome but he gets to stay busy to distract himself. i know we will get through this somehow. we are both 30 and we will try again, but how do you know when it's right to do that? i have no idea what happened to ava and don't think i could go through this again.

thank you for allowing me a place to tell my story. my prayers are with all of you.

I am so sorry for you loss, sweetie. I know how hard it is, especially watching our husbands seeming to be able to cope better/stay busy when we can't.

I have not had a stillbirth, but I did have a daughter at 24 weeks that only lived a few short days. This was in November 2007 and we still haven't both come to a place where we're ready to try again. We waffle-one will be and the other won't, then we switch places. There are so many different things that go into that decision. Some ladies on here have gone on to get pregnant immediately after, some 6 months, and others not at all. It's such a personal thing. But I feel strongly that you will know when it's right for you. You will be able to feel the change from utter grief at the thought of another baby to acceptance and even excitement.

Please feel free to post your thoughts and feelings here and we will do our best to support you. I found APA to be one of my greatest sources of comfort and uplifting people in my time of sorrow. :hugs:

[poohbearkrazy]

hello everyone,

i am new here and still trying to navigate the site. i am very sorry for all of your losses. i now know what it feels like to lose a baby.

we lost our daughter this week, on july 30th. i got pregnant around the first of the year, after only being off the pill for 1 cycle. we were excited and felt incredibly lucky that it happened so easily. i had a great, healthy pregnancy. i never even had morning sickness. the baby seemed strong and moved a lot. i noticed last sunday, 7/26, that she was too still. i was over 31 weeks by then. we went to the hospital and found that she no longer had a heartbeat. it was the most devastating moment of my life. i was induced that evening, and almost 4 days later, delivered a 3 lb 13 oz baby girl with lots of dark hair and dark eyes. we named her ava.

i don't know what to do with myself now. today is our first day home and it is incredibly hard. since i just delivered, i am trying to take it easy but sitting still is so hard. my husband is awesome but he gets to stay busy to distract himself. i know we will get through this somehow. we are both 30 and we will try again, but how do you know when it's right to do that? i have no idea what happened to ava and don't think i could go through this again.

thank you for allowing me a place to tell my story. my prayers are with all of you.


I'm so incredibly sorry for your loss momma. I have a story very similar to yours. If you need someone to talk to who has been in your shoes i'm here any time. ((((Huge Hugs))))

[sydney0923]

thank you all so much for your kind words. it has been a crazy week since ava was born and passed away. i know someday i will be able to move on but right now it's incredibly hard. i keep coming up with reasons to blame myself, like i should have gone to the hospital sooner, slept on my back (accidentally) too much, caught some virus that weakened her heart- all silly things i know, but until i see my doc again i will probably keep making stuff up. is that normal?

[Heavynsmommy]

I am so sorry to hear all of your stories. Mine's a little different.

On Dec. 13, 2004, I delivered a beautiful, healthy baby boy we named Harley. I had my tubes tied two weeks later. We got to take him home and a few weeks later I went back to work. On March 17, 2005, I dropped Bub and Heavyn (our daughter) off at the baby-sitter's and went to work. I left work at lunch time and was heading home when I received a call from my babysitter's house. She would call me if Heavyn would bump her head, so I thought nothing of it. It turned out to be a city police officer informing me that my Harley was not breathing and non-responsive and being rushed to the hospital. After driving like a maniac and calling all of our family, I arrived at the hospital. They had to shock him 3 times, but he had a heatbeat. He would be lifelined to Methodist Hospital in Indianapolis and the helicopter was on it's way. Arrangements were made and a caravan of cars headed to Indianapolis. My DH and I stayed with him all night. The next morning, March 18, 2005, 4 days after my 28th birthday, they told us he would never walk, talk, laugh, smile, or leave the hospital again. After disussing it, my DH and I decided that that would be no way for him to live and had them shut the machines off. 2 years later, I had my tubes untied and had a BFP in April 2008. The next day after my pg test, I started bleeding. The next week it was confirmed that I had mc. We're still ttc, but enjoying our little bit of Heavyn.

[Heavynsmommy]

You have my total understanding on losing a child to SIDS. That's what my 3 month old son died of.

[Heavynsmommy]

My son Tristan Asher was only 5 days away from being 5months old. He was at his babysitters, my best friend, because I was in school full time in an excellerated college so I could get a job and better provide for us. I got out of school that day on 2-24-09, and I got the call from her. Shed went to wake him and found him blue. She did CPR on him for 45 mins till the ambulance got there. They didnt even work on him just gave him an air mask. I guess they said he was DOA :( I miss him terribly. I was a single mom, 20, so it was hard but we were doing it. I love him and will continue to lvoe him. Its hard most days waking up without him but i press on knowing my angel bear wouldnt want me to give up

My son died of SIDS at 3 months old. (see my story). If you need someone to talk to that has been there and knows exactly what you're going through, I'm here.

[amanda224]

I'm knew to this site and forum so it will take a little while for me to get used to it.
I've read many of the stories and they are so inspirational. It has helped remind me that I'm not alone and that, sadly, many of us are going through the same things.
I have made to miscarriages this year and have been feeling sad and wondering if my time will come.
I'll post my story when I have more time to write.
Thank you for sharing your stories.

[amanda224]

My husband and I have had two miscarriages this year and are trying to stay strong for each other.
Sorry, this is so long but this is the first time I have actually told everyone the full story of what we’re going through.

Miscarriage #1
I got pregnant in December 2008 after being off birth control pills for three months. My husband and I were excited. We found out I was pregnant on Christmas Day. We told everyone and our parents told everyone.
My first dr. appointment was great and was 6 weeks along. Shortly after I began to spot a little and continued for a couple of days. I called the dr. office and they said that was normal, not to worry about it until it gets heavy like a period. I was worried. After more than a week of light spotting, I went to the dr. to make sure everything was ok. He did an exam and ultrasound. The exam showed a little bit of brown blood. The ultrasound showed our little peanut with a strong heartbeat. I was 8 weeks. Dr. said there was a chance i could miscarry and called my pregnancy a threatened miscarriage. He put me on pelvic rest and said to take it easy. I finally stopped spotting and was progressing fine. Then about two weeks later, I started spotting again. It was like the first time but I was cramping. I went throughout the day trying to ignore the cramps because I was scared of miscarrying. Finally, about 10 p.m. that night I decided to go to the ER. I knew something wasn’t right.
My husband and I went to the ER and the dr. did an exam and ultrasound. I knew the ultrasound tech didn’t find a heartbeat. Later, the dr. came back and said there was not heartbeat and that I was measuring 8 weeks instead of 10 weeks. This was Feb. 7.
Two days later my OB dr. confirmed it and the next day I had a D&C. My due date would have been Sept. 6. We don’t know what happened. The baby had a good heartbeat than shortly after that first u/s something happened and the baby died.

Miscarriage #2
After the first miscarriage, my husband and I decided to try again right away. I got pregnant in May. Since we were afraid of having another miscarriage, we only told two of our friends. I couldn’t go through telling everyone again, if something bad was going to happen.
This time went to a high-risk OB/GY specialist to make sure I would be taken care of. The first dr. visit was wonderful. He did an ultrasound and found the sac and double wall. I was only 6 weeks. Due date Feb. 19, 2010. Because of the last miscarriage, my dr. blood work and found that I have a positive lupus antibody.
I felt more pregnant this time than last. I was sick, etc. During my second dr. visit, my dr. wanted to take a peak at the baby. I was scared because I knew we should be able to hear a heartbeat. The u/s showed that there was no heartbeat and no baby. We had the sac but no baby. My dr. called it a blighted ovum. Said something went wrong in fertilization. This was July 17 and I should have been 9 weeks. Two days later we did another D&C.

This is so frustrating to me because I have never had any female problems or health problems. My whole life, dr. have told me I shouldn’t have a problem getting pregnant or having a baby.
It’s especially hard right now because it is getting closer to my first due date. It seems like all I think about is wanting a baby and if I hadn’t had that first miscarriage I would be holding my own little one any day now.
My husband is hurting, also, but doesn’t really talk about it. Sometimes he will make a few comments about what he’s feeling but that’s it. He is supportive of me and tells me we will have a baby one day and that the third time’s the charm. I hope he’s right.
Now, we are waiting on my body to heal before trying again. I don’t think I can handle going through another loss.

Me (25), Husband (26), Married for 2 yrs, been together 7 yrs total, MC #1 2/09, MC #2 7/09

[squirrelgurl07]

I am so sorry to hear all of your stories. Mine's a little different.

On Dec. 13, 2004, I delivered a beautiful, healthy baby boy we named Harley. I had my tubes tied two weeks later. We got to take him home and a few weeks later I went back to work. On March 17, 2005, I dropped Bub and Heavyn (our daughter) off at the baby-sitter's and went to work. I left work at lunch time and was heading home when I received a call from my babysitter's house. She would call me if Heavyn would bump her head, so I thought nothing of it. It turned out to be a city police officer informing me that my Harley was not breathing and non-responsive and being rushed to the hospital. After driving like a maniac and calling all of our family, I arrived at the hospital. They had to shock him 3 times, but he had a heatbeat. He would be lifelined to Methodist Hospital in Indianapolis and the helicopter was on it's way. Arrangements were made and a caravan of cars headed to Indianapolis. My DH and I stayed with him all night. The next morning, March 18, 2005, 4 days after my 28th birthday, they told us he would never walk, talk, laugh, smile, or leave the hospital again. After disussing it, my DH and I decided that that would be no way for him to live and had them shut the machines off. 2 years later, I had my tubes untied and had a BFP in April 2008. The next day after my pg test, I started bleeding. The next week it was confirmed that I had mc. We're still ttc, but enjoying our little bit of Heavyn.

I lost my son to SIDS Heres many :hugs:

[*Nat*]

hello everyone,

i am new here and still trying to navigate the site. i am very sorry for all of your losses. i now know what it feels like to lose a baby.

we lost our daughter this week, on july 30th. i got pregnant around the first of the year, after only being off the pill for 1 cycle. we were excited and felt incredibly lucky that it happened so easily. i had a great, healthy pregnancy. i never even had morning sickness. the baby seemed strong and moved a lot. i noticed last sunday, 7/26, that she was too still. i was over 31 weeks by then. we went to the hospital and found that she no longer had a heartbeat. it was the most devastating moment of my life. i was induced that evening, and almost 4 days later, delivered a 3 lb 13 oz baby girl with lots of dark hair and dark eyes. we named her ava.

i don't know what to do with myself now. today is our first day home and it is incredibly hard. since i just delivered, i am trying to take it easy but sitting still is so hard. my husband is awesome but he gets to stay busy to distract himself. i know we will get through this somehow. we are both 30 and we will try again, but how do you know when it's right to do that? i have no idea what happened to ava and don't think i could go through this again.

thank you for allowing me a place to tell my story. my prayers are with all of you.

My story is very similiar to yours. If you want to talk, let me know.

As for trying again. It will be a long time before I try again. The most obvious is because I am young but even if I wasnt, personally, I am not ready to have another child.

Like you, I had the perfect pregnancy (maybe I was little stressed but nothing I couldn't handle) and I was overdue and my daughter died inside of me and I didnt even know. I always (like you and so many other moms) wonder if anything I could have done would have saved her.

It's been two years and I know I still have a lot of healing left.

[lukeskristie]

How do you ladies do it...live? I miss my Laython every moment. I've had to start on Zoloft to get my emotions under control. I have 5 other people that need me to not be crying at the blink of an eye. Ya'll are strong women and I am in awe of you all.

[*Nat*]

Sweetie, it's hard but it's very day by day. It's still very fresh for you but give it time.

:hugs:

If you need to talk, PM me.

[Krista07]

My story,
My DH and I have been married now for 2 years and just like many of you, we never thought we would have trouble starting a family...
Miscarriage1:
I was about 9 weeks along when I lost my little one and we had told the whole family, co-workers we were pregnant...This was in Nov. of 08 that we lost our little angel...

Miscarriage 2 :
After our first m/c I was really nervous but thought things may be different this time so we tried again, I again went through bleeding that started at nine weeks and I was put on bedrest...my little one stayed strong until 14 weeks and then we no longer detected a hb...This was in June of 09.
I know the sadness of going thru two m/c in a year and someday still have hope that I will be able to have a baby...It has gotten better but some days are hard...
My DH and I are currently testing to see if we can find any answers...I just don't know if I can go through another m/c again...

[amanda224]

My story,
My DH and I have been married now for 2 years and just like many of you, we never thought we would have trouble starting a family...
Miscarriage1:
I was about 9 weeks along when I lost my little one and we had told the whole family, co-workers we were pregnant...This was in Nov. of 08 that we lost our little angel...

Miscarriage 2 :
After our first m/c I was really nervous but thought things may be different this time so we tried again, I again went through bleeding that started at nine weeks and I was put on bedrest...my little one stayed strong until 14 weeks and then we no longer detected a hb...This was in June of 09.
I know the sadness of going thru two m/c in a year and someday still have hope that I will be able to have a baby...It has gotten better but some days are hard...
My DH and I are currently testing to see if we can find any answers...I just don't know if I can go through another m/c again...

Our experiences are very similar. I had my first m/c in Feb. 09 at 10 weeks, couldn't detect hb anymore than got pregnant again and had my second m/c in July 09 at 9 weeks, it was a blighted ovum.
I have the same saddness, hopes and fears that you are experiencing. I went through some testing but didn't find anything.
My DH and I are TTC again but I am excited and scared to death at the same time. I don't think I could go through another miscarriage either.
If you ever need to talk PM me.

[ClarisseMarie]

I realized I haven't put my story here yet. I apologize in advance, it's not a simple one to tell, and could get a bit lengthy.

I guess you could say our family planning started in August 2008 with my first surprise BFP. Prior to then, we hadn't even made the decision yet about having children. When we first got married we said we didn't want to have kids, but after a few years that began to slowly change. Well in December 2007 I went off BCPs and we decided to use natural family planning. We knew it was a little riskier than other methods, but also knew that if I got pregnant, we would be excited, and that is exactly what happened in August 2008. I remember being very confused when a few days later another HPT showed a BFN. I did a lot of online research and found this discussion board, where people suggested I may have had a chemical pregnancy. I called my doctor, and sure enough, that was correct. I was pretty upset about it.

I got my second surprise BFP in January 2009. After we thought we were going to have a baby and found out we weren't after all, we became less careful than before - instead of abstaining an entire week before ovulation, we were only abstaining about 3-4 days before. Even though we weren't planning to start actively TTC until January 2010 (since I graduate in Dec. 2009), I desperately wanted a baby and tested every month, hoping to get another surprise. When I saw that BFP my first reaction was shock, and then extreme excitement. We both were thrilled, but a little cautious in our hope this time since we knew about chemical pregnancies. The first trimester passed, and though I was still really nervous, I kept telling myself the danger was mostly over. The chances of anything going wrong at this point were so slim, there was no way it could happen to me. I was so wrong...

When I went in for my mid-pregnancy ultrasound, I got to hear those words no one ever wants to hear: "I need to go get a doctor". After a few very scary minutes, a NP came in and told me they were going to get me an emergency appointment with the perinatal center. My baby had basically no amniotic fluid and her growth was very delayed. When we went to the perinatal center we learned about all kinds of terrible things like Triploidy, Trisomy 18, etc. Everyone assumed it was likely to be chromosomal. I was told of how my baby could die at any minute in my womb because of cord compression due to no cushion of amniotic fluid.

Nearly 6 weeks later (and many appointments later), we went back for a follow-up appointment and the baby had grown enough to be viable outside the womb, at least in terms of size, so they recommended hospitalization for me so they could monitor the baby 24/7 and do an emergency c-section if needed. I went into the hospital 3 days later (I was now 26 weeks pregnant) where I remained for 8 weeks. My baby surprised all of them. She never had dangerous dips in her heart rate, and when babies have no fluid, they usually have several in a day. She moved a LOT, which also doesn't happen when babies have no fluid - it's the fluid that helps them move. We realized we had a little fighter in there. In the hospital we go to see and hear her all the time, and fell so much more in love. Since she was doing so well in utero, I really thought there was a good chance she would survive. I had all the faith and hope in the world.

34 weeks is when they usually induce for babies with too-little fluid. Since my baby had been doing so well inside of me, they had talked about letting me stay pregnant a few weeks longer. Well the ultimate decision was to induce at 34 weeks because they thought she was no longer growing (though she was bigger than they thought), and growth is the main thing babies do after 34 weeks - they are developed otherwise (except for some reflexes I think).

On August 26, 2009 the induction process began, and 48 hours later, on August 28, 2009 at 10:22 PM a beautiful baby girl named Madelyn Rebecca was born. She weighed 3 pounds 4 ounces and was 15 inches long. We aren't sure exactly when she died, but know it was in one of our arms. The time of death reported on the autopsy was 11:45 p.m., but before seeing that, I assumed it was sooner. She only seemed alive for 15-30 minutes. We buried her on September 5, 2009.

To everyone's surprise she had no chromosomal abnormalities. Her kidneys just never developed enough for her to start making amniotic fluid (babies take over this function in the 2nd trimester). We are still in the process of looking for answers as to why her kidneys didn't develop, and what that could mean for future babies.

I don't think we'll ever recover from losing Madelyn. She was so precious to us, and always will be. We will keep her with us always in our hearts.

[Shadybaby]

I haven't posted on here since I found out I was pregnant in July. I had laparoscopic surgery in May to have some mild endometriosis lesions removed and some scarring. After the surgery we waited for a month and started our second round of clomid. We found out we were pregnant with twins when I was 6 weeks pregnant. After being released by my RE, I started going to my ob/gyn for treatment. Everything was looking good, both babies were growing well, although my little girl was always a little smaller than her brother. She was 2 days younger than her brother.
Everything changed on October 1st. I had been experiencing some dull lower back pain all day during work but I thought nothing of it, I thought it was just the weight of the babies. When I got home that evening, the pain got worse and I could barely stand up. I ended up going to labor and delivery and they did an ultrasound and checked my babies heartbeats which were fine and they had plenty of fluid around them. They looked at my cervix on ultrasound and it was still long and closed. However, my back pain was getting and worse and I had even began to throw up. They sent me home with a diagnosis of a muscle strain in my back. Told me to use a heating pad and to take tylenol. I went home and did this but nothing was making the pain go away and I couldn't keep any food down. I ended up sleeping on the floor because that was the only way I could get comfortable and make my back feel a little better.
The next day the pain started feeling a little better but I didn't feel like my normal self. I went to the store but stayed in for the remainder of the day. When I woke up the next morning, I felt leakage in my underwear like was leaking a little bit of urine. I called the doctor and was told to go to labor and delivery. We went and when the NP checked my cervix, she had a look on her face that told me something was very wrong. She told me I was leaking amniotic fluid and that I had dilated 2 cm. She said she was sorry but that more than likely I would lose my babies. My husband and I just cried, cried, cried. They gave me the option of terminating or going on bedrest. I choose bedrest and they admitted me to monitor the babies. Everything still looked good with the babies, they hadn't loss any fluid and they still had strong heartbeats so the next day they discharged me home to stay on bedrest. When I woke up the next morning and went to use the bathroom my water broke. We ended up back in the hospital and this time when they did an ultrasound, twin A ( my little girl) had lost a lot of fluid but she still had a strong heartbeat. Her brother was fine. He had plenty of fluid, a strong heartbeat and he was moving like nothing was wrong.
Then my doctor came in and explained to me that even if I tried to stay on bedrest until I made 24 weeks the likelihood of my angels surviving was slim to none. She said I could stay on bedrest with hopes that the bag would reseal itself or I could deliver my babies. She gave me the third choose to terminate the pregnancy so that I wouldn't have to go thorough delivery. I couldn't go through giving birth to them emotionally so I decided to have the D&E. I loss my angels on October 7th. As the days go by I can't help but wonder what might have been but I believe god has a plan and for whatever reason my babies were needed up above more than here on earth.
I can't really imagine getting pregnant anytime soon but at the age of 35 I don't want to wait too long. This has been one big emotional roller coaster but I pray everyday that the pain will subside.

[misfit]

I just read through all of these and it was very heartbreaking. Here's my story:
I always had the fear that I would have infertility issues and for the most part I believe it stemmed from that fact that I was never careful with my exBF and he got his new g/f pregnant right off the bat. DH and I married July 12, 2007 and I went off birth control that month. I found out I was pregnant Nov. 5, 2007 and joined the boards shortly after. I had a pretty uneventful pregnancy and my son was born July 3, 2008. Initially we did not want to get pregnant right away so I started BC in August just to bleed the entire pack of pills and at that point decided I didnt want to continue on BC pills. We went NPP in September even though I was hoping to get pregnant, then TTC in October. I finally ended up pregnant my February cycle (started late January). I was in shock when I saw the BFP but it was incredibly faint. Took 6 days before I got a positive digital. My HCG levels rose lowly. It was 13 on 3/2/09 when they first few blood and that was 4 days after I first got a positive test. It was 205 on 3/9/09 and I was ecstatic. I'd had spotting the first weekend after my very faint positive but I tried to ignore it. 3/18/09 I started to spot- brown first, then pink, then red. I called the oncall DR who said to take tylenol and rest. On 3/19/09 I could not focus at work and afterwords drove straight the ER. I needed answers. The physical exam showed that the bleeding could be from my cervix, it was irritated. But when my numbers came back it wasnt good. They were 134. I was miscarrying. Waiting in that exam room I heard the baby music play over the intercom and it was so hard fighting back those tears. When I got out to the van I broke down sobbing, I hit the steering wheel. It was so hard. I started bleeding heavily and cramping badly the next morning. I just got my BFP again 10/5/09 and I've had some brown/pink spotting, but my HCG is good so far. I'm hoping this is a sticky bean. I already broke down crying the night I thought it was over but its just a waiting game now.

[klt1216]

I stopped taking the pill in November 2007, one month before our 1 year wedding anniversary. I never thought TTC was be this difficult for us. We haven't really stressed over it, but each time AF comes I know my husband is disappointed. Well, on my birthday this year (Sept. 26) I noticed some weird spotting/discharge on my underware, this was about a week before AF was supposed to come. I thought it could possibly be implantation bleeding, but didn't think much of it. I was supposed to start on a Monday and when I hadn't started by Friday I just couldn't wait any longer and I decided to take a test. Right away it showed the negative sign so I threw it in the cabinet and went to eat breakfast. I went to check it again right before I left for work and it was a BFP! I called the dr. to schedule an appointment as soon as I got to work. I hadn't planned on telling my husband until after I went to the doctor, but he asked me when I was supposed to start on the way home from dinner that night! I was caught off guard and I didn't have a little white lie prepared so I didn't really say anything, but I started crying. He asked why, I said I was late, he asked if I had taken a test and I said yes and then he just grinned from ear to ear. He knew what that meant and he was so excited.

I went to the doctor that next Wednesday and she said I was due June 9th, which is our nephew's birthday so my brother and sister-in-law were excited about that. Brad told his parents, but I didn't want to tell mine because we were all going away for the weekend together and I wanted to tell them in person.

So I made it to Friday when my parents, my brother, sister and her family were all together. I took a picture of the BFP and was pretending to show them some pictures when they saw it. Everyone was so excited and crying. My mom sent a text to all her friends before I knew it.

The next day, while we were taking a tour of a ranch together I started spotting a little. I didn't have any pain so I didn't think anything of it. I didn't tell my family because I didn't want to alarm anyone. I continue to spot over the weekend and on Monday morning when I got up to go to the bathroom there was an abnormal looking clot in the toilet. I knew right away something wasn't right so I called the doctor. She did an exam, an u/s which showed nothing and blood work. She said she wanted me to come in again on Wednesday and have more blood work done to compare my hormone levels.

I met my husband for lunch, but of course couldn't eat. I told him what had happened and he said we shouldn't worry until Wednesday when I go back. I called my mom and sister to prepare them for possible bad news on Wednesday. After I went back to the doctor they called me that afternoon to tell me my levels had gone from 137 to 40. So on one Wednesday I was at the dr. getting great news and one week later got horrible news. Needless to say we were heart broken. My husband really took it bad, but our friends and family have been so supportive. We are truly blessed with that.

I'm sorry this is so long and I thought about not posting it because I knew it would be so long, but it does really help to share. The doctor said there is no relation between almost 2 years TTC and this miscarriage. I'm sure most of you know, but most doctors won't even do any kind of testing until after your 3rd miscarriage, but I don't know if I can go through this 2 more times. The doctor said we can start trying after my next period, but I'm not sure right now if I'm ready to do that either. I guess time will tell. Thanks for listening and I will continue to pray for all of us.

[Paula+1]

Hello,
I've had 3 losses, first when I was 23 due to a violent act upon me. Then 2 years ago only days after a bfp, and now today at 6 weeks 1 day. I have a d&c tomorrow. I still grieve about the first, the second I barely had time to know and I know it was God's way of taking something that couldn't survive. This one is very upsetting for several reasons, it was my last chance to have a baby as I am having major surgery next year and after that having children is not possible and really I can't go through this again. I feel very guilty and sad and angry. I know it could have been a million reasons why, but when ttc, I went over all the medications I was taking and the ob ok'd them, then at my appt today the other ob at the office told me 2 are Cat C and one a Cat D.
I'm sorry that this ever has to happen. If children are a gift, why are they taken away?

[misfit]

I'm sorry hun. 3 losses is rough (isnt this 4-you had one in May too?). Just remember we are here for you.

[MichelleTheAuthor]

Hello, my name is Michelle and I am married to a wonderful man named Ron.

It's been five years since I lost my precious Sarah at 16 weeks gestation. I found out on my birthday (November 25th) that I was pregnant with her, and it's that time of year again.

I am blessed with other children, and I am very thankful for them. But no one says Sarah's name in my real life. No one remembers, unless they see me too quiet, then they guess that might be why. So November 25th is almost here and I'll be another year older...another year without Sarah.

But this year, I want Sarah to know that my birthday is the day I'm glad I was born, so I could experience being her mommy...even if it was only for 16 short weeks.

Nice to meet you all,
Michelle

[AGDiaz]

Hi Michelle,
I am Anabel I lost a son, he was born on Nov 29th and this would have been his first year...I think of him every single day but like you everybody seems to have forgotten about him. Lots of hugs to you.

[MichelleTheAuthor]

Hi Michelle,
I am Anabel I lost a son, he was born on Nov 29th and this would have been his first year...I think of him every single day but like you everybody seems to have forgotten about him. Lots of hugs to you.

Hugs to you Anabel,and thanks for understanding. Sorry for the loss of your little one. I'll be thinking of you and saying a prayer for your day on the 29th.

[mommaduck]

Hello my name is Alicia. I'm 23 and I just lost our first baby just a few days ago.
My husband and I have been married for just over a year and a half but we have been together for over 5 years. In May we decided that we would start trying. Finally after trying for months with each AF being dissapointing but understood (My husband and I have opposite shifts and hectic schedules that would subside before the baby got here). Finally on December 1st we found out that we were in fact pregnant. I couldn't believe it, I took 3 pregnancy tests that were all positive! We were elated and found creative ways to tell our families at various parties before the Christmas holiday.
We went in for our first appointment with no worries at all on December 22. I had small amounts of cramping but not horribly worried. To most I would have had a picture perfect pregnancy. We spoke with the Doctor as we anticipated our Ultrasound. We went in and watched as she searched for the baby's heartbeat. There was a little bean there, in the perfect spot but she said that the little one was measuring at 6 weeks 3 days instead of the 7 weeks 3 days we had calculated out. We were nervous but not horribly as the machine was old and we were told that its not uncommon for this to happen. The Doctor set us up for a US at a Women's Imaging Center to get a better look.
We went in the next day we went to the imaging center but the tech could not find a heart beat using 3 different techniques. The tech also said that the baby was actually measuring at 7 weeks 1 day. The imaging center told us to go home and wait for a call from my Doctor's office. The office had me come in that afternoon and we decided to go ahead with the D&C since I didn't want to have to go through the stress of waiting to pass the m/c on my own. And shortly after that I was in the OR prep room getting ready to have the procedure
We have had great family support as it all happened just a day before Christmas Eve. We are all taking this in stride as tough as it is. We know that we can get pregnant. We do want to try again a few months after we get the green light.

[MrsB]

Well here goes...

Our lil guy was just over 2 when we started trying again. After 7 months I got my BFP! I had implantation spotting just like I did with Landon and 2 days later got my positive test. We went for an ultrasound at 8 weeks and they said I was measuring 7 weeks 4 days. I should have sensed this was a problem since I know when I implanted and I figured I should have been measuring 8 weeks 2 days. But there was a strong heartbeat and everything looked well.

At 9 weeks I was amazed that I had started getting my energy back. This didn't happen til the 2nd trimester during my pregnancy with Landon. I took it as a sign that the baby was healthy and growing and the placenta was in place.

Thursday I went for my normally scheduled OB appointment (I was 11 weeks). I told the doc I started feeling good at 9 weeks and he was surprised saying it usually takes longer with the 2nd pregnancy. then he pulled out the doppler and couldn't hear the heartbeat. He assurred me that everything was most-likely fine but gave me 3 options...1) come back in 4 weeks and we'll do it again, 2) come back in 2 weeks and we'll do it again or 3) go get an ultrasound. I knew I wouldn't be able to sleep, eat or function if I didn't get the ultrasound so I went for it.

The tech couldn't find the heartbeat on the belly ultrasound so told me to go empty my bladder and we'll do a vaginal. There was my baby and I could see my baby's heart but no heartbeat. I remember at the 8 week ultrasound the heart looked like a butterfly, flapping its wings up and down. In that ultrasound room it just sat, lifeless.

It took a couple minutes to really sink in and then I just started shaking and quivering. I called DH at work and told him to get to the hospital. The ultrasound tech walked me back up to my doc's office and he just opened the back door, put his arm around me and walked me to his office.

Once I calmed down we talked about my options. I had a D&E that night.

I am sitting here trying to figure it all out. The baby measured 9 weeks... so right when I started feeling better the baby died. I am glad I found out at the doctor's office but it is sooooooooo hard. We had told quite a few people so we are getting just as many "I'm Sorry's" ... I know that's what people say but I don't want to hear it. I know there was something wrong but I just want to know what and why... 2 things I will never figure out. God gained an angel Thursday night. I cry at different times throughout the day. I guess I am coping, healing.

My doc told me this happens 15-20% of the time. He said when I start telling people I will hear people say "it happened to me". It's so true. Of the 20 people I told I have heard from 7 already that it has happened to them. And they all went on to have healthy, happy kids in the future.

[mcangie]

Well here goes...

Our lil guy was just over 2 when we started trying again. After 7 months I got my BFP! I had implantation spotting just like I did with Landon and 2 days later got my positive test. We went for an ultrasound at 8 weeks and they said I was measuring 7 weeks 4 days. I should have sensed this was a problem since I know when I implanted and I figured I should have been measuring 8 weeks 2 days. But there was a strong heartbeat and everything looked well.

At 9 weeks I was amazed that I had started getting my energy back. This didn't happen til the 2nd trimester during my pregnancy with Landon. I took it as a sign that the baby was healthy and growing and the placenta was in place.

Thursday I went for my normally scheduled OB appointment (I was 11 weeks). I told the doc I started feeling good at 9 weeks and he was surprised saying it usually takes longer with the 2nd pregnancy. then he pulled out the doppler and couldn't hear the heartbeat. He assurred me that everything was most-likely fine but gave me 3 options...1) come back in 4 weeks and we'll do it again, 2) come back in 2 weeks and we'll do it again or 3) go get an ultrasound. I knew I wouldn't be able to sleep, eat or function if I didn't get the ultrasound so I went for it.

The tech couldn't find the heartbeat on the belly ultrasound so told me to go empty my bladder and we'll do a vaginal. There was my baby and I could see my baby's heart but no heartbeat. I remember at the 8 week ultrasound the heart looked like a butterfly, flapping its wings up and down. In that ultrasound room it just sat, lifeless.

It took a couple minutes to really sink in and then I just started shaking and quivering. I called DH at work and told him to get to the hospital. The ultrasound tech walked me back up to my doc's office and he just opened the back door, put his arm around me and walked me to his office.

Once I calmed down we talked about my options. I had a D&E that night.

I am sitting here trying to figure it all out. The baby measured 9 weeks... so right when I started feeling better the baby died. I am glad I found out at the doctor's office but it is sooooooooo hard. We had told quite a few people so we are getting just as many "I'm Sorry's" ... I know that's what people say but I don't want to hear it. I know there was something wrong but I just want to know what and why... 2 things I will never figure out. God gained an angel Thursday night. I cry at different times throughout the day. I guess I am coping, healing.

My doc told me this happens 15-20% of the time. He said when I start telling people I will hear people say "it happened to me". It's so true. Of the 20 people I told I have heard from 7 already that it has happened to them. And they all went on to have healthy, happy kids in the future.

I'm so sorry for your loss. I had a very similar experience the first week of February except I had some bright red spotting and went in a few days before my scheduled appointment. PM me if you need to talk. Many hugs and prayers for you!!!

:hugs:

~Angie

[Marquette Fan]

Well here goes...

Our lil guy was just over 2 when we started trying again. After 7 months I got my BFP! I had implantation spotting just like I did with Landon and 2 days later got my positive test. We went for an ultrasound at 8 weeks and they said I was measuring 7 weeks 4 days. I should have sensed this was a problem since I know when I implanted and I figured I should have been measuring 8 weeks 2 days. But there was a strong heartbeat and everything looked well.

At 9 weeks I was amazed that I had started getting my energy back. This didn't happen til the 2nd trimester during my pregnancy with Landon. I took it as a sign that the baby was healthy and growing and the placenta was in place.

Thursday I went for my normally scheduled OB appointment (I was 11 weeks). I told the doc I started feeling good at 9 weeks and he was surprised saying it usually takes longer with the 2nd pregnancy. then he pulled out the doppler and couldn't hear the heartbeat. He assurred me that everything was most-likely fine but gave me 3 options...1) come back in 4 weeks and we'll do it again, 2) come back in 2 weeks and we'll do it again or 3) go get an ultrasound. I knew I wouldn't be able to sleep, eat or function if I didn't get the ultrasound so I went for it.

The tech couldn't find the heartbeat on the belly ultrasound so told me to go empty my bladder and we'll do a vaginal. There was my baby and I could see my baby's heart but no heartbeat. I remember at the 8 week ultrasound the heart looked like a butterfly, flapping its wings up and down. In that ultrasound room it just sat, lifeless.

It took a couple minutes to really sink in and then I just started shaking and quivering. I called DH at work and told him to get to the hospital. The ultrasound tech walked me back up to my doc's office and he just opened the back door, put his arm around me and walked me to his office.

Once I calmed down we talked about my options. I had a D&E that night.

I am sitting here trying to figure it all out. The baby measured 9 weeks... so right when I started feeling better the baby died. I am glad I found out at the doctor's office but it is sooooooooo hard. We had told quite a few people so we are getting just as many "I'm Sorry's" ... I know that's what people say but I don't want to hear it. I know there was something wrong but I just want to know what and why... 2 things I will never figure out. God gained an angel Thursday night. I cry at different times throughout the day. I guess I am coping, healing.

My doc told me this happens 15-20% of the time. He said when I start telling people I will hear people say "it happened to me". It's so true. Of the 20 people I told I have heard from 7 already that it has happened to them. And they all went on to have healthy, happy kids in the future.
I'm so sorry for your loss - :hugs:

I wish there wasn't a need for this room.

[MrsB]

I'm so sorry for your loss. I had a very similar experience the first week of February except I had some bright red spotting and went in a few days before my scheduled appointment. PM me if you need to talk. Many hugs and prayers for you!!!

:hugs:

~Angie

Thank you!


I'm so sorry for your loss - :hugs:

I wish there wasn't a need for this room.

and Thank You! If someone told me in 2006 when I joined the APA that I would be visiting this room in 2010 I would have never believed them. I had never come in here before cause I didn't know what everyone was going through and didn't want to pretend I did. Now I know all too well and it seems that this is one of the few rooms I have visited the last couple days :(

[Marquette Fan]

and Thank You! If someone told me in 2006 when I joined the APA that I would be visiting this room in 2010 I would have never believed them. I had never come in here before cause I didn't know what everyone was going through and didn't want to pretend I did. Now I know all too well and it seems that this is one of the few rooms I have visited the last couple days :(
Yeah sometimes life doesn't go as planned unfortunately as I've discovered recently. I never imagined that I'd be trying IUI again one year after the first time much less doing it b/c my son died :(.

I haven't had a pregnancy loss before but I would think any loss is hard - :hugs:

[travsgirl]

This page is amazing! After having my first miscarriage last week at 10 weeks this is very helpful! This pain is emotionally and physically the most I have experienced in my 28 years of living and am glad there are women in the world who are brave enough to share with me. So thank you! And know moving forward is all we can do...we are women our strength is unmeasurable!

[kpzibell]

Hello, my name is Krissy. I am 32 and am married to a wonderful man, Walter, who is 35. Here is our history.

In September 2007 my husband and I found out that we were pregnant for the first time. We were so excited! I had implantation bleeding and morning nausea. About a week later I started heavy bleeding. I went to the doctor immediately and had the full workup. At that time we were only about 6 weeks along. Had the ultrasound and saw the heartbeat, so my worries went down tremendously. I did bed rest the entire weekend and had my OB workup the following week. I went in for my exam and the doctor decided to do another US just to show me all was well. Turns out there was no baby at all!! I had miscarried during the heavy bleeding, even though I saw a heartbeat and the doctor told me I was fine. I had tons of labs done, but no real answers came from them. I was told that miscarriages just sometimes happen. Ok. (Did I mention that my father died the week prior to my OB visit, so I thought that some massive stress is what caused my miscarriage). The doctors think I made it to about week 7.

A few months later we were pregnant again. Wonderful! Same as the last pregnancy. Implantation spotting & nausea full on. A little nervous because of my history but I try to stay calm. Several weeks later the heavy bleeding starts again. I rush to the doctor, they do an US, see the heartbeat, say all is OK, and send me home. The bleeding lasts for 5 days. I go back to the doctor for the follow up and just know that I've miscarried. (All of energy was back up and nausea was gone). The doctor does some blood work (quant Hcg) and sure enough I had miscarried again. This time we made it to week 8.

Walter and I took some time off for just us. We starting TTC later in 2008 and in April 2009 we were pregnant. Woo Hoo! After the 2nd miscarriage bloodwork, the drs thought they knew what was going on. I had a low progesterone level. So the cure? Take Prometrium (progesterone). Ok. Well I did. I had to have US's every 2 weeks to follow the progress of the pregnancy, annoying but I would do anything to ensure the outcome. I go for my 8 week US and find out that the babies are fine. Yes, I am pregnant with twins. Holy crap is about the only thing I can say. After the initial shock, I am elated. All is going fine. At week 10 I noticed a brownish discharge and think nothing of it because I have an appt for the next day for an US. My husband and I go to the appt and the tech cannot find a heartbeat on either baby. After about an hour (rude and annoying) the doctor comes in the room to deliver the news that I've just had my 3rd miscarriage. I decide to do a D&C because honestly I couldn't imagine waiting to miscarry naturally. I have the D&C the next day and am set up with a specialist for follow up.

I go see the maternal/fetal specialist and they do tons of more labs. Apparantly they do not consider people to have a problem continuing a pregnancy until you've had atleast 3 miscarriages. Well wonderful for me! The doctors finally think they have an answer, I have phosphalipid antibodies, they think. The treatment for that is to take 2 aspirins daily. (If my condition gets worse it could mean injecting anticoagulants daily). This all happened in June 09. So after we got the green light to start TTC again we've been doing exactly that. Well now I'm not ovulating. My GYN thinks that it's due to my D&C...a year ago. So I've been trying to get pregnant for a year and the whole time I'm not ovulating!!! Now I'm on fertilty medicine to try to help that. So please keep us in your prayers that this medicine will work and I'll be on my way to having some babies.

I know that my post is very long, but there are not a whole lot of people in my life that understand what I'm going through. I want kids so very badly and, at 32, feel like it's never going to happen. So thank you for all who read this. I really appreciate it and am glad to talk to people that understand what I'm going through.

Krissy[/FONT]

[darkwater]

Greetings! Sorry to be in this forum, but glad to be among those who share my experience. Had my first doctor's appointment yesterday, my very first pregnancy. At 8 1/2 weeks, the embryo was only the size of a 6 week old...no heart beating, just a sac and something called the fetal pole showing on the sonogram. No way to tell when it began to decline, but it had to have gotten to at least 6 weeks of development, maybe even 7 or 8 weeks, and has been in decline anywhere from a couple of weeks to a few days. Not any real alarming clues that this was happening, just had a bad feeling about it though, some spotting of both brownish and red-tinged blood and this odd little pain in my back for a few days.

Not bleeding other than a random spot or two and not in pain, but going ahead with a D&C on Friday so that I can heal from this and start over. Wow, how to start over at 41? It took 4 years of unprotected sex to have one pregnancy and I have no money for fertility treatments (been to an RE several times this past year). Really doubting if I have another good egg in me at this age (though my FSH was a 3 so maybe I do), where odds of getting pregnant each month is in the single digits. With all my underlying health issues and age, I don't have another 4 years, was supposed to have a hysterectomy already and this pregnancy seemed to drop out of heaven, but hoping God will help me heal to procreate another day. I beat the odds once, maybe I will do so again.

I thought I had been rescued from the childlessness that I thought was my fate, but now everything is in doubt. At least I know that I can get pregnant, but staying pregnant is a whole other hurdle to get over. Praying for another shot at it.

Reading all your stories does help and gives me hope, so thanks to everyone and wishing that you all find a balm for your private grief and me for mine.

[mcangie]

Hello, my name is Krissy. I am 32 and am married to a wonderful man, Walter, who is 35. Here is our history.

In September 2007 my husband and I found out that we were pregnant for the first time. We were so excited! I had implantation bleeding and morning nausea. About a week later I started heavy bleeding. I went to the doctor immediately and had the full workup. At that time we were only about 6 weeks along. Had the ultrasound and saw the heartbeat, so my worries went down tremendously. I did bed rest the entire weekend and had my OB workup the following week. I went in for my exam and the doctor decided to do another US just to show me all was well. Turns out there was no baby at all!! I had miscarried during the heavy bleeding, even though I saw a heartbeat and the doctor told me I was fine. I had tons of labs done, but no real answers came from them. I was told that miscarriages just sometimes happen. Ok. (Did I mention that my father died the week prior to my OB visit, so I thought that some massive stress is what caused my miscarriage). The doctors think I made it to about week 7.

A few months later we were pregnant again. Wonderful! Same as the last pregnancy. Implantation spotting & nausea full on. A little nervous because of my history but I try to stay calm. Several weeks later the heavy bleeding starts again. I rush to the doctor, they do an US, see the heartbeat, say all is OK, and send me home. The bleeding lasts for 5 days. I go back to the doctor for the follow up and just know that I've miscarried. (All of energy was back up and nausea was gone). The doctor does some blood work (quant Hcg) and sure enough I had miscarried again. This time we made it to week 8.

Walter and I took some time off for just us. We starting TTC later in 2008 and in April 2009 we were pregnant. Woo Hoo! After the 2nd miscarriage bloodwork, the drs thought they knew what was going on. I had a low progesterone level. So the cure? Take Prometrium (progesterone). Ok. Well I did. I had to have US's every 2 weeks to follow the progress of the pregnancy, annoying but I would do anything to ensure the outcome. I go for my 8 week US and find out that the babies are fine. Yes, I am pregnant with twins. Holy crap is about the only thing I can say. After the initial shock, I am elated. All is going fine. At week 10 I noticed a brownish discharge and think nothing of it because I have an appt for the next day for an US. My husband and I go to the appt and the tech cannot find a heartbeat on either baby. After about an hour (rude and annoying) the doctor comes in the room to deliver the news that I've just had my 3rd miscarriage. I decide to do a D&C because honestly I couldn't imagine waiting to miscarry naturally. I have the D&C the next day and am set up with a specialist for follow up.

I go see the maternal/fetal specialist and they do tons of more labs. Apparantly they do not consider people to have a problem continuing a pregnancy until you've had atleast 3 miscarriages. Well wonderful for me! The doctors finally think they have an answer, I have phosphalipid antibodies, they think. The treatment for that is to take 2 aspirins daily. (If my condition gets worse it could mean injecting anticoagulants daily). This all happened in June 09. So after we got the green light to start TTC again we've been doing exactly that. Well now I'm not ovulating. My GYN thinks that it's due to my D&C...a year ago. So I've been trying to get pregnant for a year and the whole time I'm not ovulating!!! Now I'm on fertilty medicine to try to help that. So please keep us in your prayers that this medicine will work and I'll be on my way to having some babies.

I know that my post is very long, but there are not a whole lot of people in my life that understand what I'm going through. I want kids so very badly and, at 32, feel like it's never going to happen. So thank you for all who read this. I really appreciate it and am glad to talk to people that understand what I'm going through.

Krissy[/FONT]


:hugs: I'm so sorry for your losses. Many prayers that the meds will help and you will get your sticky BFP!


~Angie

[mcangie]

Greetings! Sorry to be in this forum, but glad to be among those who share my experience. Had my first doctor's appointment yesterday, my very first pregnancy. At 8 1/2 weeks, the embryo was only the size of a 6 week old...no heart beating, just a sac and something called the fetal pole showing on the sonogram. No way to tell when it began to decline, but it had to have gotten to at least 6 weeks of development, maybe even 7 or 8 weeks, and has been in decline anywhere from a couple of weeks to a few days. Not any real alarming clues that this was happening, just had a bad feeling about it though, some spotting of both brownish and red-tinged blood and this odd little pain in my back for a few days.

Not bleeding other than a random spot or two and not in pain, but going ahead with a D&C on Friday so that I can heal from this and start over. Wow, how to start over at 41? It took 4 years of unprotected sex to have one pregnancy and I have no money for fertility treatments (been to an RE several times this past year). Really doubting if I have another good egg in me at this age (though my FSH was a 3 so maybe I do), where odds of getting pregnant each month is in the single digits. With all my underlying health issues and age, I don't have another 4 years, was supposed to have a hysterectomy already and this pregnancy seemed to drop out of heaven, but hoping God will help me heal to procreate another day. I beat the odds once, maybe I will do so again.

I thought I had been rescued from the childlessness that I thought was my fate, but now everything is in doubt. At least I know that I can get pregnant, but staying pregnant is a whole other hurdle to get over. Praying for another shot at it.

Reading all your stories does help and gives me hope, so thanks to everyone and wishing that you all find a balm for your private grief and me for mine.

I'm so sorry for your loss! Many :hugs: during this difficult time.

~Angie

[kpzibell]

I am so sorry for your loss. I am in a similar boat, but have lost 3 pregnancies so far. I will keep you in my prayers that God will bless you with a little one. I had to have one D&C, it wasn't bad and not a lot of pain afterwards.

[katbragg]

Hi ladies, my name is Katherine and here's my story.

My husband and I got pregnant the very first month we TTC with my daughter, which she is just about to turn 2 in Sept. Totally normal pregnancy. We decided to try again. Well we got pregnant again the very first month and I took a + hpt on July 29th. I had my first dr appt August 5th, and they said I had low progrestrone levels of 12. They put me on a progrestrone supplement and to repeat my blood work again. Well the day after I had my blood work retaken they called and said my progestrone levels were up to 51.0, but I had started bleeding. They wanted me to come in and have an u/s. They didn't see anything on the u/s, so it was determined that I had had a chemical pregnancy. This is our first loss, and I'm not for sure how to handle it. I know that it's wasn't meant to be, because God didn't want it to be, and I would much rather have something happen this early than to happen 3 or 4 months down the road. It's just something that you never really thought would happen to you, but when it does, it's devestating. Well we are going to wait until my cycle gets back on track and start TTC again. So keeping my fingers crossed everything goes like it should. Thanks for letting me tell my story.

[eenchoo]

I'm very sorry for your loss Katherine :hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:I wouldn't wish this pain on my worst enemy!

[Angel_Marie1989]

Hello all my name is Angel Mendoza. I am 21 years old and have recentally went threw not 1 but 2 terriable heartbreaks one right after another! On June 24, 2009 i was 6 1/2 months pregante with my beautiful daughter Nevaeh Marie Mendoza well on the night on June 23rd i started hurting really bad and all at once started pouring of blood i was rushed to the hospital just to be treated so wrong and be kept sitting and waiting in an emergancy room for 1 hour begging for help bleeding and contracting with my baby girl slowly dieing inside of me the nurses there did not care! well long story short the next day at 12:08pm i gave birth to my little girl and after 5 short hours i lost her in the palm of my hand! well the doctor i had at the time really messed me up for life! he would not take care of me good and left me walking around for almost a month with pieces of the placenta growing inside of me destorying my insides i ended up going threw 5 dnc surgurys before he finally got it out i had to ALMOST go threw a hysterectomay well from his carlessness all them surgurys caused him to cut out ALL my mucles down there and i can not hold babies in without stiching i now have an incomptant cervix i found out the diganosis 7 SHORT moths later when i was preg with my second little girl Sophia everything was going fine and i had to pee real bad and she just slipped right out of me and i was holding her halfway inside of me while being rushed to the hospital by the emergancy squad and 12 hours later i had to give birth to her at only 5 1/2 months just for her to pass away slowly as well! so my question is there anyone out there who has an incompatant cervix who is willing to give me some advice on the whole stiching thing im so scared and CAN NOT go threw the pain of burrying another baby beside its baby sisters! with the stiching done will i still lose the next baby PLEASE HELP ME OUT

[auntie2monkeyman]

My name is Chelsea and as you can see I had 3 miscarriages back to back. I'm still not able to fully talk about them. But I just wanted to share my story in hopes of having someone to talk to and helping someone else.

[jodlee6]

My husband and I lost our firstborn daughter during the early morning hours of Sunday, Sept 26, 2010 just 5 hours after having her. Here's my story...

I started having contractions on Fri night (on Sun, I would've been 41 weeks). I was able to sleep from about 10p-2a. My water broke at home and we got to the hospital at around 5:40 pm. Everything was progressing as expected until the baby's heart rate started to drop. The midwife tried to put me in different positions, but nothing really worked so the midwife called for an emergency c-section. When we got down to the OR, the nurse went to put in my catheter when she realized that Alayna's head was showing...so, change of plans. I delivered vaginally (and drug free!) in the OR at 8:35. Alayna was perfectly healthy...7lbs 14 oz, 20 in. My husband missed her actual birth as he was put in a waiting room since he wasn't allowed in the OR since it was an emergency c-section. He walked in just after she was born.

We were able to hold her and I nursed her before they took her down to the nursery to do their thing. Shortly after she came back to our room, our family left. All was going well, but she was getting fussy. At about midnight, I called for a nurse to help me get her latched on. This time, she wouldn't latch on the normal way with me sitting up or with me doing the "football hold" so the nurse had us side lay...success! We think the nurse probably left a little before 12:30 and Paul thinks we both fell asleep at 1ish. Around 1:30, another nurse came in (I think to get Alayna for routine blood work the pediatrician had ordered). I remember waking up, her asking me a question, and her taking Alayna in a panic. Next thing I know, a code was being called. We had no clue what was going on, but I just knew it wasn't good. Around 2:00, the ER doctor and 2 OB nurses came in to tell us the horrific news. They worked on her for 14 minutes, but were unable to bring her back...she was pronounced at 1:47 a.m. on 9/26. They had to call in the coroner and we weren't able to touch/hold her again. We said our goodbyes through the nursery glass window. Needless to say, my life will never be the same.

My first thought after the nurse took her was "Oh my God. What did I do? Did I roll on top of her? Did I suffocate her?" Unfortunately, I was partially right. The autopsy came back listing the cause of death as "overlaying" which is basically suffocation. From what I've researched, it's normally caused when an adult rolls on top of a child. But, from what the nurse said, she found Alayna lying next to me with her head turned down into me and the mattress. (They think that she came unlatched and rolled in toward me--I believe a pillow was behind her back helping to prop her up so she probably wasn't able to roll onto her back.) This helped relieve a little guilt since I wasn't physically on top of her. But, I struggle with the fact that she was next to me, couldn't breathe, and I didn't know it because I was sleeping. It's a constant struggle for me... I'll always wonder why she didn't cry or turn her head...or why I didn't know she couldn't breathe.

I know things like this are very, very rare. Mothers co-sleep with their babies all the time...they nurse in bed and fall asleep and everything is just fine. However, that wasn't intention. My only intention was to feed my child. Instead, I struggle with the guilt that I played a huge role in my child's death.

I just want people to realize that things like this do happen. I want them to realize that they need to be extremely careful if they choose to do this...especially with an infant who can't roll out of the way. They need to find a way to stay awake...sit up in a hard chair, keep the lights/radio/tv on, make their husband talk to them...do something. I'm just hoping that my story will maybe one day save another family from the nightmare I am living.

[eenchoo]

I'm very sorry for your loss.:comfort:

[poohbearkrazy]

Jodlee, I'm so incredibly sorry for your loss :(. It's not your fault, please don't blame yourself. (((HUGS)))

[ljs318]

Jodlee6, I am so very, very sorry for your loss. Many, many HUGS to you!

[Kidra Risirthid]

So, I was about 6 weeks pregnant (and had no clue) until yesterday, when I started having horrible cramps. I'm on the pill, and I was 3 days into the sugar pills without having a period. I started bleeding, so I figured I'd put in a tampon as usual and go on with my day. By the time I got to my sister's orchestra concert I was doubled over in pain, near to tears, trying to keep my composure to support her. And I mean, come on, it's just cramps, I can handle this.
Then I got home and my boyfriend came over. I went to the restroom and removed my tampon. Along with it came this nasty, fleshy thing that looked similar to dead clams I used to see in the lake. At first I was like "what the hell?" Then I started thinking. For several weeks I'd been showing symptoms of pregnancy. Then I was like "sh!t, I just miscarried, what am I gonna do?" So, being me, I flushed it, cleaned up, and went back into the living room like nothing had happened. I later told the father (My boyfriend) and he is being very supportive.

But my problem is, even though I know I do not want a child yet, I could not have taken care of it, and I am batter off without it, I can't help but keep thinking "It was far along enough to have a heart beat. I didn't know and by not knowing I didn't take care of it and that little heart beat stopped and I just flushed it away like nothing." It also is kind of ironic that it happened 2 days before mothers day...

So, that's my story.

[Heavynsmommy]

How do you ladies do it...live? I miss my Laython every moment. I've had to start on Zoloft to get my emotions under control. I have 5 other people that need me to not be crying at the blink of an eye. Ya'll are strong women and I am in awe of you all.

I wouldn't say that I was always strong. I was on the edge and suicidal when Harley first died and was also on Zoloft. I just had to keep telling myself that I had a daughter that needed her mommy. It's never OK that you lost a child, but it does get easier. It's been 6 years since I lost my boy and I still have times where depression sneaks up on me. But, I'm not nearly as bad as I was. I can talk about him and what happened now, most times without crying. The only thing I can say is give it time. :hugs:

[mary31]

Hi every one.want to thank all the support i got from you guys, after 1 year of the loss of my baby i gave birth to a baby boy know is 2 years old. he is adorable, but still remember my loss cant get over with, my sister lost a baby to and it happen on the same date as mine,

[Kathal]

I think it is good to share ....

I am 37 had my first M/c in 2007 at 12 weeks - took a long time to get p.g. again but gave birth to a healthy happy little boy who is now 2 and 5 mths and is a joy.

Its funny when I had no kids I couldn't understand how desperate people got to have another when they already had one...how silly I was having one makes you realise how amazing they really are.

I got PND after my little boy as I had such a terrible birth experience and took my husband and I a long time to feel strong enough to try again. We were very fortunate to get p.g. fairly quickly this time but at 7 wks all my pg. symptoms have gone and I am starting to get cramps I am sad and scared last time I had a D&C the thought of going through a mc naturally really scares me. I did tell my doctor last week I knew something not right but he said unless I bleed nothing he can do (caring). So I am going to try and get to my doctors tomorrow but what is going to happen will happen I am just not sure how brave I can be about all this.

[Kathal]

Hello, my name is Krissy. I am 32 and am married to a wonderful man, Walter, who is 35. Here is our history.

In September 2007 my husband and I found out that we were pregnant for the first time. We were so excited! I had implantation bleeding and morning nausea. About a week later I started heavy bleeding. I went to the doctor immediately and had the full workup. At that time we were only about 6 weeks along. Had the ultrasound and saw the heartbeat, so my worries went down tremendously. I did bed rest the entire weekend and had my OB workup the following week. I went in for my exam and the doctor decided to do another US just to show me all was well. Turns out there was no baby at all!! I had miscarried during the heavy bleeding, even though I saw a heartbeat and the doctor told me I was fine. I had tons of labs done, but no real answers came from them. I was told that miscarriages just sometimes happen. Ok. (Did I mention that my father died the week prior to my OB visit, so I thought that some massive stress is what caused my miscarriage). The doctors think I made it to about week 7.

A few months later we were pregnant again. Wonderful! Same as the last pregnancy. Implantation spotting & nausea full on. A little nervous because of my history but I try to stay calm. Several weeks later the heavy bleeding starts again. I rush to the doctor, they do an US, see the heartbeat, say all is OK, and send me home. The bleeding lasts for 5 days. I go back to the doctor for the follow up and just know that I've miscarried. (All of energy was back up and nausea was gone). The doctor does some blood work (quant Hcg) and sure enough I had miscarried again. This time we made it to week 8.

Walter and I took some time off for just us. We starting TTC later in 2008 and in April 2009 we were pregnant. Woo Hoo! After the 2nd miscarriage bloodwork, the drs thought they knew what was going on. I had a low progesterone level. So the cure? Take Prometrium (progesterone). Ok. Well I did. I had to have US's every 2 weeks to follow the progress of the pregnancy, annoying but I would do anything to ensure the outcome. I go for my 8 week US and find out that the babies are fine. Yes, I am pregnant with twins. Holy crap is about the only thing I can say. After the initial shock, I am elated. All is going fine. At week 10 I noticed a brownish discharge and think nothing of it because I have an appt for the next day for an US. My husband and I go to the appt and the tech cannot find a heartbeat on either baby. After about an hour (rude and annoying) the doctor comes in the room to deliver the news that I've just had my 3rd miscarriage. I decide to do a D&C because honestly I couldn't imagine waiting to miscarry naturally. I have the D&C the next day and am set up with a specialist for follow up.

I go see the maternal/fetal specialist and they do tons of more labs. Apparantly they do not consider people to have a problem continuing a pregnancy until you've had atleast 3 miscarriages. Well wonderful for me! The doctors finally think they have an answer, I have phosphalipid antibodies, they think. The treatment for that is to take 2 aspirins daily. (If my condition gets worse it could mean injecting anticoagulants daily). This all happened in June 09. So after we got the green light to start TTC again we've been doing exactly that. Well now I'm not ovulating. My GYN thinks that it's due to my D&C...a year ago. So I've been trying to get pregnant for a year and the whole time I'm not ovulating!!! Now I'm on fertilty medicine to try to help that. So please keep us in your prayers that this medicine will work and I'll be on my way to having some babies.

I know that my post is very long, but there are not a whole lot of people in my life that understand what I'm going through. I want kids so very badly and, at 32, feel like it's never going to happen. So thank you for all who read this. I really appreciate it and am glad to talk to people that understand what I'm going through.

Krissy[/FONT]

Hi my friend has the same thing - lost 3 babies but then they realised what was wrong and she now has two healthy children xx

[Lavonnamai]

thank you. worthwhile publish. I read some of your own various other posts and they also just about all helped me.



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