New member - 37 and out of my mind!

[kjones]

Hello all! I'm new to the site, and hoping for some advice from someone who has been in my shoes. I'm 37, and just found out I'm pregnant. Have an appt with the Dr this week, but no doubt that I am pregnant. I have an 18 yr old son, and 10 year old daughter from my 1st marriage. My husband and I have been together for 7 years (married 3). He knew before we got married that I didn't really want to have more kids...and he was on the fence. Because of so many problems, I went off the pill completely in the spring, and was doubtful I would even get pregnant due to issues. Well...now I am...and I feel completely lost. Having my son when I was so young, I missed out on a lot of things. By time he was old enough that I could have some 'freedom', I had my daughter. So, I have spent most of my life until recent years focusing on everyone and everything but myself. My husband and I travel, we have a Harley and enjoy day or weekend trips....so many things that we have been able to do in the past few years that I never experienced before..and now, I feel like it's come to and end! I'm just really down about giving up our freedom. wrecking a body that I've worked hard for..a sporty car.....Anyone have any words that may help my distress? I'm having a hard time talking to my husband about how I feel because he's so happy..and I feel like I'm being selfish. We haven't told any familiy or friends because it's so soon...so can't talk to them either.

[Contrary]

I'm also 37, hubby is 43, and will be 44 right after the baby is born.

We were told several years ago we had secondary infertility and couldn't have anymore, then bam, we got pregnant twice this year.

We aren't exactly in your situation, we don't have Harley's, and my body, well....let's just say I was planning to start working on getting LAPBAND as soon as I got clearance from my m/c. (Went in for my final check after the m/c, doc and I were set to schedule my hysterectomy, and swhe told me it would have to wait about 8 months)

Our situation is that hubby is AD military, and retirement is less than two years away. We had it figured out how to live on just his retirement pay, if necessary, should the civilian job market still be depressed then, so it's a bit scary for us to know instead of just having 13 and 14 yr olds, we'll also have a toddler, which eliminates me working even a minimum wage job to help supplement his retirement pay.

I wouldn't say I'm exactly excited, but I'm not upset over the baby (I'd come to terms with not having anymore a couple of years ago). My youngest will turn 11 right about when the baby is due, and my oldest will be 18 a month before it's due, aack.

[kjones]

Thanks, Contrary..and yes..our situations are different, but alike in some ways. It's nice to hear from someone else that isn't too thrilled over the situation. I feel so bad that my husband can't express his joy because he knows I'm so upset. He is a wonderful dad to my children. He has raised my daughter since she was 3...and although not biologically, she is his child. I KNOW he will be a wonderful dad...so I know it hurts him for me to so unhappy!

Just the thought of being pregnant (I had a very hard time with my daughter..sickness for 9 months), the thought of diapers, sleepless nights..bottles....it's just too overwhelming. I guess I have 9 months or so to get used to the idea!

Thankfully we will be ok financially. But, we'll have to give up a lot of extra things that we are used to in order to pay for formula, diapers and such. It's so hard for me because not only did my life revolve around my kids..I really struggled for years, and it's been nice to spoil myself once in a while in the past few years.

Good luck to you..and thanks again. Your post has helped me not feel so alone!

[altigger74]

I can understand your point. For the past 7 years I was the one that kept on saying "nope not me" "better you than me" "I'm done" . I have a 14y/o and a 7 y/o both boys. I was enjoying not having to pack up the house just to go to the store. Then I got pregnant. It took me a while before I could get excited about it. And the when I was starting to feel him move and was just beyond excited, I lost him at 20 weeks. Dh and I are TTC again. But I understand where you are right now. It's still a shock, after awhile you'll figure out how the baby will figure into the life you have and you will get excited to have that life growing. I would have never wanted another baby until he was taken from me and I realized that I did want another one and that we can work out whatever bumps we have.

[kjones]

Sorry about your loss altigger74! Knowing what other people have gone through, or are going through trying makes me really feel selfish...but it's certainly not directed at anyone else. I'm thrilled for anyone that wants the experience. We have a lot of friends that are in our age group and are just having kids. I'm just like you said..nope..I'm over that...those days are over. I'm so not in that frame of mind...but hoping and praying that I will be before too long! I just feel like life as we know it is over....at least for a few years. Good luck to you and your hubby! I sure hope you are blessed with another child!

[altigger74]

Thank you! I do understand the feelings you're having though. It took me untill I was, I guess about 16 weeks that it became real for me and that is when I started to except the reality of it all. But I do understand

[kjones]

I'm trying to remember back to all the exciting things when I was pregnant with my daughter. And despite all the sickness, there certainly were many of them! I remember feeling this way a tad at first when I was pregnant with her..and we wanted a baby...but things were also not great in the marriage. I have so many things to be thankful for, and need to remember that when I'm sobbing! I'm sure the crazy hormones are making this worse. I hope that once we see the doctor on Friday that my mood will improve! Thank you again for your support...this is just what I needed! :-)

[altigger74]

It will improve. How far along are you? Are you just hitting the M/S and feeling miserable? I will agree that PG hormones suck! LOL! I'm here if you ever need me.

[kjones]

Oh not far yet...I guess based on what calculations are used... I'm 4 weeks by one...by another, more like 3 weeks. First day of last Period was 10/01. This Friday will be my first Doctors appt. I took 2 tests yesterday, and both were VERY obviously positive..so don't have any doubts. LOL

Hormones just suck period! LOL

(Oh, and I don't know all the acronyms on here yet..is there a place they are shown?) hehe

Thanks..and love to chat with you soon, too! I'll definitely post after the doctor on Friday.

[pregmt]

You are not alone. I am also 37 but I have never had any children. I put off getting married and children for my career and had lots of freedom my entire life. My husband and I got married in May 2009. We also have a motorcycle - Honda VTX 1300 Retro and love to travel, dine out, socialize etc. My point is, even though I have had all the freedom in the world, I am still concerned about how much my life is about to change. I knew I was not going to use any fertility methods and figured if it was meant to be it would happen. (That was simply my way of justifying not using fertility if it did not happen!) But here is the thing - it did happen and there is a reason for that. So although your life is about to change once again - think of the fact that it happened how it did and you get to share all of those experiences with someone new.

[altigger74]

The abreviations and such are on the home page. It will take you to the list of different forums and rooms and at the top it will be a thread on abbreviations and such. KUP on your appt on friday!

[kjones]

pregmt Congrats!!! I'm sure you are feeling a lot of what I am! I don't know if it's harder having never gone through it and not knowing what to expect..or knowing what to expect! I'm sure in most ways it is easier being older. I know I was a better Mom at 27 than 18..and probably even better at 37, although I was probably more 'settled' at 27! LOL

Giving up our social life is one of the hardest things for me. When my daughter was born, I lived closed to family, and had a sitter once she got old enough that I didn't mind leaving her. We have moved for our jobs in the past 2 years, and don't have family close by now..and definitely have no plans to move anytime soon! Just another bump in the road that we'll have to deal with!

I was in the same boat...I didn't want a baby..the longer we'd been together, the more hubby did. After lots of problems, I went off the pill, and reallly doubted I would get pregnant. We'd decided to give it a year and if nothing....we weren't doing any testing, fertility etc either..but one of us would get fixed. I thought that was fair to my hubby. Now I just have to learn to deal with it! You are right..if it didn't mean to happen, it wouldn't have! I do have a wonderful husband to share the experiences with..and he deserves it! :-)

[daisy74]

Congratulations, first of all. My kids are 15, 11, and 7...I'm 35. I was a young mom & so I thought "man, my oldest will be 20 when I'm 40!" I was a single mom raising them, then, I met the love of my life & married him 2 years ago, together for 4 years before that? He's the only "dad" who has been in my kids life, but we decided to have a child together. On the one hand, I'm excited. I want him to experience things from the ground up (and appreciate just what I did alone! lol) but on the other hand -- the kids were self sufficient. I could pee by myself finally. I did diapers for about 10 years straight & was done! Everyone slept through the night! And now...starting over. And I don't have the energy I did at 20, that is for sure, but I have the wisdom of being 35, the grounded levelheadedness, and the confidence I didn't back then.
So, even though our peanut was planned I get what you're saying about it not all being sunshine & roses!
Melissa

[kjones]

Well said, Melissa! I love your attitude about it all! :-) Yeah..I have often thought about when my daughter is starting college, we'll still be plenty young enough to enjoy an empty nest! At least she'll be old enough to babysit in a few years! LOL

I think both our hubbies will have a better understanding of how tough a baby really is. Mine doesn't have a clue! When we began dating, my daughter was 3..sleeping, potty trained...He'll do great I'm sure..maybe he can pick up my slack! LOL

Congrats to you! I wish you the best of luck!

[Jessika]

Popping in...I totally get what you are going through here. I'm 37 and I have a 16 year old and a 2 year old. DH and i had been together 5 years when he announced he wanted a baby. I had a horrible first pregnancy and birth and i was very content with one child. I was just starting to enjoy my son being old enough to be semi self sufficient. DH hounded me for the next 5 years so after being together for 10 years i finally said ok you have a window see what you can do and if we don't get pregnant within a couple of months i never want it brought up again. I never thought i'd get pregnant...took about 4 weeks and i was pregnant. When i found out i cried...i just knew my life was going to change. I was totally freaked out. It was hard for me to be excited because i was so scared of the changes. We were doing our own thing going out having fun my son was 14 and no longer needed a babysitter...Now two years later looking back i can't imagine my life any other way. My daughter is such a miracle...she totally gives me a run for my money and some days i think i'm too old and tired for this, but you get used to it....i went from being the young mom (for my son) to the old mom...my kids are the most important thing to me...it all worked out. Anyways i wish you the best of luck hang in there!

[jinxxycat]

Welcome! While this will be my first child, I just turned 40! today! I know my life as I know it is about to change. I was kinda used to doing what we wanted to do, going out at the drop of a hat. Going to the racetrack w/ my little sports car, taking trips when we wanted. BUT I also knew I wanted a child, just didn't know if it would ever happen. But, it happened, and this little one is about to join us in about 9 short weeks. My friends from High School all have kids that are WAY older, some of them are in college now, and I'm just starting this journey. One of the PP's mentioned being older and more levelheaded. One of my girlfriends that has older kids and younger ones, has said this to me: Things that freaked me out when I was 20 and having babies, are like nothing now. I am more secure and confident with myself, therefore I'm more secure and confident about being a mother to a baby. I am trying to tell myself that b/c I'm older I'll be able to handle a lot of this baby stuff a LOT better than I would if I was just 21 or 25....heck I was just a baby back then myself! You will be just fine.

Here is the thread w/ the abbreviations for you http://www.americanpregnancy.org/for...ad.php?t=35458

[hoping4blessg]

I am 38 and remarried for 3 years to the love of my life. We've been together 11 years. I have a 16 , 15, and a 12 year old. I had my tubes untied 15 months ago. I had just about giving up getting pregnant because of low count on his side and I have 1 working tube. But then again I learned I am not in charge! In Oct found out I'm pregnant and I'm so ecxited one day then scared to death the next thinking what are we doing have we lost it? We have not told anyone not even the kids. When you know whats coming it is very scary. I just keep thinking I'm old and I would like to drive something other than a van one day!!

[pregmt]

Congrats to everyone. In a previous thread ANNAC asked me if I had checked out my due date room yet. I have searched all over the site but cannot find what she is referencing. Can anyone advise?

[jinxxycat]

When are you due? Under the "expecting" category, there are different rooms for the differents months of the year....

Just go into the room that coincides w/ the month that you are due and say HI

http://www.americanpregnancy.org/for...isplay.php?f=8

[midgetlb6]

KJones well you asked for it here it goes. First off let me say you ripped a page of my life right out of the book. I aqm now 41 I was 40 when I got pregnant and was 40 when I had my daughter. Now here we go I have son who will be 23 in Nove. I have a 21,18,15 year olds as well and the 15 year old was the youngest and the only girl until Ember came along. (DH = Dear Husband) so DH and I were together at that time for 12 years not married but we had been together since my Daughter was 3. So we rode bike and were finally at a point where we needed no babysitters, we could take off for the day or the weekend, or just drop everything and go have dinner and a drink and the kids could and can cook for themselves. Well DH had no children of his own and I was "fixed" So after much thought and discussion we decided to get a tubal reversal and we knew it was no guarntee but willing to try. So after the cost of that and 6 weeks later I got pregnant. Now we were told maybe in a couple months up to maybe a year. NOT so I was very excited and he was thrilled but then when I thought about it and it really hit me I was freaked cause now I had committed myself again to another life and well being. DH would continue to work, he could take off whenever, he could still drink he could do all of it and now I can't, so some of my excitement went out the window and I asked myself what the h*ll was I thinking and I did this to myself, well with a little help from my DH but I knew how much he wanted this and he was and is a wonderful father to my other 4 and even now he treats them no differently than his own. Anyway after a few months he started to ?? the same thing what have we done. He now realized no riding, no jeeping, no to several little things. Well I am happy to report although the bike sits in the garage collecting dust and my husband now wants to sell his jeep he could care less because he wouldn't trade a minute with the love of his life. I loved my baby girl before she was born and it's sad to say but I loved her more when she was born. I love being an older mom, it is so different and yet familiar and I have alot of help and your daughter will love being a big sisiter and will love helping and feeding the baby and picking out an outfit for the baby to wear just everything. Even my older boys love this baby and help every chance they can and get as I am with her all the time if not me then daddy. But really our lives have changed and all for the better. Even grandpa who loves to ride drops everything if they know were coming by and bringing baby, he could care less. This little mircle has brought more happiness and joy then any day riding, or jeeping or beaches. Now we find oursleves getting excited if she did a good big poopie and that she said dada. so honestly until you have the baby and hold the baby in your arms you will feel all these things and maybe more, sometimes more intense some days than others. But it will all be worth it I promise and as far as my life goes I figure God must be pleased with the type of mother I am and how I love my children to have granted me another gift so late in life and let me do what I finally excepted I do best. I am a great mom better than a harley rider. LOL Good Luck and keep your chin up you have come to a great place for support and be happy slow it down and be happy God thinks your a wonderful mother and he is a wonderful father to send you this little mircle when you weren't expecting it, share in your husbands joy because he is now 1 step away from having a dream of his come true thanks to you and he is now more inlove than he was 4 weeks ago, surround yourself in that love bathe in it and take it to your heart, find some happiness with it so you don't give birth to someone who will be easliy depressed in life. Good Luck and keep us posted on your progress I hope this helped in some way.

[Lydia]

I'm 39 with two-year-old twins at home and another on the way. I also had a motorcycle and loved my 3-week vacations to exotic places like Indonesia and Cambodia.

We no longer have our motorcycles, but we still travel several times a year with the twins--we've done road trips, US trips, and the twins will have used their passports to leave the country three times after next month. We're not really going to the places that require typhoid vaccinations and anti-malarial medicine just yet (although we still plan to), but we're still having a lot of fun.

Yes, babies DO impact your life to a great extent, and it is a difficult adjustment, but the things that are most important can be tweaked a bit in order to still enjoy your life AND your baby. I wanted to be a young mom, but I am really appreciating the patience and wisdom and income I have now, that I didn't have when I was young.

[kjones]

Oh wow...yes, your life does sound quite a bit like ours! The past few days have been tough..very emotional for both. Even as much as my hubby wanted a baby..reality has set in, and he's questioned it..but after a long talk last night..and lots of tears...we are coming to terms. Hopefully he's going to be willing to give up things as much as I will have to. We usually go to a bike rally in April with friends. I already told him to forget that..and he really didn't get why. Well, how much fun would it be to hang out with everyone drinking, and riding..and I'm the size of a house and can't do anything? LOL I'm sure as that time gets closer, he'll 'get' it..I pray! :-) I have already told him..and have told him for years if it happened..I was not doing all the 'baby' things on my own as I did with my other 2 kids! He's a great father...and I'm sure he will go with the flow...hopefully w/out too much resistance! LOL I don't know if I've told him enough that he really knows what to expect, or that it may be easier based on all I've warned him about!

We go to the dr tomorrow morning. We are both concerned that maybe I can't carry it...I guess that's normal, and my age is mainly what concerns me. Other than age, don't have any reason to be at risk. We haven't told anyone yet..not even the kids. They have half-brothers by their 'biological father' and stepmom...but I think it will be a lot different since they live with us, and only see their 'father' on occasion. I don't know how long we'll wait either. My hubby is an only child...so his parents will really be excited....I don't know how long he can keep himself from calling them!

Thanks for all the reassurance! I never thought I'd be more freaked out about having a baby at 37 than when I was 18!

[Jessika]

Originally Posted by kjones

I never thought I'd be more freaked out about having a baby at 37 than when I was 18!

I know! Funny how life works!

[kjones]

haha! Not sure if I'm just more intelligent now or crazier!

[midgetlb6]

We are now more intellagent and crazy. Your husband will melt when he lays on his child as mine did. He now wishes we had done it sooner and wants another one asap. He didn't get during the pregnancy and once she was born that all changed. He says he is inlove and spends every moment he can with her that he is not at work. there is so much patience in both of us compared to when we were younger. I hate to say this but I love being a mom more now at my age than when I was 18. I am more confident, patient, stress free, not so worried about life and seeing the really important things. I was blessed in that i could quit my job and stay home with her and not miss a minute of her discoveries. When i say we jump with excitement when she goes poopy, or smiles, or even screams at the top of her lungs having converstion with no one. When she burbs daddy says that's my girl give her h*ll baby. I mean he turned into this baby and no doubt your husband will do the same and his parents will treat you like a goddess. Your kids will be great more so after the baby is born. that baby will all of your hearts. One thing I did was bring my daughter to an ultra sound where she could see the baby and she was so excited it helped but she honestly had been asking for a sisiter since she could talk lol now she looked at us and said you 2 should have done this 10 years ago and my husband said you know young lady your not right to often but your absolutely right we should have. AHe is getting a Burger King crown for chreistmas this year and I am going to flip it inside out and acrossed it I will right SUCKER because this baby girl has him figured out and he jumps quicker for her than he does me. Like i said he will start the bike up and go down the block just to run her but he doesn't take off riding all day or go jeeping or golfing he just has become so attached and his business trips kill him when he has to leave her. But I will say this again it all came the minute he laid eyes on her. I mean there I sat c-section guts hanging out and he looked at her and looked at the DR. and said when can we have another one. I about died, he went with her and stayed with us in hospitol not taking his eyes off of her. I would fall asleep and wake up 2 hours later and there he sat in the rocker staring at her never moving from his spot and then looked at me and said thank you, I love my baby I can't stop staring at her. He was in complete awe over his child. Seeing his love shower over this baby made me love him more and love her just as fiercely as he does. Not that we weren't a family before but this baby made us stronger as a family unit and made him feel like he truely belonged and like the man of the house with his family to protect, it made all the things we had to give up well worth it we don't even miss it at all. Not 1 day goes by that we think about riding or jeeping or tubing or anything that she is not a part of. Life is great. you will be great and he will be an awesome dad inspite of the doubts and he will even change diapers and not complain one bit. he may so no right now as mine did but once she was here the thought ofher sitting with poop or peep in her diaper killed him so he doesn't mind one bit. I mean we were in hospitol long enough to develope a real poop and he woke me up to show me and wanted to call everyone parents, kids, siblings to tell them Ember his baby girl had a real persons poop that wasn't tar. LOL You'll see it will all come full circle. P.S. Have a H&H 9 months.

[kjones]

Oh he's already melting....after we both got over the initial shock! He was out today on business calls, and stopped by a Walgreens and was looking at baby stuff! How funny is that?! He will be great..I have no doubt.

He's already said he's selling his dirtbike..which I don't like anyway! LOL I won't let him part with the Harley..with any luck, we'll still get to ride, just maybe not as much. Kinda ironic....our anniversary is coming up this month. Last month (actually the weekend the baby was conceived) our daughter was out of school for a long weekend. We sent her to NC to visit my parents, and pulled the bike to Charleston, SC to meet up with our best friends. We had a wonderful time riding, hanging out, partying and celebrating our anniversary a little early. I'm glad we decided to make that trip and celebrate the right way while we still could! LOL Little did we know....:-)

[kjones]

First Dr appt today. All went fine. Just a preliminary..they did the urine test to confirm, then blood work. Talked to the doctor or a long time. We moved to GA 18 months ago, so I don't have the same doctor that delivered my daughter, which kinda sucks. I had the best midwife there! Oh well, I have a good dr here. He spent over an hour just talking to DH and I. Don't find many of those! He had already spent lots of time talking to me before when I was having monthly issues, so I know it wasn't just a one time thing.

I go back in less than 2 weeks for the first real exam and ultrasound. I really thought that reality would set in a little more after today, but it hasn't yet. DH is super excited though....I haven't seen him so giddy since our wedding day! :-)

[penguin89]

Hi, I'm not in your shoes since I DID wait until my early 30's (didn't meet my guy until then) and jam packed my life with adventures, education, and travel. But I just wanted to say that you should NOT feel selfish AT ALL for being ambivalent. You have devoted your entire adult life to taking care of other people and that is great. It is only natural that you would now want to take some time to explore your own interests and enjoy yourself. It is 100% understandable for you to be thinking 'this isn't what I want! this isn't fair!' even if you also know you'll love this baby to pieces.

I'm just saying: please don't be hard on yourself. Every mother also deserves to be a woman and a person separate from motherhood and to have a chance to explore herself and her interests apart from taking care of other people. So your mixed feelings are perfectly understandable and justified. No guilt warranted! NONE!

Sometimes life just throws us a curve ball, as you say. And when it does, then we just make the best of it as I'm sure you will! But that doesn't mean we have to be all thrilled about it and pretend it's 100% roses and puppies. Your feelings are natural. I'd feel just the same way if it were me.